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Somehow, I’ve managed to find myself on a bunch of book review media lists and no time to actually read the books I am getting inundated with. These reviews aren’t quite judging books by their covers, but they sure as hell aren’t looking at the existential questions brought up by analyzing the characters’ inner drive, either. I could have just ignored these, but I’m sure the PR peeps who sent these to me are all fine, upstanding individuals. Top of their field. Probably exceptionally attractive, too. Some of these came out a few months back, but hell, the Bible came out centuries ago and people are still buying those, so let’s do this.

FiftyFashionDesignersFifty Fashion Designers That Changed The World
Lauren Cochrane
Conran Octopus

Versace, Dior, Armani, Klein, and all the others are in here, and were apparently actual people. This is the artsy version of a bathroom reader. Each designer gets a page briefly discussing what they were about. Less encyclopedia and more trivia, this is a book for those who like pretty clothes, but don’t REALLY give a shit about who’s designing them.


Texts From your Ex
Cassell Illustrated

Taking the images from the Instagram account “Unspirational” and printing them is kind of a cheat. But a funny kind of cheat. Reading people treat douchebags like douchebags is always a good way to spend 20 minutes. This is the kind of book that is in the waiting area of a salon.


How Music Got Free: The End of an Industry, the Turn of the Century, and the Patient Zero of Piracy
Stephen Witt

Honestly, with a title that long, I would normally be disinterested in the book. However, with a degree in this shit (really, my undergrad was in Music Business), I was pretty interested. As suspected, this shit reads like a dissertation that has been transformed into a textbook. Informative, but a tad too much so. That said, I put this one off to the side for further study.


Deep Dark Fears
Fran Krause
10 Speed Press

I love this. Each illustration perfectly matched the 100+ fears/concerns that the author (and a few readers) had. Myself, I also worry that I’ll continue to sense things after I die, which constantly makes me doubt my wish to be cremated. This one is going to be revisited a few times.


When Clowns Attack
Chuck Sambuchino
10 Speed Press

Dumb. Awful to look at; not only the random “scary” clown images, but also the shitty red borders. Awful to read. Just plain awful.


Curvology: The Origins and Power of Female Body Shape
David Bainbridge, PhD

Part textbook, part observation, but ultimately very dry read about societal views & evolutionary aspects of female body shapes. It could be a very empowering piece for some women, and a derogatory slap to others, read at your own risk.


Can Holding In a Fart Kill You?
Andrew Thompson
Ulysses Press

When I’m not playing Clash of Clans while on the can, I like reading these little trivia books. Can Holding In A Fart Kill You goes into 150 questions you may have asked yourself and found no real solace in the arms of Google. While some of these should have been answered in 5th grade (why do volcanoes erupt),


Season of the Witch: How The Occult Saved Rock And Roll
Peter Bebergal

What’s that? There’s “occult” influences in rock and roll? NO SHIT. All I needed to know is that David Bowie is on the cover above a pentagram. I’m sold on it.


A Guide to Improvised Weaponry: How to Protect Yourself With Whatever You’ve Got.
Terry Schappert & Adam Slutsky
Adams Media

If your post-Kingsman experience was anything like mine, you spent the next three days looking at tweed suits and fantasizing about fending off would be attackers with anything around me: a shovel to the shin, weed whacker to the neck, my cat, Bragnadarr The Trolleater, thrown right at their face. This book is the culmination of all of that. If you are a prepper who believes the government is coming after you or a hippie liberal who believes the government is coming after you, this book may be helpful in fighting an extra 40 seconds. If you are someone with common sense, however, this is just something fun to have in your library.


You’re Cute: Cards to Break The Ice
Illustrated by Meera Lee Patel
Ulysses Press

Little cards to help you hit on people without being tooooo creepy. Might have been more helpful had I not gone and gotten myself married. My wife does not think they are as cute as I would hope.


Now I Know More: The Revealing Stories Behind Even More Of The World’s Most Interesting Facts
Dan Lewis
Adams Media

I will always recommend a book that teaches you something, such as why doorknobs are banned in most public buildings, but required in parts of Colorado. May not make you a distinguished scholar, but you’ll have some party conversation fodder.


One-Star Reviews: The Very Best Reviews Of The Very Worst Products
C. Coville
Adams Media

My day job has me constantly reading reviews of how absolutely shitty my company must be because a customer didn’t get their way, so I love this so fucking bad. Here is a compilation of dipshits and dumbasses who can barely write, which doesn’t stop them from trying. Get this one, read it, and think before you review.


The Emoji-to-English Dictionary: Your Text-Message Translation Guide
C. Colville, Illustrated by Kurt Dolber
Adams Media

Great for parents wanting to show their millennial children how hip they are via text. Not really great for any other purpose.


Math Geek
Raphael Rosen
Adams Media

At first, I thought I’d be too damned dumb to understand this, but this book is awesome. Weird mathematical theorems given in the format of useful information? FUCKING AWESOME. I don’t know if I’ve ever been this interested in math ever before. I hope this Rosen dude writes math textbooks ASAP.


Dog Butts and Love. And Stuff Like That. And Cats
Jim Benton
Nantier, Beall, Minoustchine Publishing

The Happy Bunny artist compiles a bunch of his clever comics into one book. No longer do I have to chuckle about it on Facebook. Now I can chuckle about it when I am on the shitter… and left my phone in the kitchen.