One Eyed Monster
Liberation Entertainment
9/10

Here’s what I think happened: the writer and his wife decide to “spice up” their lovelife and rent an “adult film” from the local video store. As they peruse the GangBang Whores 38s and the Horny Housewives 72s, they come to the porn with the names that have entered into popular culture. Jenna Jameson is hot, but the wife would feel inferior. Oh, here we go, Ron Jeremy. So they pick up a copy of Dirty Dave’s Sugar Daddy 15 and head home, thinking that they are up for a night of playing parrot and repeating what went down in the flick.

But, neither was prepared for what happened next: seeing Ron Jeremy’s 9 ¾” girthy fucking monster dick. “Holy shit, that thing’s a MONSTER!” Well, duh. What did you expect? He’s chubby and balding, yet he’s one of the most famous male porn stars. Of course he is going to have some kind of Chernobyl-dick. From this point on, the idea for One Eyed Monster was born.

In a movie that perfectly encapsulates everything that makes bad horror movies great, Ron Jeremy plays himself making a porn with two young hot chicks (dibs on Carmen Hart and Jenny Guy), one older hot chick (fellow veteran porn star Veronica Hart) a couple nerdy tech guys, an asshole porn director and the most recognizable actress, Amber Benson. Benson was the other lesbian witch in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and while I will always have a special place in my heart for redheads, Benson also induces a severe case of Boneritis

There are sub plots that include a blossoming romance between two naïve porn stars, Veronica Hart worrying that she’s to be put out to pasture and make-up artist Benson’s idolizing of Jeremy. Ron Jeremy waxes poetic about the days when porn was about situations and stories, a time when he could suck his own dick, well, until his dick is possessed by an alien presence and takes off on it’s own, trying to fuck anything that moves. We soon get into a serious of amazing death scenes, the One Eyed Monster terrorizes the cast and crew until a Vietnam Veteran shows up with his best attempts at being what I imagine Nick Nolte to be like on any given day. They come up with a plan to kill it after it nuts, but of course, the best laid plans…

Leaving the ending completely set up for a sequel, OEM creates an amazingly perfect movie for drunken party nights, drinking games or just showing your girlfriend that a big dick just may be the death of her. Scope it here

-Jonathan Yost