OK, so your local sports team is out of the running and that other sports team you just DESPISE is going to the Super Bowl. Whatever. Don’t watch it. I know that it’s a fantastic excuse to get a bunch of friends together, get drunk and scream about how much better you can play sportz than the dude getting paid to sport as well as he can sport, but you have options, my friends.
Puppy Bowl X – Animal Planet
The tenth anniversary of the adorable alternative to men in tight clothes chasing after a ball has come at last. And with it, dozens of all-star puppies looking to dash across a mock arena with some pun-laden ref calling foul when the basset hound drops a deuce in the end zone. In addition to the hedgehog cheerleaders and penguin (PENGUIN!) halftime show, internet celebrity Keyboard Cat (who is, indeed, a cat) will be making an appearance. So, do what I do, invite a shit ton of friends over, have some Mad Dog 20/20s for those who don’t bring their own booze, grill up some hot dogs (see where I’m going with this theme?) and rest your lazy dogs on the coffee table while yelling “awwwww” instead of cursing so much that your elderly neighbors faint. You can also create your own fantasy team HERE.
Zombie Bowl – AMC
Well, AMC meant well with the name, but it’s actually not a bunch of undead bumbling into each other in search of brains (sounds like real football, to me), but it’s a marathon of shows from the hit series’ first two seasons. Don’t get too drunk or you may freak out when aunt Edna shows up out of the blue and try to go for the head shot. They have a TOURNAMENT going right now of which walker is the scariest. Since I didn’t see my mom on the list, I wasn’t scared of any of them. (I LOVE YOU MOM, DON’T HIT ME!)
Wash Your Bowls – Your kitchen
You COULD take the time to clean up after yourself. Look at your kitchen, it’s disgusting. This is why you don’t get laid. Mow your lawn and walk your dog while you’re at it. Quit being a goddamned slob and live your life like an adult.