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tigolbitties.jpgMichael Jackson is still evidently the only thing anyone can talk about. There are tons of Michael Jackson articles, ranging from the secret behind his death to every single one of his family members. He’s dead! Just let him be. Jesus. He was popping pills like a crackwhore to stay exceptionally scary-looking, and one of those drugs killed him. There, I solved the mystery of his death. Just call me Nancy Drew Jr. I’m just glad Melissa Joan Rivers made the first Molestor Michael joke, it means the rest of us can soon follow.

Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson broke up the night before her 27th Barbie and Ken-themed birthday party. Tony probably left her after Jessica tried to get him to cut off his penis so he is more “Ken-like.” Simpson had her brain removed in an act of Barbie emulation. Good luck finding someone else who will appreciate your huskiness, Jessica. In other words, walk your fat ass to the gym. In somewhat related news, Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minillo also broke up. It is said that they “have amicably split but remain good friends who still greatly care for one another.” Or in other words, he kicked her out and she threw a chair at him. Let’s be real here people.

Jason Beghe, the guy who was in one episode of Lie to Me, one episode of Life, one episode of Eli Stone, one episode of Ghost Whisperer, eight episodes of Cane, one episode of Numb3rs, one episode of Criminal Minds, two episodes of Veronica Mars, one episode of CSY: NY, two episodes of Huff, six episodes of Everwood, five episodes of American Dreams, one episode of JAG, one episode of The Lyon’s Den, two episodes of “The District, one episode of Judging Amy, one episode of CSI, two episodes of Resurrection Blvd. , one episode of Dharma & Greg, four episodes of Family Law, one episode of The X Files, four episodes of Chicago Hope, one episode of NYPD Blue, two episodes of Matlock, eight episodes of Melrose Place, five episodes of Picket Fences, one episode of L.A. Law, one episode of In the Heat of the Night, two episodes of Jake and the Fatman, two episodes of Murder, She Wrote, one episode of Quantum Leap, one episode of Alien Nation, and two episodes of 1st & Ten, was charged with misdemeanor assault after an alleged run-in with a process server. I’m sure you all know the guy I’m talking about.

Apparently Akon took his own song lyrics to heart, and wanted to “make love right na na na,” or in this case about 15 months ago. The rapper has a 6 month old baby with Sara Coleman. Akon has verified that he is the father through a paternity test, but as long as he keeps avoiding process servers like he has been, he doesn’t have to start paying child support. I’ll say what’s on everyone’s mind—damn, that has got to be one ugly baby.

–Cortney Long