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For those unfamiliar with the musical Mecca that is Coachella, let me enlighten you to a something: no one goes to Coachella to see their favorite bands. They go there for the campgrounds. Why, you ask? It’s hipster Spring Break. A bunch of 20-somethings with a laissez faire sexuality convene in the desert, pork in tents for a weekend to the sounds of Swedish DJs and Brooklyn noise rock bands and go back to their job as a barista. Fellas, wanna get in on that action? I’m here to help. Ladies, you don’t need help. Point at whatever man you want to hump, then point to your tent. It’ll happen.

 

Most everyone there will be wanting to get into your short shorts, but there are some cues you can give to let people know that you are willing and able to make a baby on your new friend’s chest.

The first and foremost cue is the most practical, zinc sunscreen on the nose. Not only will it keep your schnoz from peeling, but it will alert the ladies that you may not take yourself seriously, but you mean business. And maybe they had a crush on Ug from Salute Your Shorts.

 

Another solid choice is to have a beard. Coachella chicks want a guy who doesn’t need societal constraints like “hygiene” in their lives. Your disregard for cleanliness will lead potential desert-suitors to believe that you must have some kind of artistic job in order to look like that and still be alive. You should probably just lie and say that you’re in Bon Iver. Pussy City, USA, Population: You.

 

If you aren’t interested in hobo-chic, you can go one of two other routes: entice through technology or through eccentricity.

 

If you want to play it off that you are a hyper-modern rich boy, the best way to fake your way into the pants of a trust-fund baby is through your phone. And by “phone, “ I mean “iPhone 4S.” Do NOT come rocking your 2G and expect to get to be helping to donate some fluids to some dehydrated Danes. BUT! You have to have a case for it that makes it “retro” or some shit, like one of those ones that looks like a cassette tape or a Game Boy or some shit.

 

If you want to go the eccentric route to get bobbing to the backstage beat, you have to do something particularly outlandish, like walking around on stilts for no good reason or wearing a fucking horse head for no good reason. Don’t believe me? Look at DeadMau5. Dude wears a silhouette of Mickey Mouse and gets massive amounts of play.

 

If you’re not interested in actually putting forth the effort to get laid, but still want to get laid, just show up, it’ll probably happen anyways.

 

-Jonathan Yost