Nerf Herder is an amazing entity, that’s right, entity. It’s more than a band, it’s a political powerhouse, a multi-national economy, and…well, a decent pick up line, it turns out. Well, here’s what happens when a weird excuse for a journalist meets with a weird excuse for a band.
The Emperor!: Well, shit. I have two pages of questions here, I’m trying to figure out where to start.
Nerf Herder Perry: Want me to pick one?
TE! No, no, I got this. Who would you rather bang, Chyna or Xena?
Nerf Herder Charlie: Xena.
NHP: Chyna has a nice condo. Did you see her on that Cribs episode?
TE!: That One Night in Chyna thing? I don’t think that was a Cribs episode, hombre.
NHP: Was it filmed in her condo? It was a nice condo, those wrestlers must get paid a lot of money.
TE!: Have you ever seen a fan and were like, she’s kind of hot, and when they turn around, you realize it’s a dude?
NHC: Not one of our fans.
TE! When was the worst dump you have ever taken?
NHC: Last night, man, last night.
TE!: What was so bad about it, a lot of give and take?
NHC: I had a lot of Mexican food and a lot of whiskey, and I’ve been on a diet.
TE!: That sounds like my kind of diet. What’s your favorite euphemism for man parts?
NHP: Twig and berries.
NHC: Pork and beans.
NHP: Pork sword?
NHC: Pork sword! Dammit.
TE!: Are you guys fighting over “pork sword” right now?
TE!: Just making sure. OK, to balance this out, is there any fruits or vegetables out there that you refuse to eat?
NHC: Raisins and pineapples.
NHP: That’s weeeeeeeird!
NHC: Won’t touch them.
TE!: Tell me a funny story about being arrested.
NHC: I got arrested at a mountain once for using someone else’s ski pass.
NHC: Yea, it was a citizen’s arrest.
NHP: Who arrested you?
NHC: They have some mountain cop guy who hangs out there and busts people. I had to pay a fine
TE! I arrest people!
NHP: Really? Do you chase people?
TE! Negative, well, not in the reports. One time I almost got arrested for peeing on a planter that was not an alley, as I had originally believed it to be.
NHC: I peed behind a building, I heard it’s a nursing home/salad bar now.
TE!: What’s the dumbest way you’ve ever injured yourself?
NHP: I tripped on my shoelace and broke my leg. Had a big cast.
NHP: It was a biiiig shoelace.
TE!: When you are on stage in front of hundreds (dozens) of fans, do you imagine them in their underwear to help break the nervousness?
NHP: Not our fans. Nah, I’m just kidding!
NHC: I don’t really get too nervous.
NHP: Yea, that’s what the drinks are for. Sometimes I imagine you in your underwear.
TE!: I often imagine myself in my underwear, too. So, what the hell took so long to make a new record. Do you have some kind of life you needed to live?
NHP: Why did it take so long?
NHC: I dunno.
NHP: Umm, to make it coincide with Gary Gygax’ death.
TE!: He’s a seventh level ghost now. With thirteen hit points.
NHP: Oh, no! We’ve been back together for a few months now. We all have jobs and families we needed to attend to, but we do have a new record, and it’s pretty good. And when you hear it, you’ll be amazed, it’s like, totally in tune. It has nice artwork.
TE!: Is it real tuning, or autotuning?
NHP: We can’t afford autotuning.
TE!: Any of you guys particularly big fans of sushi? I’ve been on a big kick lately.
NHP: We love sushi!
TE!: Favorite kind?
NHP: I like that maguro stuff.
NHC: When we were in Okinawa we had some good sushi.
NHP: I love any of it that has the cream cheese in it.
TE!: Do you feel bad for the kids who are named like Apple or Buttercup or other stupid hippie name?
NHP: No. Fuck those kids. Those are cool names.
TE!: Why did you want to be in a band in the first place, assuming that you even wanted to be in a band.
NHP: I didn’t.
NHC: I didn’t plan on it, it just kind of happened. We didn’t really plan on playing shows, we just wanted to rock out at the 99 Cent store.
TE!: Here’s our political question: would you like to make a love sandwich including, but not limited to, Condeleeza Rice and Omarosa from the Apprentice.
NHP: Yeeeeeesss! That’s a funky sandwich.
TE!: Is there a vegetarian alternative to that sandwich?
NHP: I’m not entirely sure. [Emperor’s note: At this point, what appears to be an inebriated Killola drummer come and sucks up valuable interview time yacking about Santa Barbara. What a noob.]
TE!: So, what was the most awkward thing to happen to you?
NHP: That was it, you were witness to it. I’m glad I could share that with you.
NHC: Life in general is awkward.
NHP: I’m awkward.
TE!: I hate awkward. I couldn’t watch the Wonder Years because of how damned awkward it was.
NHP: I loved that show. Winnie was hot.
NHC: Winnie’s still hot.
TE! I agree with both of you.
TE!: What horror movie just fucked with you.
NHC: Scary movies are just boring.
NHP: Yea, I just kind of laugh.
NHP: You know what, the Rob Zombie movie, The Devil’s Rejects. That movie was seriously fucked up. I wasn’t scared, I was just like, “this is really fucked up.”
TE!: If your kid turned out to be the Anti-Christ, would you just take the little fuck out?
NHP: [To Charlie] What about your kid?
NHC: My kid? He’s pretty gnarly.
NHP: If it was my kid, we’d walk around, and I’d be like “zap that guy” or something. Just hang out and make him do my bidding.
TE!: When was the last time you were caught masturbating?
NHP: It was earlier today. At dinner…
NHC: Well, I haven’t been caught, per se, but there’s definitely times when I’ll be driving away from home and be like “Fuck, I forgot to throw that tissue away!” And when I get home, it’s gone. Thankfully, my wife doesn’t say anything.
NHP: Yea, I think a lot of work goes into not getting caught masturbating.
Emperor’s Note: At this point, my fucking tape recorder died, but for the next fifteen minutes, we talked about how not to get caught jerking off. I jotted down the following tips:
1) Immediately throw away used “depositories.”
2) Close all windows on the computer
3) Clear the history on your browser hourly.
4) Wait til no one is home.
5) The shower’s always a safe bet. Unless someone’s in there with you.
6) The pool is not as safe a bet as the shower.
-Jonathan “The Emperor” Yost