So, I was to call some guy named Eddie. Eddie screened me to see if I was a tele-evangelist or whatever, and handed the phone to Oderus, singer of the most evil band ever, GWAR!
Racket Jonathan and Racket Mike: YES!
Oderus: What’s up!?
RJ: Oh, man, are you stoked? I’m stoked!
Oderus: Who? I’m not stoked.
RJ: You’re not stoked?
Oderus: No, I hate you. You’re ruining my day, man. I’ve been so busy over here, playing X-Box golf; it’s so uncool that you would call me up and try to publicize what I do. I’ve got important shit to do, man. I’m on the 18th hole. What do you want, anyway?
RJ: I want to know what your Favorite Medieval weapon is and why?
Oderus: The Bastard Sword, two handed, because it’s so fucking wicked looking, now that’s what Oderus uses. They’re like six feet fucking long. You can chop a man in half! They’re heavy-duty, evil-looking serrated-edges and shit. Yeah, the Bastard Sword is definitely my favorite medieval weapon.
RJ: Nice. What’s your stance on hunting?
Oderus: Hunting humans should be legalized, as long as animals are the ones who get to do it.
RJ: What endangered species are you most interested in eating?
Oderus: Umm, shit. Human.
RJ: Dude, humans are way not endangered; at least, they’re not on the list.
Oderus: Well, OK, if it’s got to be on a list, I’d have to say manatee. Because it really makes women cry when you hurt one of them.
RJ: Do you have normal houses and mow their lawns on Saturday mornings while their kids play wild in the streets.
Oderus: Yes, that’s totally it. We do GWAR all week, and then become lawyers and doctors on our days off. It’s amazing, it might not be a great amount of money, but we’ve actually, more or less, making a living doing this freakshow for fucking almost twenty years now. It helps that I’m the president of the company and I just embezzle a lot of money from myself.
RJ: That’s too awesome. Are you now, or have you ever been, a Legomaniac?
Oderus: Oh, hell yea, I love Lego!
RJ: What’s your favorite new Lego product?
Oderus: Well, I haven’t really kept up with Legos now that I’m an adult and all, but when I was a kid, Legos were the greatest. And Erector sets as well.
RJ: Is it true that GWAR is single handedly dismantling the ozone with rock?
Oderus: No, we already blew a hole through it. That’s how we were de-thawed. We were frozen in our Antarctic prison, and over-use of hairspray by all these froofy late-eighties hair metal bands is what melted the Ozone layer, and that’s what (*horrifying belch*) de-thawed GWAR. So you actually have bands like Stryper and Brittany Foxx to thank for GWAR. isn’t that amazing? At least those bands were good for something besides anal sex.
RJ: I will definitely thank them for GWAR. With tons of conspiracy theories running around on the reasoning behind the Iraq war, i.e. oil, imperial expansion, etc., I think the one with the most concrete evidence behind it is that George Bush went on a bender, put Saddam-a-go-go on repeat and just couldn’t help himself. Comment.
Oderus: Wow, I don’t know. As I was saying, I was playing golf. I don’t know what to say to that. OK, yeah, that’s probably exactly what happened. That’s why we wrote that song, was to inspire hatred of Muslims. So, it worked perfectly. Don’t get me wrong here, we don’t just hate Muslims, we hate everybody, Christians, Jews, Negros, Giraffes, you know, pancake-batter makers, people who sell oranges under highway overpasses. It’s equal opportunity hatred.
RJ: Word. Tell me an embarrassing secret about Balsac.
Oderus: He has, though he will not admit this, the reason he wears that bear trap over his face is that he has a scrotum for a face and a face for a scrotum. It’s fucking horrible.
RJ: How often do you drink the blood of your enemies?
Oderus: Oh, God, every night. I bath in it, I sleep in it. I’m continually slathered in gore, it never stops. I’m a bloodaholic, I admit it, I’ve got a problem. I go to meetings, and sit around with guys like Jeff Dahmer.
Oderus: Good ol’ Jeff. He was a huge GWAR fan, actually. he was a big Cannibal Corpse fan. It’s true, he was a big death metal fan.
RJ: Do you want to kick Lordi’s ass for biting your style?
Oderus: You know, I didn’t at first, but then I saw a recent photograph of them, and just how fucking incredibly unoriginal his gimmick is, and how much of a ripoff it is of GWAR, how much of a ripoff of me especially, his stupid costume is. All Lordi is, first of all, the music is shit, the guys definitely have a good makeup artist behind them or whatever, but the music is complete fucking shit. The only reason that band is doing good is because in Europe, they haven’t had too many actually good fucking metal bands, and they’re so snooty and full of shit over there, that they’re like (*in some kind of shitty Norwegian accent*) "Oh, now we have actual metal band" and "Oh, give them the Euro Music Award" and "Oh, they are so much better than American shit!" The only reason that band has gotten anything is because Europeans hate Americans. Yea, they’re fucking horrible.
RJ: Would you rather pummel Hawthorne Heights with knives, tire irons or chains?
Oderus: What the fuck is Hawthorne Heights?
RJ: A shitty band.
Oderus: Well, obviously. I suggest you pummel them with something.
RJ: Oh, yea, I already got dibs on a crowbar, just wanted to know if you want in.
Oderus: OK. I’d use my penis, I’d like to beat on them with my penis, then I might have an orgasm. It’s bigger this year, the cuttlefish has grown. Everyone’s like "Goddamn, Oderus, You’re swinging this year. You’re packing a little more meat." And sure enough, it’s grown like another half a foot and it has four more testicles.
RJ: The Cuttlefish?
Oderus: Yea, my cock. My big fucking rod, my wanker, my fucking penis! Penis! It’s like eight feet long now, I use it as an extra leg.
RJ: What Ninja Turtle would you most like to get drunk with?
Oderus: Donatello. No particular reason. Well, actually, I really like the artist that he’s named after. Donatello was a great early renaissance sculptor who really influenced Michelangelo – the artist, not the Ninja Turtle. I hear they’re making a new movie, I’m stoked. I fucking love the Ninja Turtles. They’re every bit as real as GWAR.
RJ: What was your parent’s first reaction to GWAR?
Oderus: Well, I didn’t really have parents. My mother was a petri dish and my father was a computer. When I was spat out of the syntho-womb, I was lowered onto an erect penis in front of an audience of 40,000 screaming midgets. I was fully grown, so that skipped any childhood trauma. And then, as the tradition goes, I ate my parents. I guess they screamed. A lot of crying involved.
RJ: When you see corn in your poop, do you kind of get mad at yourself for not chewing your food better?
Oderus: I don’t shit. All I do is urinate fecal matter out of my dick slit. But yea, corn does piss me off a lot. It tends to clog up my crack. I don’t chew anyways, I just kind of bite and swallow.
RJ: Describe your ideal date.
Oderus: Goddamn it. First of all, let’s see. The first thing I do on any date is find a specific creature to go out with, and usually what I’ll do is lurk public urinals or bus stations until I catch a ride out to the suburbs, then I catch another ride out to the farm and then I hang out in a field until I find a cow or a pig, and then I take it back to the city and buy it a pizza. Then I’ll take back into an alley and fuck the damned thing to death.
RJ: That’s very romantic.
Oderus: Yea, I like fucking animals in public places, that’s just my deal. That’s what I do, it’s how I roll. (To someone on his end…) Are you going to get high, tell me know when you do.
RJ: Do you have anything for us? I’m pretty much done.
Oderus, Hey, what can I say? It’s been the most intelligent, erudite and demonstrative interview I’ve ever done and all I can say is GWAR fucking rules.
RJ: Alright, man.
Oderus: Hail GWAR!
RJ & RM: Hail GWAR!
GWAR’s got themselves a new album out 8/29/06 – Beyond Hell. Go buy it; you’re gonna die anyways.
– Jonathan Yost