How many of you can say you took a break at work to call a porn star and have a chat? I did. It was awesome. Especially because the porn star in question is Joanna Angel, founder and CE-Hoe of BurningAngel.com, the site full of tattooed hotties doing the naughty.
Ms. Angel not only put up with my inane questions, but bet that she could give me an erection. Guess how much I’m not going to take that bet.
How’s your day going?
Cool, cool. Now you are the first adult film star I’ve ever interviewed.
Yes. I predominately do punk and metal band interviews.
Oh, well that’s cool. I feel very special.
You should feel very special, but don’t start getting all Jewish princess on me, though. Now, I saw this online, there’s a quote attributed to you calling Suicide Girls the “McDonald’s of Adult Porn.”
Oh my God! That was so long ago! That always gets brought up.
I apologize for that, but my question was if your site was a restaurant, which would it be?
Oh! [laughs] Ok. Alright. I’m going to have to think about it for a while, we’ll come back to it. I’m so impressed. You’re not gonna ask a lot of stupid questions.
Oh, don’t worry. I’ll ask stupid questions. Keeping with the food motif, how is being a porn mogul different than being a waitress?
Well it’s very different but it’s also very similar. You’re giving people something that they want and your trying to figure out the best way to deliver it to them in a timely fashion, and if you don’t, they’re going to go somewhere else. So that’s a similarity?
Let’s just pretend the question was “How is it similar?” That’ll work.
Obviously it’s different because for me…porn and not food, and also being a porn mogul you don’t get to do your side work and clock out at the end of the day; it’s a never ending job.
Generally when I think of sex “burning” is not a word I am interested in, so I’m wondering how the name Burning Angel came about.
I don’t know. It’s just a good girl/bad girl type thing. I know when you take the word “burning” on it’s own it reminds you of something that happens when something is wrong with your private parts, but I just thought of angels and burning. I actually have a tattoo of an angel and a devil on my back. I don’t know. Angel’s are kind of hot and when you think of them being corrupted, it’s kind of sexy.
Is “private parts” an industry term?
What is the most epic tattoo you’ve ever seen?
I’ve seen a lot of tattoos working with this website. I’ve seen a girl with The Shocker tattooed right above her vagina. I thought that was pretty cool. I wish I had a couple of girls who had that. I can’t really think of any right now.
Close your eyes, imagine me as a sexy lady, now what kind of qualities would you be imagining in me to have to make it on your site?
I’d imagine you’d be really hot with really big boobs and a really big ass, and not like a teeny, tiny waist, but a waist that’s smaller than your butt. And you’d have really nice tattoos, you’d have two full sleeves, maybe you’d have a chest piece, and maybe a bunch of tattoos on your legs, too. And maybe two or three little ones on your face, not big ones. You’d be super cool and have a good sense of humor, and you’d really, really like having sex with a bunch of people and a good attitude. And you’d like sitting and reading the chat rooms for massive amounts of time just because it’s fun.
Would you consider a full sleeve tattoo on your leg to be called a sock?
“Would a sleeve tattoo on your leg be called a sock?”
Oh! Because a sleeve… You know, it actually makes sense. But unfortunately it’s not an accepted term, yet. You’re gonna have to go to the tattoo commission.
Well, I’ve been trying to spread that vernacular, and you could help.
[laughs] I’m gonna help.
[laughs] Ok. That’s excellent. When people first go to Burning Angel they’re exposed to hardcore fucking. Like, there’s a little shot of a dick and vagina, have you thought about easing people into the smut? Like cuddling or a calming bubble bath picture?
Sorry, you’re cutting in and out. All I heard was “cuddling” and “smut.”
Ok. When people first go to your site on the first page there’s a picture of some penetration, and I was wondering if you thought about easing people into the smut with maybe some cuddling or a bubble bath.
Well, we used to do that, but people have gotten cranky on the internet. Porn consumers have gotten very spoiled. If they can’t get their dick hard in 5 seconds then they go somewhere else, you know? So the point is to attract someone’s attention and not make them leave. I really like putting softer pictures on the home page; I’m a big fan of that, but it didn’t really prove to work. So, it’s not my fault that we don’t do that; it’s the fault of this dirty world that we live in. It’s like if you’re online checking Facebook, and the first little icon of a girl you see just isn’t that hot and she’s interested in talking to you, you’re probably just going to move on and talk to someone else. All it takes is one second to keep your interest. So I learned that penetration on a home page is just what people need to see to keep them interested.
That kind of says a lot about society in general, doesn’t it?
Yeah, I see it all. I’m like big brother. I can look inside the internet and see what people are clicking on and what they’re looking at. So people can’t lie to me.
Ok. Blu-ray is the big thing coming up with the quality in movies, and my concern is I don’t want to see man boobs and hairy ass in high definition. Now is that something I should be concerned with or not?
There aren’t really that many fat guys in porn. So I don’t think that’s a concern. I’ve got some hair on my ass sometimes, so you think it’s gross? Sometimes I get a bit on my ass and I don’t feel like covering it up with makeup all the time. I think that I could still do it for you. I bet you could watch me fuck with a zit on my ass and you’d still get a hard-on. I’d like to take that challenge.
[laughs] I appreciate that.
I challenge you to an ass-zit competition.
That’s not…you know what? I give up. You win the ass-zit competition.
If you were to take a young lady out, what would you suggest as a first alt-date?
I would take her to see a band play and then have sex with her in the car.
Awesome. What is your favorite song to get it on to?
It depends on what I’m in the mood for. Sometimes I like to get it on to Pantera, sometimes that’s fun. Sometimes I’m in the mood for punk, something kinda sexy.
My girlfriend is also a pale tattooed hottie and I was wondering if you could give me any tips on how to keep her around.
Ok, give her a lot of attention. What ever you think is a lot, give her more than that. That’s basically it. Whatever she wants, give it to her. Don’t take her out of your sight anymore; it’s all about her. So try to do all that without being smothering or annoying. I don’t know if you like playing music, or being a writer, or arresting shoplifters, but whatever it is just do your thing, and do your thing well.
[Emperor’s note: This did not work.]
Yeah, arresting shoplifters [The Emperor’s day job] is fine, I don’t have a problem with it and I’m pretty good at it, but definitely Racket is my thing. I think my partner’s gay-dar just went off because she just came in, and she’s quite the lesbian and she came in to hear the interview and is interested in hearing the voice of a hot chick.
Oh, she’s a shoplifter?
No, she’s my partner. She also catches shoplifters.
Oh, wow. I got caught stealing when I was younger.
What did you get caught stealing?
I had like 3 bags of clothes.
3 bags of clothes!?
Yeah. When I was younger I was so cute. I’m telling you, I was adorable. Nobody knows I was stealing anything, so I got away with stealing so much stuff. After a while I forgot that people actually paid for things every once in a while. I just went to the mall and just took things. I just put them in bags and walked straight out of the store, and nobody knew. So one year I was in Marshalls and I was just doing my thing, doing my own kind of shopping, and went out the back door and 5 people chased me out of there. I was 13 years old and they were all screaming at me. They sat me in this room and played all the security cameras that were watching me. And they called my mom and my mom had to come pick me up and she was so upset. They told me I was never allowed into Marshalls ever again anywhere in the world. So for years I would have these nightmares that I was in malls and I accidentally walked into one and the alarms went off. [laughs] But ‘til this day I will not step into another Marshalls and ‘til this day I won’t steal anything, so I guess they did their job.
Good. Good for them, and good for you. [laughs] So that’s all I have unless you’ve thought of a restaurant your site would be yet.
Yeah, so there’s this pizza place. I heard they just opened one up in L.A. It’s called Two Boots Pizza. There’s one in Silverlake, one in the lower Eastside, and one in the Village. Two Boots Pizza is a really good pizza place, not that many people know about it, and they’re only in cool areas with cool people in it. And really, if you know about it, their pizza is better than everyone else’s. Just nobody knows about it yet. [laughs]
Alright, well Miss Angel, I gotta go. I gotta get back to bustin’ perps.
It was a pleasure. Thank you very much.
I hope the questions weren’t too stupid.
No, they were great.
Take that, haters!
-Jonathan “The Emperor” Yost