Wednesday, March 4th, 2009, was the first time I have watched a full episode of Lost. Before that, I have seen a combined total of about 43 seconds over the span of 8 or so episodes. I know for a fact that even having missed out on four seasons of crap, this show has jumped the shark. During their little recap section of the previous episode, I thought it both useful and daunting that they had to have little pop ups at the bottom of the screen to explain what the hell was going on. The only problem I found was that the things the pop ups told me made no sense. It was like a soap opera, but instead of Marlena falling for Beau’s evil twin brother, Locke time traveled, became a non-cripple and spun some wagon fuck wheel that made with the time travel. Apparently, that dude from HBO’s OZ was killed off a while back, as was the hobbit.
This thing had some Asians and a Fabio-lite looking fella going back and forth between three years time, finding some Dharma Initiative chick’s husband getting capped, then they save her, say something about a sonic fence and get crippled with sound waves. Three years later they’re living with the Dharma peeps when some asshole with eyeliner comes out and Fabio, Jr and he have a little chat.
It ends with the fat dude and some hot chick popping out of a van and leaves you wondering what the fuck just happened. I watched one episode, one, just one, and I was confused to the point of anger. To all you Lost fans who have been watching since day one, I can understand if you go insane. To those who claim they understand what’s going on completely: fuck you, no you don’t. No one has any idea what is going on with that show.
-Jonathan Yost