Ducks Vs Kings
Well, I finally went to my first hockey game and, as The Emperor of Racket, feel like I can review whatever I want to, including this. Now, here’s the deal with me and sports: I don’t follow any sports on a normal basis, but should any game come on, I am immediately engrossed. Football, NASCAR, soccer, baseball, poker, whatever. I rarely know all of the positions and am still confused by “off sides”. So, I was stoked that a lovely young professional athlete went with me to see the local NHL teams duke it out. Not only did she guide me through what the fuck a Power Play was, but she also made me look like a pimp with a hot young lady at my side.
Well, as my general exposure to Hockey was the Mighty Ducks movies (1 & 2) and highlight reels, I had no idea of the zany gimmicky crap that they do. I won free Sobe Lifewater because some kids shooting at their own goalies got some certain score to ensure my section’s success. My lovely companion pointed out when people screwed up while I was more concerned with watching people smack each other into walls. The best example of this, which I was informed was not kosher, is when a Duck plowed through a Kings goalie, getting both teams to coagulate into a ball of sweaty and padded men.
Whoever has the job of playing the first twenty seconds of various arena rock and techno songs, you are a lucky fuck. You’re like a dj who doesn’t have to worry about blending songs together. Also, I laughed my ass off after each of the Ducks three goals. Why, you ask? Because Pennywise’s “Bro Hymn” would play, and all the conservative baby boomers started singing it at the top of their lungs. Awesome. While I felt bad for the Ducks losing to the Kings 4-3 on their home turf, I don’t have any deep emotional investment in it, so eff it.
– Jonathan Yost