Ahhh, the holiday season, where millions of Americans hit the malls in an attempt to buy gifts for friends and family that show them how much they care by purchasing tons of lame crap that no one could possibly love.
It’s the weekend before Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/Winter Solstice and you still haven’t gotten crap for anyone! Whatever will you do!? Luckily, Racket is here to help you find them something appropriately awesome and useless to help them forget that the bank is foreclosing on their mortgage, they will be too busy having their minds-blown.
You know that relative who always seems to think the Bavarian Polka Christmas album is a good idea? Well, if you have to go the holiday route, here are some choices that won’t be as abrasive as the unsightly wool sweater your aunt gave you last year.
A Colbert Christmas
We all know how badass Stephen Colbert is, so imagine how badass his Christmas album is when he pulls together the likes of Feist, Elvis Costello, Willie Nelson, John Legend and Jewish master Jon Stewart.
iTunes has the album for download and a DVD of the Comedy Central special can be purchased HERE
We Wish You a Metal XMAS and a Headbanging New Year
Dio, Lemmy, Alice Cooper and tons of others take the songs that the Rat Pack could only caress, and brutally ravage them into Christmas carols that would make the Pope crap his vestments. I found it for $10 on Amazon. Look at how easy I’m making this for you!
The Johnny Cash Christmas Specials – 1978 and 1979 – from Shout Factory are another holiday gem. Even at its worst, it’s fifty times better that any of the Christmas specials on ABC. Because, honestly, those suck. While it’s amazing to see the love between Johnny and June and it’s also great to see the legend in action, and as a far more youthful and vibrant Johnny Cash than the one I grew up knowing. Seeing Steve Martin and Andy Kaufmann as young comedians is surreal.
If all these fire-side evenings with family are driving your relatives to drink, what better way to say “I can keep a secret” then with The Cool It USB beverage chiller?
With the magic of a beverage chiller you can plug into your computer you can now enjoy your growing alcoholism at home, or at the office, without fear of reaching down to a lukewarm beer. And, if you have a laptop, you can even enjoy it on the go!
If you prefer to disguise your alcoholism as “social drinking” then boy do we have the thing for you, the Portopong!
What makes this different then the ping-pong table you have in your garage that is made out of high quality press-board and sturdy aluminum tubing you ask?
*Chicks in bikinis. Apparently this thing gets you laid. At least that’s what the promo would lead me to believe. Face it, when is the last time you has a bikini clad model in your garage? Didn’t think so.
* I have three words for you: Floating Pool Pong. That’s right, this bad boy FLOATS! I can’t see any danger in mixing booze with three to twelve feet of water, other then running the risk of a totally awesome party!
*The stylish molded cup-holders are designed to keep your beverage secure, and are able to stand up to gale-force partying. Even a visit to your sister at UC Santa Barbara. Do your part for the environment and prevent accidental beer spills from sullying our beaches and pools. Chicks love that. Avilable at Portopong.com
Hmm, I wonder if they have a redhead model…
The D-Rex manages to combine the two things we love most: Robots and Dinosaurs. This thing is so awesome it will make you be jealous that this generation is living a childhood a thousand times cooler then your own ever was.
For the most part, this guy will roam around on its own doing general dinosaur type things and entertaining dinner guests without you having to baby-sit its every move. You can do things like feed and pet it. If you want though it comes with a remote that lets you put it into your choice of five modes: Hunt, Prank, Rampage, Interrogate, and Gassy.
-In Hunt mode D-Rex will stalk prey using a built in sound sensor to hone in on the source of the noise. This can also be used to call him to you. Although, in a pinch, waving a car flare and shouting will work too.
-In what I like to call prank mode, you can set a motion sensor which, when tripped, makes D-Rex go ape-shit and start screaming like a homeless-man who forgot his meds. Now, there is a mode officially called “prank” but this is not going to be the setting you are going to be using for any of that sort of business, and is clearly mislabeled. This setting was apparently designed with the sole intention of making your little sister hate you and pissing people off.
-Rampage mode will make D-Rex lunge forward and snarl at you. This mode is best used to scare toddlers and old people.
-Interrogate mode lets you use D-Rex like a magic 8-ball to ask him Yes/No questions which he will nod to. No water-boarding required.
-In by far the most whimsical setting, Gassy mode will make D-Rex either roar, burp, or fart. That’s it.
It runs for about $150. Which face it, isn’t that much to live your dreams of T-Rex ownership, especially considering the price of some other, more disturbing, cybernetic robo-toys out this year. I may very well need to get one for myself.
Buy yourself and loved ones the robotic dinosaur they deserve this Christmas. You can still win their love.
Oh, …what? You say you are cheap but don’t want to come off as a total tool by giving your nephew a half-eaten jar of mayo and a car-freshener hastily wrapped in tin foil?
Comic Ink Book – A comic/coloring book with illustrations from artists like Bob Dob, Jesse LeDoux, Hannah Stouffer and compiled by the Brothers Washburn that’s fun for the whole family. At $10 ($5 for the 2008 Comic Con edition!), it’s one of the cheapest ways to pretend to show you care and still win cool-points. With themes like “Flaming Samurai” and “Iron Man-Jesus” to choose from it is sure to be a hit. The best part is, you don’t even have to wrap it! Slap a bow on it and you are good to go. Available here.
With Racket squarely in your corner, you can knock out the family competing for Daddy’s love with these sweet sweet gifts. Or, if you want our love, we will also accept any of our recommendations.
Merry Christmas!
By Laura Gaddy and Jonathan Yost