They had 19 years and this piece of donkey feces is all they could come up with????? A small part of me has died.
For starters, let’s just get to the obvious core problem with the movie. An Indiana Jones movie is an action-adventure movie, NOT a fucking sci-fi! Not that I don’t enjoy sci-fi’s thoroughly, but it’s like going to a strip club only to find out that it’s a scientology ministry camp in disguise, that straps you into a chair while Tom Cruise and his wacky lackeys of various Hollywood stardom tell you how horrible your life is for 3 hours. I don’t know where the communication broke down, but someone really needs to explain to George Lucas that not all his movies have to deal with aliens and father-son relationships.
Aside from the obvious issues of using aliens, characters swinging on vines with monkeys, and killing off Sean Connery before it even begins, the story was incredibly lacking. You spend the entire movie sitting on your seat, trying not to fall asleep, waiting for that turning point in the movie, like a kid waiting for Santa to come to his house on Christmas, except this time that kid finds out that Santa is his dad dressed in a red suit, drunk off his ass, and caring a cheap downtown LA toy that even the homeless won’t burn for heat. The Russians are a far cry from the good old days of the Nazis. There are plot leads that go absolutely nowhere and are never returned to. Harrison Ford should only be saying witty one liners like, “Snakes, I hate snakes” or “No Ticket,” not fucking narrating the whole damn movie, because quite frankly, that’s just pure torture. Take the Disney Channel kid out of there, his character does absolutely nothing but whine, bitch and make you think, “Wow I really wanna watch Transformers right now instead of this.”
There are only a few good parts in the movie, and really it’s only because they either are cool effects, or help you forget that you are watching the movie all together. The refrigerator scene, graveyard scene, and the sled test are the only parts I recommend you stay awake for. If you want a sneak peak of the movie just watch, Temple of Doom, ALIENS, and then right after that follow it with the boat scene from the new superman movie, it will pretty much sum the whole movie up.
Long story made short, if Steven and George had just made the movie they pretended to in the trailers, life would be good, but obviously they haven’t figured out the simple and easy formula to a good Indiana Jones movie:
Dessert + totalitarian world power/ funny Arab guy = Good movie
Jungle+ ANYTHING ELSE !!!!= Pure CRAP
By Patrick Mason (Patrick @ Racketmag.com)