Blóthar in his natural element.
I recently had the opportunity to interview GWAR’s latest Scumdog to join the ranks, this time to help search for frontman Oderus Urungus, who may or may not be fucking whales non-stop. (To see how that goes, click HERE.)
[RING]
Blóthar SPEAKING!
As I’m sitting here picking out some smoked turkey out of my teeth, it makes me wonder: what’s your favorite meat to set on fire?
Well, I prefer baby dick, it’s like, the greatest. You have to collect them in mass quantities, though. You have to harvest a bunch of baby penises and sauté them in butter with garlic and truffles. They’re fantastic.
Is that something you plan to market? I know that many members of GWAR, and GWAR as a whole, have shamelessly whored their name out for decades, if not eons, and I think that sounds like something that could be up next. Blóthar’s baby bangers.
Baby bangers would be hilarious, I agree. The perfect breakfast food for any one with bad teeth and no freaking sense of decency.
As we’re just getting to know you, Blóthar, I was looking to get some background information. For instance, did you have a favorite subject in school?
Well, of course, I didn’t go to school. I learned the old fashioned way of how to hunt moon moose from my father and his father. I crawled around on my hands and knees chasing women and banging them over the head with a club, drag them to the cave. That’s how I met my first wife. And my second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, and tenth wife. So, you know, my education was “on the street,” so to speak, but there were no streets to speak of, more like, paths through the woods. It was on-the-job-training: how to hunt, kill, and avoid being killed.
So your adolescence was a helluva time?
Oh, yea, it was a blast. To the degree that I did go to “school,” I suppose my mother was a civilizing influence. And she taught me, you know my favorite subject was music, of course, I enjoyed strumming the lute, if you know what I mean.
You’ve had a lot of hunts for moon moose, but on Earth, have you found any animal worthy of the hunt and/or staying alive?
That’s an excellent question. What I’ve found is humans apparently mistake me for elk, or a deer. Ever since we been traveling around, they keep taking pot shots at me with rifles. I think they want to mount me on the hood of their pick up truck. But I have found, of course, the greatest game, for GWAR, was humans. They’re the only ones on this planet that we deem worthy of death. We wouldn’t kill, or even eat, many other creatures… except whales, whales are dicks. They’re the dicks of the sea, so we kill humans and whales, that’s it. I hope that goes some way towards answering your question. As far as worthy of being on this planet: it’s a fucking drag, man, a fucking drag. It’s like the movie Groundhog Day, that shitty movie with Bill Murray. Every day… that’s what the Eternal Tour is, it seems like it’s never going to end, every single night in every single city, I show up on stage from the past, around this time every afternoon to perform with GWAR. Same thing with Vulvatron, she’s sucked in from the future and we help GWAR in their search for Oderus. And then the whole thing starts over again.
It’s interesting that you brought up whales. In a previous interview I had with Oderus, he mentioned being an animal rapist. Not an animal lover, an animal rapist.
That’s true.
I know you’ve been searching for him on the Eternal Tour, but I think you might be looking in the wrong place.
Hmmm. Maybe he’s under the ocean.
I think he’s having just a massive whale gang-rape under the ocean.
Everyone knows rape is more about violence than sex, and Oderus was an angry, angry man. He was a dick. He was a dick with a dick. There’s no doubt in my mind that wherever he is… I think you’re absolutely right. He’s probably holed up with a whale prostitute doing Gods knows what under the ocean. He can walk around and breathe down there, just as good as you and me (Editor’s note: I would die.), and he’s probably in the Marianas Trench fucking a whale right in the blowhole. I know he owes me a shit ton of money. He’s owed me so much money for so long that it’s yams that he owes me. That was the currency in use when he borrowed money from me. He owes me about five BILLION yams.
What does that translate into in US dollars?
I have no idea. I don’t think it has any worth in dollars at all anymore, it’s outrageous. A bunch of yams and cola nuts, that’s what he owes me.
BEHOLD THE SPACE UDDERS!
I’ve been hearing rumors, and I was wondering if you could verify or deny them: the idea that your space udders can actually become erect, multiplying the number of phalluses that you have.
Oh, absolutely. They look like udders, and indeed are udders, but they also a bag of dicks, so to speak. We couldn’t just have a dick, there’s already the Cuttlefish of Cthulhu, who by the way, I liked much better than Oderus. His dick was a hell of a guy. The rest of him, I don’t know, was kind of an asshole. But, the Cuttlefish himself was a very urbane, sophisticated, witty creature. A riverboat gambler, with fine, cultured taste. Together, we would drink wine and celebrate life. My own bag of dicks is both a source of pleasure and humiliation for me, I must admit. As far as them getting erect, I don’t know. Every night I take a giant Viagra, and it’s the size of a pizza, and even with that assistance I can only get them about half hard. I’m always pushing rope with those things.
Have you found that there are any widespread misconceptions about Scumdogia? Especially since you are the one with the most recent experience of being there.
I do, I do, you’re right about that. On Scumdogia, I was a sort of chaplain in the master’s army. A sort of spiritual leader. GWAR was known to me, as the one called Beefcake… well, he’s trying to say that I’m his father. Which I don’t, I don’t accept that fact at all. His mother is trying to pin me down with five million years of back child support and there’s no way I can be strapped down with a kid right now, cuz I’m really, really busy. He wants a relationship and it’s just a drag. As far as Scumdogia, you know, as a chaplain in the Master’s Army, I knew Balsac, we’d pal around back in the day. And most of what people don’t understand about Scumdogia is that it was a far advanced civilization. And GWAR were removed from Scumdogia, and not all of them are from Scumdogia, Oderus and I are from Scumdogia. I’m not sure where Balsac’s from, he might be from Scumdogia, I know Jizmak’s from the Wide World of Sports, Beefcake’s from the planet Cholesterol, I believe the Maximus clan is from a different planet. In any case, it was a great place. To describe Scumdogia, I would compare it to the series Deadwood. That’s very much what Scumdogia is like, but imagine that in like, the year 500,000. There’s a lot of guns, a lot of violence, a lot of shady characters vying for control, it’s a very futile society. But it’s not a society that feeds on itself in the way that human societies do. They seem so obsessed with these ridiculous scraps of money, clouding their vision. If it’s not money they’re worshipping, it’s some ridiculous god or another that forces them to conduct violence on one another or create horrible art. It sucks.
Sounds like a great place.
Believe me, Scumdogia is much better than Earth.
I have no doubt. I know Brockie was a sports nut, a huge fan of the Redskins, even while calling Snyder out on being a racist asshole. Do you give a shit about Earth sports?
Well… of course I do. Of course I do. Brockie, one of the slaves of GWAR, who unfortunately passed away, whose dedication was to the Redskins, well, we’d tease him about that. For one thing, he’d say, “They should change their name,” but then he’d always be wearing a Redskins jersey, and a hat, and socks, and underwear, and anything that any bohab gave him with the logo on it. I have always been a fan, personally, if I had to watch a human sport, it would be curling. That’s what I love. I love curling. It’s very much like the sports we had on Scumdogia. We’d slide our own giant turds across ammonia ice. Ahhhh, makes me wistful about those days. I could care less about the machinations of American football, European soccer. Ice Hockey I rather do enjoy, it’s violent enough to attract my attention. Women’s basketball, I’m a big fan of that. Ooo, ooo, and volleyball. And golf. Oderus himself was a great golfer. Just last night I was at the infamous sixteenth hole in Scottsdale, I misunderstood what they meant by “sixteenth hole,” I thought there would be some sex involved. There wasn’t.
I’ve made that mistake before.
Yea, most of the women on Scumdogia, they have sixteen holes. It fucking sucked.
In the world of Earth celebrities, is there anyone you’re particularly looking forward to disembowel?
Well, GWAR, it appears to me, has been getting away from the slaughtering celebrities business, and I’m glad for that because I think it marks a movement forward. There are plenty of celebrities who deserve death, make no doubt about that. Recently, we killed Justin Bieber, but I’d love to tee off on Miley Cyrus, and actually, I think they should kill Bono. Fuck him with an African child or something.