For our first interview with GWAR, we were on the phone, safe from the clutches of Oderus’ slimy fingers. It’s a whole new world sitting right next to him, scared that you may start to look like a blue whale. Or Jim Henson. Watch what happens when you suck up the fear and go balls to the wall with Muppet fucking your first topic.
The Emperor! – So let’s start off with the hard hitting questions: which Muppet would you most like to fuck?
Oderus Urungus – I don’t FUCK Muppets. I FUCK animals, and I don’t fuck anything I rape ‘em. So don’t fucking ask me any more questions about any fucking stupid Muppets. Cause people call me a fucking Muppet sometimes, I’m an animal rapist, I’m not a lover, I’m a rapist, I’m not a lover. But if I had to fuck…a Muppet, I’d fuck…Jim. Jimmy Jim. (Humping noise in background) Jim Henson, the faggot Muppet master. Cause I heard he’s a fucking fag, that FUCKING HOMO! I’d rape his ass, but it wouldn’t be rape with him he’d be like “Oh, Oderus, fuck me in my big fucking blow-hole yarn-surrounded ass.” That’s how he got AIDS. AIDS infested yarn fell off his Muppet making bench into his gaping asshole that he’s shoving poached eggs into. NEXT QUESTION~!
TE! – When you eat your maggot-infested corpses, what kind of pasta sauce do you prefer with it?
Oderus – I DON’T EAT pasta sauce. I don’t eat…well yea, I do eat maggot corpses. Maggots are their own sauce, you boob! That’s fucking the ultimate…that’s goesh to fucking put alfredo on maggots. Maggots are a sauce unto themselves, especially when they shit themselves. Did you know that maggots shit themselves? They all have tiny maggot buttholes and their shit is highly coveted…in Laos, I believe. Have you seen that show “Bizarre Foods” with Andrew Zimmer. He goes around and eats bizarre foods, but normally he eats some really good stuff, because you know…he’s a big fat jerk. You know he should go to Laos and eat some maggot shit because then he would actually earn the name of that stupid fucking show.
TE! – What is your least favorite race?
Oderus – *Grunts* White people. Hate ‘em. They are arrogant slave masters that seem to think they’re better than everyone else. Hitler is a good example, Napoleon. But that’s not to say that I don’t hate Jews…gypsy’s and homosexuals, I mean I hate everybody, they all suck. But I mean come on, I mean look. That’s a Henry Rollins shirt right? Ok, yeah, definitely: Whites.
TE! – I meant like NASCAR or F1 or Men’s 400 meter…
Oderus – Oh. You need to explain these things for me, I’ve only been away for 23 years, so, hmm. I hate all that shit. You know I think one of the greatest tragedies of the human race is that Mother Theresa and Dale Earnhardt died on the same day. [Emperor’s note: this is not so much in the realm of truth. Mother Teresa died Sept 5, 1997 and Earnhardt February 18th, 2001] And Mother Teresa is one of the biggest saints this world ever had, she spent her whole life in poverty trying to help kids in India. And Dale Earnhardt was a redneck, racist, idiot who would just run people off the road for fun, who died deservedly because he wasn’t wearing his seat belt and his head snapped off. But nevertheless, the South plunged itself…did they go “oh, its so bad that Mother Teresa died. No, they draped themselves in NASCAR ceremonial banners and immediately went on a five day fast. A fast for a redneck means that you don’t drink Budweiser, and I found the situation hilarious to tell you the truth.
TE! – How many girls have you stuck the Cuttlefish to?
Oderus – I don’t fuck girls. I don’t like girls. I like animals, I explained that. My sole quest in life is to rape a blue whale. That’s the biggest thing I’m going to try to do. I have however, stuck the Cuttlefish in immeasurable amounts of women. Impaled them. We have a saying on my planet, “Drill your own hole!” This way no matter the woman’s panties are on or off, whether she’s clothed, whether she even has a vagina. She can even have it sown shut much like they do in Laos. So ya, millions I guess? Short answer. Millions.
TE! – Have you guys kicked Lordi’s ass yet?
Oderus – Severed his head, first day we heard of him we decapitated him. Then we allowed him to grow a new one back just so he could do the Ozz tour. So he could be tormented by all the fans that chanted “GWAR” throughout his set. We pretty much kicked his fucking ass. We were supposed to do a convention in Toronto. Signing stuff at some horror convention, and he was supposed to be there and he canceled his appearance. He said it was because his makeup took to long to put on or something like that, but I hear it’s because he’s scared of me. But I did have his severed head on my autograph.
TE! – Have you given any thought of how you are going to dispatch of Hanson?
Oderus – I don’t care about Hanson. Honestly I don’t know what Hanson is. Now that you’ve said it to me I’m going to find out what it is and I’m gonna make you deal with Hanson somehow. I’m going to make you and Hanson live together in Antarctica in a small cage for the impudence of your idiotic comment. You will suck off the Hanson brothers everyday until their fucking hair is so matted with semen, until the inside of your fucking cage is so fucking roped off with coiled man-spunk that it resembles Shelob’s lair.
TE! – Nuh uh. Which leads me to my next question…what is your favorite place to hit a woman?
Oderus – Uhhh…Bermuda. Or Ireland
TE! – Now, there was a CNN leak that said that GWAR was the weapon of mass destruction that Iraq had. Is there any truth to that?
Oderus – Oh certainly. Saddam and I are and were great pals. A lot people don’t know that when Saddam was living in that trap door that he kept on going straight down to Antarctica and he immediately just popped up *BOING* at a banquet table. It was a huge party being thrown in his honor. He was so funny because his hair was all over the place, and he was like “woahaosdohash, oh hey Gwar!” So you can say we were kinda a buddy of his, we wrote that song “Saddam A-Go-Go” about him but when he was desperately calling GWAR for help during the war we just kind of let the phone ring and laughed. You know why we did it? We wanted to see his hair get all crazy. Cause he’s always well combed and we knew that if we didn’t help him against the Americans that his hair would go nuts. And it did! Didn’t it! Didn’t he look crazy? So we were like “yah you can live in Antarctica with us but you cannot TOUCH your hair.” And he goes “OK, alright.” You should see it now it looks like Don King, it’s fucking amazing.
TE! – What was the, now I’m not saying any enemy came close, but what was the fiercest enemy that you’ve ever encountered.
Oderus – Uhh.,. hmm.. mmmm… has Slymenstra left? Ok she’s gone? That bitch Slymenstra, even though she’s in the band she used to kick my fucking ass. But you know I pretended like it really wasn’t…well, I was letting her do it. Because that kind of love is cheap PC feel good morality of GWAR. No matter how badly we fuck up, no matter how many drugs you pour into our systems, for some reason a female character could come out and hit me really hard and everything’s OK. So of all the creatures I’ve faced in combat I’d have to say Slymenstra was the hardest foe to overcome, because I never did. And also because she’s got really big tits.
TE! – What dead president are you most looking forward to fighting?
Oderus – They don’t fight very well. We’ve got a chamber back in Antarctica, the “Hall of Human Hatred.” Where you could take political leaders and re-animate them and make them box each other. One night it’s Abraham Lincoln vs. Alexander. The next it’ll be Queen Nefertiti vs. Bodacia. But the fermentation and resurrection process takes a lot of spunk out of the human. So you’ll basically get a couple of zombies and they won’t even be able to lace their gloves up. Its just kinda aghahga aghhg aghga. But maybe, if Hilary gets elected and then becomes the next president and before she dies I’d like to go a couple rounds with her. Maybe she’ll throw some Slymenstraesque characteristics, but probably not because…I AM INVINCEBLE!
TE! – If you could give one of the United States back to the Injun’s which one would it be?
Oderus – Well considering it all is theirs, I’d give the whole damn thing back to them, and I would make all the people who lived here and aren’t Indians, work in giant casino’s and poker complexes while all the Indians just get all the money…oh wait, that’s what’s happening already! That was really stupid for the Americans to let the Indians have the gambling rights to their reservations because now they’re making all this money, and guess what they’re gonna do with it? They’re gonna buy a nuke and their gonna blow up Washington. So you guys FUCKED UP!
TE! – Shit, I never thought about it like that.
Oderus – Yea, that was dumb guys, real dumb.
TE! – It’s another whole kind of Indian with nukes.
Oderus – Oh they’ll be wearing suits, just like that one episode of the Soprano’s where they’re trying to get that thing together with the Indian guy. Indian’s just built the biggest gambling complex in the world up in New England or something.
TE! – Now were you disappointed at the ending of Soprano’s?
Oderus – I enjoyed the ending of Sopranos. Not so much because I didn’t see it, but also because it seemed to disappoint other people. And that’s what I’m into, when other people are disappointed, I’m happy. I don’t know why. To be perfectly honest, I don’t think that ending was as brilliant as everyone seems to think it is. It was like everyone hated it at first and then they were like “oh wait a minute they’re doing something really neat” but all they were fucking doing was setting you up for the fucking movie. Which they’re all denying they’re going to do, well see in about six months or so they’ll tell us they are doing it. I thought it was a total cheese out, that whole death of Phil’s head getting run over was just gratuitous compared to how great the inception of the show and some of the screen play writing over the years and how great that was. And to end it so cheesily, I thought was an insult not only to the idea of the show, but also to the viewers. And if anyone’s to sit here and argue with me about how it was such a great cliff hanger, I’m gonna tell them they’re full of shit and they don’t know dick and the only reason they enjoyed Soprano’s to begin with is because everyone else was. And yea, I thought the final episode completely sucked.
TE! – And the last question is…
Oderus – Oh thank fucking God.
TE! – What do you think of Racket Magazine?
Oderus – What is it?
TE! – It’s a magazine.
Oderus – Oh, it’s your magazine. Have you interviewed me before?
TE! – uh-huh.
Oderus – Oh I love it then!
-Jonathan “The Emperor” Yost