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Once upon a time, I lived in a dreary and desolate place. I lived alone in the dank and the dust in a dorm room in the worst of all Southern California cities- San Bernardino. Alone with nothing but my computer and my insomnia to guide me, I became addicted to the worst of things- web comics. Yes, I know. The nerdiest of the nerdies. What can be worse for poor social skills than reading about people with poor people skills?

Somehow, I survived, and no longer live in the armpit of the Inland Empire. But it was there, in the darkness of my dorm room, among the indie music dramas and the robots, that I discovered a gem of wit- White Ninja comics!

Written by two Canadian manly men Scott and Kent, White Ninja comics is unpredictable, hysterical, and offensive in all the ways that you could wish to be offended. There’s no real rhyme or reason (at least none that I can see, but I’m not really looking for one), no real plotline. A more different comic every day, what more could you ask for?

I met the two creators at this and last year’s Comic Con, and the charismatic twosome agreed to let me interview them. Here is what happens in a real email interview, where the interviewee is a real person and not Ferras:

RacketCait: The following are questions composed by me and the Emperor of Racket, Jonathan. Do your own work, no cheating. Here goes…

Tell me about your pre-White Ninja life.

White Ninja Scott: Life before White Ninja was hard. Kent and I were often in trouble with the law– you know, breaking it and stuff. Between the two of us, we’ve spent seven and a half years in prison. Luckily we escaped before serving our full sentences. That’s how we met each other, actually. We were both tunneling out of our cells when our tunnels touched. We had to begin digging all over again, but at least we became friends– a bittersweet experience for sure. True story.

RC: How’s the t-shirt business going? How do you go about coming up with shirt ideas that aren’t lame? I mean, what I’m really asking is where can I get the free stuff?

WNS: I never dreamed I could make a crappy living by writing a free online comic and then have people feel bad about getting something for nothing and then buy a t-shirt to clear their consciences. We appreciate the support though, so we try really hard to make the shirts extra rad so that people will actually want to wear them. Basically, I just stand in front of Kent and flex my muscles until he receives a vision of something gnarly that would look good on a shirt.

RC: If you pass gas, do you claim it as your own, or let others suffer in silence?
The Emperor!: Do you ever claim others’ gas?

WNS: Stop making your questions funny. I want to be funny. If I can’t be funny, then I’m out of a job. Now I can’t say I claim others’ farts as my own. That would have been awesome.

But seriously, I usually blame the ugliest person in the room. You know, someone who looks like they might stink – a natural farter. If everyone is about the same in looks, then I’ll blame the least popular person in the room. That way when that person says, “What? No! It wasn’t me!” Everyone will be like, “Yah right, Wade. Get a life!”

RC: What do you want to be when you grow up?

WNS: I’m 25 years old and I have a fairly full beard growing in, plus a decent amount of chest hair, so I’d have to say that I might be grown up already. It’s clearly too late for one of my manliness to have any hopes or aspirations for the future.

Kent is also 25 years old. Together, we are 50. Yes, when we hold hands, we are 50 years old. But then we start feeling gay and go back to being 25. There’s a thought for you. You can either imagine the writers of White Ninja as being handsome, manly, heterosexual individuals at the peak of their physical fitness, or else you can imagine a 50-year-old gay man. Either would be accurate.

TE!: You’re old.
RC: We’re all dying for details here- Do Canadians really not believe in the power of Chuck Norris? [Note- I may also falter in this belief after I saw him with no beard- there’s no fist on his chin!]

WNS: Chuck Norris is more amazing than people realize. Take for example, that he was the Professional World Middleweight Karate Champion from 1968 to 1974 and went undefeated during that time. He was also first Westerner to receive an eighth-degree black belt in Tae Kwan Do. He could totally beat me up. If only he could focus his chi energy into not being a joke.

In short, we Canadians believe in Chuck Norris the talented martial artist. Not Chuck the actor who sucked at acting.

TE!: If your plane crashed in the Himalayas with Richard Simmons, Fran Drescher, Brendan Frasier and Kurt Russell, who would you eat first to survive?

WNS: I would kill myself. Serious. But first I would wander off into the wilderness alone so that Richard, Fran and Kurt couldn’t find and eat my body.

Also, I would never eat Brendan Frasier, because that guy is really cool.
He’s really cool.

RC: Do you have strong feelings towards anything? Do you have feelings at all?
TE!: True or false- feelings are for girls.

WNS: False: feelings are not just for girls. They are also for little wimpy babies.

I don’t have feelings personally, but I’ve heard from some girls and some babies that free universal health care is a good thing. I’ll have to take their word for it.

RC: Do many people ask about the ninja army you are secretly building?

WNS: That’s a loaded question! It presupposes that we have a secret ninja army, which, of course, we don’t. To answer your question, though, hardly anyone asks. The really funny thing is that’s not the first time we’ve been asked this question. Seriously, people have asked us this question before. Why would somebody ask this question? Do people build secret ninja armies? [Cait’s note: I saw one made of masking tape at Comic Con, I think he is lying.]

RC: We all know how you feel about the right to arm bears, but how do you feel about interspecies mingling?

WNS: I’m confused by your question. I mingle with species all the time – bear species! How else would I get my bear arms.

TE!: What childhood movie are you dying for them to release on DVD? [Emperor’s note: The correct answer is of course, Flight of the Navigator.]

WNS: The only DVD better than Flight of the Navigator would be a bargain bin double feature with Flight of the Navigator followed by the Muppet Musicians of Bremen! Also, a Flight of the Navigator Blue Ray would be better.

TE!: Respond to the following statement: Canada: America’s Hat.

WNS: America has good taste in hats.

TE!: Draw me a Racket logo.

WNS: Make me!

TE!: Do it.

WNS: Okay.

TE!: What a shitty drawing. That doesn’t look like Ray Liotta at all.

-By Caitlin Elgin and Jonathan Yost