Murderous, alien-possessed Ron Jeremy uber dick may or may not sound like a good thing, but it sure makes for a hell of a movie. No, I’m serious. It’s not only starring Ron Jeremy himself, but also one of the lesbian chicks from Buffy The Vampire Slayer. While I will always have a soft spot for the redhead, I would easily do this chick, too. I was invited to an LA coffee shop to have a sit down with Adam Fields and Amber Benson, director and phenomenal star of One Eyed Monster. Here’s what happens when you add my own exceptional ratio of curse words to a movie about ET-wang.
TE!: What inspired you to create a movie centered around Ron Jeremy’s dick?
AF: It’s a good question and there’s no logic to this answer at all. I have two brothers, and my older brother Scott approached Jordan, my twin brother, and I and just said, “I have a very weird idea for a very weird premise for a movie.” For us, what made it funny is that it was Ron (Jeremy). We were starting to make the movie and get financing for it, people were saying to us: “Does it have to be Ron Jeremy, could it be a fictitious porn star?” And we said no, it’s not funny if it’s not Ron. As my brother said, anybody else’s penis wouldn’t have been funny. There’s just something funny about it and it just made us laugh. And the more we thought about how people would take it seriously, that just made it funnier for us. That’s it.
TE!: How did you get financing for a film based on a runaway alien dick?
AF: It’s not easy. Most of the people who read the script, liked the script. They thought it was funny, but said “We don’t know how you’ll sell this, we don’t know how you’ll market this.”
AB: You’ve proven them all wrong, though. You’ve sold it, you’re marketing it.
AF: Yea, that’s true, actually.
AB: You’ve done exactly what Hollywood said you couldn’t do, you’ve made a movie about Ron Jeremy’s dick. You’ve made it wonderful, you’ve made it funny and entertaining and people are going to get to see it.
AF: That’s true.
TE!: We’re going to hype the shit out of this movie, we were stoked watching it the entire time. Every time I review something “adult” in nature, I get a phone call from my mom. Were your parents proud of this?
AF: Actually, yes! My mom was on the set. Would she take her friends to see it? Probably not, but she was definitely proud and like Amber said, it’s happening.
TE!: Were you concerned about your mom’s motives for being on set [*cough*GIANT WANG*cough*]
AF: No… no…
AB: Well, she was in the film industry.
TE!: What kind of film industry?
AF: She was a director of a talent agency. She’s just proud that we’re doing stuff. And actually, Ron was on a book tour in Cleveland, where she lives and I told her “You need to go meet Ron.” And she went and said, “Ron, my name is Karen Fields, my sons are making a movie about you.”
TE!: Is the prosthetic model actually based on Ron Jeremy’s dick?
AF: It is an actual mold of Ron Jeremy.
TE!: Jesus Christ, that makes me feel so bad about myself. [Average has never been so depressing, kids.]
AF: When I saw it, I was like “Oh my GOD!” And it wasn’t the length, it was the
AF: The girth, yea!
AB: Oh, God!
TE!: It looks like a midget’s forearm.
AF: It’s quite large.
AB: It was heavy! Well… when the model was on my shoulder, it was like having another arm attached to me. It was really really heavy. When it would move, it would through you off balance.
TE!: Was the weight accurate, too?
[At this point, several Jewish high school girls stood next to our table and chatted on the phone. For the next couple minutes, they were in for a treat.]
AF: I don’t know, I do know this, he called me one day and said “You know, it’s all accurate except the balls. The balls are not that big.”
AF: So this is an exclusive, the balls are not accurate, but everything else is. I couldn’t believe it.
TE!: Was there an animal wrangler on set to take care of that?
AF: It’s funny that you would mention that, we created a bonus feature on the DVD called “Spotlight on the Dick Wrangler.” And we pretended that it’s a guy that we hired to wrangle, and his entire job is to wrangle dicks. We said he worked on Driving Miss Daisy and his scene got cut and his grandfather was a dick wrangler who worked on Wizard of Oz. It’s really funny.
AB: You have to know that three schoolgirls just stood next to you while you said that.
AF: Did they hear “dick wrangler?”
TE!: Oh, yes.
AF: [Gut-busting laughter]
TE!: Josh and I were just discussing how the Jewish schoolgirl outfit is not nearly as attractive as the Catholic schoolgirl outfit.
AB: [Nodding approvingly] Oh, yes. They’re more covered.
AF: That’s gonna be trouble later.
TE!: [SPOILER ALERT! Skip this if you care] Amber, how stoked are you that you were the one chick who didn’t die by dicking?
AB: I was just happy that I left the film with a little more than I came into it with. Let’s put it that way. I was very glad I got to survive the dick. More practiced women didn’t.
TE!: Was it awkward to be around a bunch of people you know fuck for a living?
AB: Not at all! I gotta tell you, these were coolest, nicest, most talented people I have worked with in a long time. Veronica Hart is amazing, I adore her, she’s an awesome person. She and the dick steal the movie as far as I’m concerned. And Ron is a doll, just a sweetheart. And Carmen, she’s awesome. I had a ball, I had such a great time making this movie. Do I want to get into porn, maybe not. Not after hearing some of the stories.
TE!: Did they give you any tips?
AB: No, they did not give me any tips, it was mostly learning by osmosis, just being around them.
TE!: [To Adam] Did Ron give you any tips?
TE!: Dude, that would be my first response: “Dude, you gotta help me out here.”
AF: Ron gets asked this all the time “How do I get into porn”…
TE!: I don’t want to get into porn, I just want to fuck better.
AB: You just want to do the home version of the game.
AF: He probably could give you tips.
TE!: I mean, I don’t have a pork sword to swing around, but I’m looking for technical help.
AF: We did get a picture of Ron and my brother holding my brother’s new baby and it’s just a very funny picture.
TE!: Was the baby the same size?
AF: That is pretty funny. Ron’s just a regular guy, that’s the thing. How he portrays himself on screen is exactly how he is. He’s just a regular guy who likes to tell jokes and have fun.
TE!: Were you impressed or sad about yourself when you first saw the mold of his wang?
AF: I think my first thought was “Can it actually be this?” I just didn’t think it was possible and then I thought “Do women actually like this?” I guess the answer is yea. It almost seemed impossibly big. I mean, I’m glad, we needed it to be big.
TE!: In the movie, it wraps around someone’s neck, and I was like “OH, SHIT!” Did you prepare for the movie by watching a lot of porn? You know, so that when you’re filming them filming scenes, it’s more accurate.
AF: You know, a friend of mine told me about porn… OF COURSE I WATCH PORN! Of course. I mean, I didn’t prepare recently for this.
AB: You’ve been preparing your whole life for this! I think the greatest thing about the movie is instead of making fun of porn, it sort of elevates pornography. It’s not a joke, it’s not about just sex, it’s about real people.
TE!: I wouldn’t go with “elevate” as much as “brings it down to Earth.”
AB: OK, I see what you’re saying, it makes it more accessible. It’s not just two people having sex.
TE!: Sometimes you want that!
AB: Well, sometimes you do want that. But this about real people. I really enjoyed that about the script and the film.
TE!: How much real wang did you see during the filming?
AF: I never saw it.
AB: [shakes her head]
TE!: Really? I’m surprised they didn’t just whip it out during the scenes where it’s supposed to be out.
AF: It’s very clear in the script “Dear reader, this is a rated R movie” and it must be shot with that in mind. It’s still dirty, readers, so you’ll get your fix, don’t worry. If you’re looking for porn, it’s not porn.
TE!: Every chick in there, you included, is just hot.
AB: Thank you!
TE!: How did you control your hormones, man!? I’d be like, “Let’s audition them kegels!”
AF: It’s called “being professional.” I’m not that guy, it’s all about the work, and you have to separate.
TE!: Being “professional” doesn’t sound like anything I’m interested in. How do you go about preparing for sex scenes with a giant alien dick?
AB: I worked very closely with Ron… no. He talked me through the whole process. How often do you get to do something fun like this? I’m always playing the poor girl who dies or cries, and this was neat because I got to be a little tougher and a little crazier. There’s no rehearsing for getting impregnated by a giant alien Ron Jeremy dick. It just was. You just gotta jump in and take it by the balls.
TE!: Adam, you’ve done a lot of composing [Emperor’s Note: Dawson’s Creek, yo!], did that make you more particular about the soundtrack?
AF: Yes, I always thought I would do the score as well, but when it came time to write it, I was so close to the movie and so close to being burnt out, I was like “I can’t write a single note!” I took a break, and thought about handing it off, but that drove me crazy. Everything else in the film, the acting, the scenes, everything had to be done straight. If the music was joke-y or funny, it wouldn’t work.
TE!: Honestly, I expected it to be more gimmicky. But, besides the giant Ron Jeremy alien dick, the only thing that I think was overlooked, was the communications tower on the mountain side. If that thing was to scale, it would be the Eiffel Tower.
AF: [Laughing] You know what, that isn’t even the BEGINNING of the things that don’t make sense in this movie. When we look back at it, my brothers and I are like “Wait a minute, that’s impossible!” But then again, the premise is impossible. But you’re right, that would be HUGE!
AB: Like Ron Jeremy’s dick.
AF: You know what, I would be so honored if someone made that a goof on IMDB. It would mean they’re paying attention.
TE!: The camera adds… 3000 feet to towers.
TE!: So, I know you must hate the Buffy questions, but I gotta know.
AB: It’s OK.
TE!: Right, so they came out with the “season 8” comics of Buffy, and in it, your [real-life] boyfriend comes back all skinless. [Ms. Benson is currently seeing Adam Busch, who played Warren in the show. Warren was skinned by her superhot lesbo-witch girlfriend.]
TE!: Did you get creeped out and not want to bang him for a week?
AB: No, I’m not turned on by skinless men.
AF: That’s a good answer.
TE!: So uncut, got it.
AB: Yes… yes… No, it totally didn’t. There was no lack of “stuff” going on at our house after the comic came out. Doing this film, you would think my boyfriend would be like [in an angry voice] “Oh my God, you’re doing a film with Ron Jeremy!” But he was totally supportive, and even went out and got me Ron Jeremy’s autobiography. He thought it was the coolest thing. We’ve hung out with Veronica, still friends with Joe, the DP…
TE!: You know, when you say “DP,” I think I went a different route.
AB: Yea yea, the cinematographer.
TE!: You left the movie exceptionally open for a sequel, is that in the works?
AF: It’s not in the works, it wasn’t intentional, but then we realized, yes, it is open. There was a little epilogue where Amber goes to an obstetrician and you see something in there, but I don’t know. I would like to think that I am done with this subject, that it’s time for something new.
TE!: I can see the first scene, as Amber’s laying on the table, with her crotch firing missile-dicks out. Big dongs flying everywhere.
AB: I’d like to think that the doctor goes in for the crowning, and gets sucked right in.
AF: I can’t afford the CGI on that.
TE!: Don’t use CGI, man!
AB: YEA! Everything in the film is done practically.
TE!: So, you’re proud of your work?
AF: Absolutely, I had the dream cast and the dream crew, and they made it so easy for me. It was fun, I had a great time and the reaction it’s getting right now is amazing. In the US, it’s going to be distributed on DVD April 28th. It’s going to be shown on Showtime this summer. Obviously we didn’t do it for the money, we did it for the fun.
Josh! It looked like everyone was having fun.
AF: Yea, it was great shooting it.
TE!: How long did it take?
AF: Eighteen days. You have to shoot a low budget film fast, that’s where all the money’s spent. Time and days are what adds up.
TE!: How’s everything else in your lives?
AF: I’m looking into other movies, but I’m taking a break. I’m… tired. What are you doing… Oh! She just wrote a novel.
AB: I did, I just wrote a book that just came out called Death’s Daughter. It’s an “urban fantasy”..
TE!: So, what, black vampires?
AB: No vampires…Oh, I see, I get what you’re saying. I’m slow on the uptake today.
TE!: I kid, but seriously, a majority of the books we get to review are Hispanic graphic novels or vampire books.
AF: That’s weird.
TE!: It IS!
AB: This one takes place in Hell, and her father is Death, and he gets kidnapped and she has to run the company and find out what happened to him. So, no vampires. But I describe it as if Neil Gaiman and the Devil Wears Prada [book, not shitty scremo band] mated, it would be my book.
TE!: That’s… interesting. I don’t think I’m your demographic.
AB: I think you are more of the One Eyed Monster guy. People don’t seem embarrassed by pornography as they do for liking vampire novels, though. It’s also interesting what turns men on versus what turns women on. For men, it’s just…
AB: Yup, breasts, just get them out, here’s Carmen’s breasts.
TE!: Those were GREAT. They were FANTASTIC.
AB: She’s a beautiful woman. Even women can appreciate. But women are like “Tell me how much you love me” and “Save me from the big scary monsters” and guys are like “Let’s get it on and FUCK,” you know?
TE!: That’s a can-do attitude.
AF: You’re right.
TE!: Any last words?
AF: You can buy it now on Amazon presale.
TE!: WAIT! Did you guys think about merchandising?! Plush dicks!
AF: You know, we have considered a contest and giving away the neuro-tactile stimulator…
TE!: Looks like she wants it.
AB: No, that’s a great idea, you should totally do that!
AF: Does it do what it says it does? No, but it does have motors and moves. We should give that away.
AB: I think that’s a great idea. We’ll all sign it. I’m really proud of it, I think it’s a really fun movie and I hope everyone sees it. Anyone who likes fun and entertaining films, with some porn on the side, should see this movie.
-Jonathan “The Emperor” Yost