Dear Fellow Nerds,
Please stop perpetuating the stereotype of the acne’d, basement-dwelling, socially anxious, Minecraft obsessed virgin. Unless that’s you, then I apologize for giving you shit. Big Bang Theory has everyone thinking that, while nerds can be smart and unintentionally funny, that we never leave the damned house. Well, prove the bastards wrong. What? You never leave the house? You’re such a fucking cliché. Get it together, poindexter.
Here are some gadgets, gear, tools, and tricks to help you get your ass off the couch and experience what the world has to offer.
While just about everyone (geeks, jocks, Bear fucking Grylls) knows that there are evil paramecium trying to eviscerate you from within lying in the shallow creeks and glistening lakes of nature, this bad boy helps make sure you don’t shit your guts out 3 hours into your weekend camping trip. Bonus points for looking like a grenade. EXPLODE YOUR THIRST! ($40 at ThinkGeek.com)
Let’s face it, you’re not going camping without a bottle of whiskey. What? You weren’t planning on it? BAD MOVE, BUSTER. Nature gets cold at night. Take the booze. But don’t be a hobo and drink from the bottle when you can have these fine enamel mugs. I SUPPOSE you can also use them for coffee and oatmeal (make sure to boil the hell out of that water, first!), but they are also good for whiskey. ($32 for two from BestMadeCo.com)
First of all, it’s a freaking machete. Don’t act like you haven’t always wanted one. Think of the damage you can do (NOT in a Rwandan kind of way, either, sicko)! If you go camping and plan on going off of a trail, it might be in your best interest to get something that can hack it’s way through bushes that will otherwise smack you in the face. Don’t let nature bully you, put that underbrush in it’s place with your shiny (and surprisingly cheap) MACHETE! ($23 at GerberGear.com)
Bears may not actually follow the faint smell of a menstruating female camper (choose your party wisely), they may very well get pissed off at you for leaving your turds and banana peels everywhere. With this shovel, which looks like it can easily double as an anti-bear (probably more of an anti-chipmunk) weapon, you can bury your people-pies. Think of it as adding some highly nutritious fertilizer back into nature. Burritos are highly nutritious, right? ($40 at ThinkGeek.com)
Because fire is amazing and you can never have enough blades, may I recommend the Swedish Fire Knife (HOW COOL DOES THAT SOUND!?) It’s a knife made by Swedish blade-makers Mora with a fire starter built into the handle. ($40 from IndustrialRev.com)
Poler seems to have the “keep it simple, stupid” mantra down to a simple science. They have loads of practical products designed to do a job, even if they look kind of fun while they do it. I can tell you that in the morning, as you wake up in your freezing cold tent, the last thing you are going to want to do is get out of your sleeping bag. Well, with this, you don’t have to. I recommend the orange one in case you find yourself lost and costing the taxpayers thousands in a search effort that is quickly losing hope. Find a hill and sit there wearing this and you’ll be seen, and saved, in no time. They even have a little commercial! ($130 at PolerStuff.com)
You may need something to keep all this fancy shit in/attached to, and that’s where a high-quality camping bag comes in. Oh, sure, that JanSport backpack might have a lifetime guarantee, but how useless are guarantees when that shit falls apart after two days of making your shoulders feel like ass thirty miles from civilization?! We recommend the Poler Rolltop for several reasons: it will be totally adorable to have a matching sleeping back and backpack, it has a strap that goes across your man-titties to balance out the weight on your back, and it has parts of it made out of seatbelt material! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO RIP THAT CRAP! ($70 at Polerstuff.com)
You’re gonna need a place to crash after all the boozing and nature, and this is one spot where you don’t want to skimp. Getting some cheap tent will go poorly for you, TRUST ME. When that first shitty little pole snaps on that $30 Kmart POS, you’re gonna wish you listened to me. REI makes a point to practice what they preach, with (non-Photoshopped) photos of their staff doing all kinds of insane mountaineering all over their stores. With the REI Base Camp 4 tent you get enough space for 4 people, but let’s be honest, it’s gonna be you and your dogs. Well, this tent has plenty of space for you, your dogs, and any handheld technologies that you couldn’t give up for your weekend in nature. It even comes with a rainfly to keep yourself dry if you decide to camp in the frickin’ rainforest. ($390 at REI.com)