I recently flew from Southern California to San Francisco. The flight itself is about an hour, but between the TSA, packing, check-in and the wonderful world of “additional screening,” the process of getting TO the plane can take longer than that. Especially when you have tattoos, piercings, and bad taste in clothing that generally includes back patches and 12 pounds of spikes and studs. I’ve been travelling more and more as I have gotten older and have picked up a few tips and tricks, especially for those of us who are cheap, booze-loving bastards.
– Try to fly out of smaller, regional airports. I flew out of the LA-Ontario International Airport, which is not even in LA County, let alone the taint of LA that LAX is in. ONT is a wonderous airport, with no long line of tourists all trying to figure out how to traverse the horrendous maze that is the LAX Terminals. It took me all of 5 minutes to get my boarding pass, get through security, and get a bite to eat. The biggest downfall to this, however, is that at 7AM, not a damned thing was open except for a Schlotzkey’s Deli, slanging a $10 breakfast sandwich.
– Don’t wear punk, metal, rap or hip-hop shirts with anything that could be misconstrued as “I WANT TO BLOW UP THE ESTABLISHMENT,” which I am sure is a band or a band’s album name by now. I know it’s fucking stupid, but so are a majority of TSA agents. For all the high-tech equipment at their disposal, you still have 60 year-old white dudes stalking the lines waiting to utter the words “additional screening.” While at SFO, I got the joy of being selected, most definitely after the guy saw my GWAR shirt and thought that he could teach a lesson to some “punk kid” that he has all the power he could dream of. After being frisked and every square inch of my luggage swabbed and checked for “bad stuff,” I was free to go back on my way. Whether it’s your Wu Tang, US Bombs, The Coup or Dead Kennedy’s shirts, keep them in your bag or keep a plain long-sleeve shirt over it. Sure, you’re trying to rep a band, but with the amount of room for human error, I’m not trying to miss my flight because someone doesn’t know that This Bike Is A Pipe Bomb is a band.
– Check yourself before you wreck yourself. So, for all of the TSA’s pomp and circumstance, they’re insanely inconsistent. I went from ONT to Portland about a year ago and went through ONT’s processes without a hiccup. On my way back, however, they found a pocketknife in a small compartment of my backpack. Now, I use a pocketknife for some of my gigs, but know, I KNOW, not to bring them on a goddamned airplane. I could have saved myself a lot of fucking hassle by making sure that I fully emptied my backpack before using it to pack. Yes, the TSA recently announced that they are allowing certain pocket-knives and sporting equipment, which is great for Casey Jones, but honestly, just fly Southwest (If you can) and check that shit for free.
– Booze. You can bring some. Fuck, you can bring a lot, as long as you stick to that little rule about the size of your liquids. So, hit your local liquor store or shady-as-fuck bodega and get yourself a sampler pack. When you start to think “Fuck, $1.29 for this?,” remember, that shit’s 5 bucks on the plane, even more at the airport bar. So, kids, plan ahead and try to avoid the TSA shit-show. But, if you listened to my advice and still find yourself getting to second base with an overweight inspector, at least you’ll have enough cheap booze to make yourself forget.
-Jonathan Yost