It’s that time of the year again, the festive holiday season full of people decrying our capitalistic society’s waning valuation of the real reason for the season, while still leading retailers to record-breaking Black Friday sales. As it’s my second year out of retail hell, I can’t fucking wait. As much as I do love giving a solid present, I love getting stuff, too. But this year, I have a distinct advantage over my brother and sister: I got muthafucking engaged. My brother has always outscored me on gift-getting. Whereas I got a fucking Lego Shell Station, that asshole got a Power Wheels Jeep. THE JEEP! Not this time, turdburgler. With my wedding in October, I can guarantee this time it’s all about me, with that ever-looming possibility of making my mom a grandmother first. No, I am not above using this gift guide as a “HERE’S WHAT I WANT” to family and friends, this shit is cool. I mean, I ACTUALLY want this stuff, but I can’t buy it for myself, you guys, I HAVE A WEDDING TO PLAN.
So, as a solid segue into the goods, I have been home brewing for a few years now, usually making high-gravity hooch on the cheap, but with appropriately cheap equipment, too. The plan is to brew our own beer for the guests, to help make them dance-ready in one to two beers. It would not hurt to have this fancy kit from Midwest Brewing Supply to start brewing additional batches and kegging their asses to help cut down on the conditioning process. A couple extra carboys means I can spend a day brewing a couple of batches of Dumbledore’s Wand (a stout so dark it sucks the light out of the room) and my high-gravity IPA, the Emperor’s Not-So-Pale Ale. Want an instant invite to the wedding of the
century, week? Snag us one of these HERE.
The wedding’s gonna be in the mountains, and during the prepping I’ll be running around doing, I can’t wear my fancy wedding shoes. But, I can’t look like a schmuck, either. Instead, I’ll need something that looks good and keeps me from breaking my ankle on a goddamned pine cone. That’s where these Nike SneakerBoots come in. These badboys come in a medium olive green, perfect for the tranquil backdrop of the San Bernardino National Forest. Feel free to order me a size 11 1/2 HERE.
I mentioned the wedding will be in the mountains, but I didn’t mention that it will be cold as balls at night. I’m gonna need a sweater. This one is the sweater that I will need. Looks good, and the 100% acrylic means I’ll stay nice and toasty and not come down with a cold on the wedding day. Get me this sweater or you may well ruin my fiance’s dream wedding. Pre-order the bastard HERE.
With a wedding in the woods comes, you know, woods. If there’s some tree being a jerk and in the way, you bet your ass I’m going to take his ass out (it’s on private property, don’t worry about it). There’s all kinds of axes, including Swedish felling and hand axes, but since I am a red-blooded American, I need this here made in ‘Murica ax from Best Made Co. With said ax, I can up my manliness (thus ensuring that my fiance thinks I’m worth it to be stuck with FOREVER), and I’m pretty sure the sound of a tree falling is the equivalent to asking Nick Offerman to come hang out with you, which would be rad. Feel free to get me THIS ONE.
After all that tree cutting, I’m gonna get REAL thirsty. Hell, I’ll probably have some beforehand because doing work while sober SUCKS. I know what you’re thinking, “herbal whiskey” sounds weird. I said it, too. But then I tried some and… it’s really fucking good. Now, this is NOT to replace your Irish Whiskeys or Scotch, it’s to replace Fireball. It’s less sugary and doesn’t taste like some dropped a box of Red Hots in a bottle and decided to market it. That said, I want some more. Gimme gimme. You can find a seller near you HERE.
If I’m going to get a buzz and chop down a tree, I better be doing it while listening to Motörhead through some sweet headphones. With their new wireless headphones, I can do that and don’t have to worry about getting caught up in stupid wires while I’m sinking four pounds of 5160 high carbon US steel into the side of a pine tree who got on my bad side. The new design looks pretty sweet, too. Check out the full specs (especially for the blue ones) on their site HERE.
When the wedding reception is in full swing, I’m going to need to keep an eye on my glass of wine. Or whiskey. Or the beer I brewed. What better way to do that while keeping with the woodsy theme then drinking out of a goddamned horn that I can keep around my neck? Answer: there is none. This is, hands down, the best way to drink at a wedding. Pick up one for me and one for you HERE.
With the amount of last minute insanity of wedding-ness, people will be calling me non-stop, draining the shit out of my phone’s battery. Luckily, Kingston Technology has created the MobiLite, a hard drive that doubles as a USB charger (and triples as an SD card reader). The little fella’s lightweight, so I can carry it with me in my tux pocket without looking like a freak trying to find an outlet hooked up to a tree. This hot chunk of tech can be found HERE.
I mean, this shit just rules and I am almost out.
We paid a pretty penny (TENS OF THOUSANDS OF PRETTY PENNIES) for an amazing photographer, but that will last us through the Best Man puking on a bridesmaid and trying to fight a bear. When we hit that honeymoon, I’m going to want to capture the memories with some high-end lenses. I’m OK with the 28-70 F2.8 or the 70-200 F4 lenses. Ha, just kidding, I’ll take anything you wanna get me. Check out their entire line HERE.
Honeymoons are about relaxing and exploring new locales. Nothing says relaxed more to me that a solid hoodie. Nothing says “newlyweds” more than matching clothing. To meet both our needs, we’ll need these SWEET Star Trek hoodies. I’ll take a Red XL, please. The lady would look mighty fine in a blue medium. Get us our amazing gifts at THINKGEEK.
After our first several nights of boozing in a foreign land, we’re gonna want to stay in and watch a butt-ton of Jim Henson movies. Help us save on the insane prices of checked baggage by gifting us this sweet (lightweight) entertainment center. We can watch movies, use translation apps and check our email from our parents who want to make sure we’re not dead/checking on the status of grandchildren. Solid choice all around. You can order it direct from APPLE.COM.
When we get home, we’re going to need a slightly heftier media center, which is where the PS4 comes in. We can watch our new Blu-Rays that people will be buying us (Jurassic Park, Back To The Future, & The Labyrinth are all acceptable choices), check out NetFlix or, you know, play some actual video games. Available just about anywhere in a week or so, but snag the full info HERE.
In no short order, we’re gonna fart out a kid. We need to start investing in the kid’s future toys, ASAP before they get stuck with some stupid rip off of our childhood originals. Thus, the Hasbro Star Wars Black Series. Faithful replicas of original Star Wars characters. We’ll need to start off with BOBA FETT and HAN SOLO. You know what? Looking at Hasbro’s site, we’re going to need this TRANSFORMERS METROPLEX before we get stuck with toys from Michael Bay’s 7th installment of “General Motors Defends America.”