Ahhh, the stereotypical gift guides. While everyone’s going on about what YOU should give to other people for Christmas, I’m going to tell you what I, a 27 year old nerdy music snob with leftist leanings and a penchant for Thai food, would LOVE for my 28th birthday, this October 21st. Gimme gimme.
The PSPGo: I love gadgets. Mostly ones that allow me to dick off. I kept my first cell phone, an old Nokia 3310, for 2 and a half years after I changed plans simply so I could play Snake. The PSPGo is Sony’s answer to Nintendo’s DSi, but has clear advantages over it. While it does not have a camera, fuck it. This motherfucker has no discs to carry around, can play movies, MP3s can browse the internet through Bluetooth built in.
My roommate Will LOVES his PSP, and is always talking about its clear superiority to the DS I bought off him so I could play Rampage. He takes it jogging, to school, and I would not doubt, to the crapper. So, to reiterate: gimme gimme.
Let Them Know: BYO Records Boxset: If you grew up listening to punk in Southern California, you know who the fuck BYO records is. You also know who Youth Brigade are, and if you would have done your punk homework, you’d know that they are pretty much the same entity. With 25 years of kicking ass under their belt, the BYO box set comes in red vinyl (Yes, please) and CD (also acceptable). The Story of Youth Brigade and BYO Records comes with a book and a 90 minute movie, which, having seen it, I know is something I will watch again. But with more beer.
If you have even said the letters “D.I.Y.” you better grab a copy of this for yourself while you’re out getting mine.
Fender Flatwound Bass Strings: Honestly, I’ll take what I can get, but seeing as how I went through the effort of getting a fretless bass, I might as well go with the smoothest strings I’ve ever played while I’m at it. I mean that: SMOOTHEST STRINGS EVER. Sure Fender is some huge, corporate name, but seriously, their main line of instruments is fantastic. There’s a reason 90% of bands today play with a Tele, Strat or P-Bass. If you’re a bass player, and haven’t tried these, you’re missing out. You can try ’em out once I get my bass re-stringed.
The Boys: The Definitive Edition, Volumes I & II: This comic is AWESOME. So, here’s the deal: superheroes are ALL the result of some compound created during WWII. However, with no real sense of the rules, and definitely no one around to enforce them, a set of five mean motherfuckers are put together by the CIA to show ’em who’s boss. Tons of sex and gratuitous violence makes this right up my alley.
While I first tried to keep up with the individual issues, I found the trade paperbacks a better deal. Now that the Definitive Editions are out, well, I got a birthday to use as leverage to see if anyone cares about me. Written by Preacher’s Garth Ennis and illustrated by Transmetropolitan’s Darick Robertson, The Boys tackles issues of anti-Frenchism, humping your boss, a Russian Mafioso and a very memorable scene in which Wee Hughie and his lady friend discover they need a calendar. And don’t forget the spinoff: Herogasm.
Hot and Spicy Chex Mix: And lots of it. Chex Mix, in general, rules. I mean, when it comes to snacks that dwell in the salty world, Chex Mix allows you an amazing range of flavors and textures. Hot and Spicy, though, fuck yea! This bad boy has plenty of kick to grab my taste buds by the nuts to REALLY let them know that the flavor is there to stay. My only bitch is the amount of pretzel bits in it. Pretzels should be warm, soft, with fat salt crystals and mustard and you know it. I will also accept Bold Party Blend, Traditional and Peanut Lovers. If you get me any of the ones with chocolate in ’em, ESPECIALLY Turtle, I will assume you hate me and have given me pre-approval to kick your ass.
The Mountain “Bear Ripping Through My Sternum” shirt: The Mountain is most wildly know for the “Three Wolves & Moon” shirt, from which Threadless.com’s famous Three Keyboard Cats shirt is modeled after. I mean, look at this shirt: it’s MAJESTIC. How would I not want it? I found ’em on Amazon, simply searching for “The Mountain.” Also acceptable: The anthropomorphic “White Wolf Spirit.” It’s a wolf-man with a huge effing knife strapped to his side. Awesome.
He’brew’s Jewbelation Bar Mitzvah: If you have never hung with a Jew, know that they share a philosophy with Andrew W.K.: when they party, they party hard. The Chosen Beer’s new brew is no different. For their 13th Anniversary, He’Brew threw 13 different malts and 13 different hops in a barrel until it hit 13%. Now, my usual beer of choice when I want to get REALLY messed up is Gulden Drak, a Belgian ale that hovers just above 10%. This shit is gonna get the party started – IF one of you truly cares and will head over to BevMo and get me one.
Vinyl Collective “Under The Influence” series 15-24: With over a dozen sweet sweet split 7-inches of cover jams by the finest in BeardCore punks, Suburban Home Records presents series 2, as it were. Yes, I know it’s $50. If you are gonna be a cheapass, get me THIS, it’s buy 1, get 1 free right now, so just buy it for yourself and gimme the other one.
Jerk.
Asian Massage: My back hurts, I like chicks touching me. Done and done.
–Jonathan Yost