Last week, a terrible and tragic death occurred. He was a household name, a beloved member of society, even some people’s reason for life. That’s right, Billy Mays, pitchman for Orange Glo and OxiClean, sadly has passed away. I am expecting full media coverage and all the details in regards for his death. He changed my entire cleaning system with his obnoxious marketing of these products.
In lesser-known news, the King of Pop, Michael Jackson died at the age of 50. While reports are still inconclusive, it’s speculated that he died from an overdose of the painkiller Demerol. His closest family members have flocked to his estate to pay their grievances. And probably pick up some of his loot, since that stuff is selling like crazy. Hey, sharing is caring, right? His three kids have been sent to be with their grandmother, Katherine Jackson. I’m sure they’re slightly confused with the abrupt change in skin color, but the kids are adaptive. They can deal. Celebrities like Justin Timberlake, Diana Ross, and Paul McCartney are speaking out about the loss of the iconic pop singer. Even President Obama has issued a statement to the Jackson family. Close friend of Michael Jackson, Liv Tyler tweeted practically an entire novel in regards to his passing, but it can be summed up to the fact that she will be sobbing off her awkwardly applied eye makeup for a long, long time. TIME magazine is publishing a special edition for the first time after 9/11 in commemoration of Michael Jackson. Apparently a pale-skinned black man is just as important as a terrorist attack. Good to know.
On the bright side, the circus surrounding Chris Brown and Rihanna finally seems to be over. Chris plead guilty in the courtroom, earning himself 180 days of community service in Virgina, 5 years of probation for a felony assault, and he must enroll in a domestic violence counseling program. He also has to stay 50 yards away from Rihanna for 5 years, unless they are at an event, and it changes to 10 yards. Chris Brown did the entire court a favor by pleading guilty, since Rihanna was not required to testify. They were not forced to listen to that ghastly accent try to explain in broken English what she did to deserve getting hit. Since we all know that Chris Brown did not act unprovoked. He definitely will “Take You Down” though.