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Oh, autumn. Leaves changing colors, back-to-school, and cold weather. And a brand new batch of ridiculously dumb shows on television. Luckily for you all, I will give you my opinions on a few of the new upcoming shows. I can feel the enthusiasm.

ABC
Cougar Town-starring Courteney Cox, Christa Miller, Busy Phillips, Dan Byrd, Brian Van Holt, Josh Hopkins, Ian Gomez. Wednesdays at 9:30pm. Courteney Cox and her scary looking face star in this show about the trials and tribulations of dating after divorce. So basically, ABC took the plot of any show, and just added “after divorce” to put a new spin on it. So ingenious. Tune into this show only if you think you can handle staring at Courteney’s gaunt, raptor-like face for an entire show. In fact, make it a drinking game. Every time Courteney’s face resembles a prehistoric dinosaur, take a shot.
Eastwick-starring Rebecca Romijn, Lindsay Price, Jamie Ray Newton, Paul Gross, Sara Rue, Veronica Cartwright, Johann Urb, Jon Berthanol, Ashley Benson. Wednesday at 10pm. This is another one of those clichéd women power shows about women doing things single-handedly and changing the world- but this time magic and witch craft are involved. The concept of the show sounds overplayed, but at least there is eye candy in the form of Rebecca Romijn.

NBC
Mercy-starring Taylor Schilling, James Tupper, Jamie Lee Kirchner, Diego Klattenhoff, Michelle Trachtenburg, James Legros, Guillermo Diaz. Wednesday at 8pm. Surprise, surprise, another show about doctors and hospitals. But wait, this one shows it through the eyes of those who know it best, the nurses. Please. There are about 15 thousand shows that do the same thing. And none of these people are even that good looking! Pass.
Community-starring Joel McHale, Gillian Jacobs, Yvette Nicole Brown, Danny Pudi, Allison Brie, Donald Glover, Ken Yeong, and Chevy Chase. Thursday at 8pm. This show is NOT a medical drama, score one for NBC. It follows a group of community college students as they form a study group led by The Soup’s Joel McHale. This is actually one show I will tune in to watch, as should you. Anything with Joel McHale makes my TiVo list.

CBS
Three Rivers-starring Alex O’Loughlin, Katherine Moening, Julia Ormond, Daniel Henney, Justina Machado, Christopher Hanke, Joaquin De Almeida. Sunday at 9pm. CBS came up with the incredibly original idea of having a show about doctors in a hospital. Only they put a new spin on it, and made it about organ receivers and donors, and transplants. Well, that obviously makes it a whole new show and not EXACTLY the same as every other show about doctors and a hospital. On the bright side, there are a couple of cute guys. But that still doesn’t make up for the lack of creativity.
Accidentally On Purpose-starring Jenna Elfman, Jon Fostor, Ashley Jensen, Lennon Parhem, Grant Show, Nicholas Wright. Monday at 8:30pm. This show is the classic girl living with a boy roommate show. Only in this case, she got knocked up by him. As much as pregnant people disgust me, this show looks as though it might actually be funny. CBS has redeemed itself from its idiotic medical drama.

The CW
The Vampire Diaries-starring Ian Somerhalder, Nina Dobrev, Paul Wesley, Steven R. McQueen, Candice Accola, Katherina Graham, Kayla Ewell, Michael Trevino. Tuesday at 10pm. Twilight: The TV series. Next please. This isn’t worth my time, your time, or my finger’s arthritis.
The Beautiful Life-starring Sara Paxton, Ben Hollingsworth, Mischa Barton, Corbin Bleu, Elle Macpherson, Jordan Woolley, Nico Tortorella, Dusan Dukic, Ashley Madekwe. Wednesday at 8pm. Produced by Ashton Kutcher, this show boasts many famous names, and actually seems to have a decent plot. It’s a look behind the scenes of the cut-throat world of modeling. It’s like America’s Next Top Model without Tyra Banks cutting in to say something about herself every five minutes. This show has possibility.

Well, there you have it. I have successfully helped you sort out your weekday television schedule. Instead of sitting through hours of unnecessary shows, you can be out doing something useful. Like drinking.

–Cortney Long