Dear Kids of Today,
You have been hearing how hard it is to get a job for the last few years, and if you are 22 or younger, and have yet to have a “real” job (which I define as a job you want, not a job you need and/or a job that not only pays your bills, but allows you to do what you want.), you may well be terrified out of your fucking mind. I have been there. I was a redneck-raised turn with shaggy hair and a large collection of band t-shirts with holes in them. Now, after years of work experience in multi-million dollar companies, I can tell you: you can dress to impress at work and still rock sleeveless tees on your off time. I used to be like you, ignorant to how cufflinks works or that your collar has little plastic (sometimes metal) stays to keep your collar looking all pointy. Now I have my fancy schmancy job that requires me to wear a shirt and tie every stupid day.
Even if you’re about to graduate college, and think “OK, this college degree will get me a job,” you should probably pay attention to what I am about to tell you: GET IT TOGETHER. College may have given you a brief introduction into how to do electrical engineering or a basis in mass communications, but most colleges lack offerings of some job-obtaining fundamentals, like dressing for a job interview or even how to properly look for a job in your chosen field. Now, this is by no means a comprehensive list, but it can definitely help.
Dress yourself like you are already going to work and have been for sometime. This is important, because as much as we would all like to believe that our work ethics and shining personalities will get us ahead, people are shallow and will judge you when you try to pass Dickies off as slacks or you marinate in perfume. While this is ultimately up to you on whether you want to get the black suit or the tan, it’s fairly universally accepted that you need that crap clean, ironed, and ready to go BEFORE the day of your interview.
Fellas:
Let’s start from the top down, one thing to make sure is spot-on is a hair cut. No one wants to see your blow-out roll into their ad agency. Don’t go to Fantastic Sams, either, get yourself to an honest to God barber, the kind with old-timers talking about WWII like it was last Thursday. The one I go to hands me a beer when I roll in. SOLID. And don’t get one 20 minutes before the interview, those little hairs are nasty.
The boxed shirt/tie combos are not a particularly bad idea (though you could probably do better doing that crap a la carte at Marshalls), make sure to iron that thing before you put it on. You’re showing your interviewer that you can’t be bothered to get rid of wrinkles, let alone stay late to finish a project or help pick up the slack caused by Suzie’s stupid ass Jury Duty. The shirt and tie combo are the first things someone sees, so make it count. Button your top button, practice tying your tie, and tuck your undershirt into your underwear (it helps keep it from popping out your pants), and make sure that your undershirt is CLEAN and LOGO-FREE. Employers can see that your “undershirt” is actually a Four Loko promo shirt from Tittie-Fest 2010.
While we’re on the topic, get a damned iron. Ask for one as a graduation present, or buy one yourself, but get an iron ASAP. While you don’t have to get the Dyson of irons, do shill out a decent amount of money for a good one. The FV-4495 from T-Fal not only sounds like a sweet motorcycle, it looks kind of badass AND gets your crap crisp. It’s $45 on Amazon, which sounds like a lot when you don’t have any income, but hell, use it to make grilled cheese sandwiches (with the steam turned off) while you’re waiting for that first paycheck. Multitaskers rule.
As for the bottom half of you, get some damned slacks. I don’t mean “black pants that aren’t jeans,” I mean slacks. Again, they don’t have to be pricey, you can snag a pair of decent ones at Target for $30. Usually they are hanging, so you don’t have to iron them, but try them on, and bring a chick to tell you if they fit. Chances are, she’ll know better than you. Obviously, if you put out the cash money for a decent suit, you can get that shit tailored so it fits you proper. DO NOT GET SLACKS THAT ARE TOO LONG. That torn up shit at the back of your heel is not cute and makes you look more like a hobo than a job applicant. Also, do not get them too baggy (thugs rarely have real jobs) or too tight (that bulge is a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen).
Socks and shoes are also surprisingly important, mostly in that you SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER WEAR WHITE FUCKING SOCKS. EVER. Don’t fucking do it. Only a slight step up is black crew socks, but even better: buy some dress socks. Also, don’t wear sneakers, and clean your damned shoes.
Here’s a sample outfit:
Shirt
Tie
Slacks
DRESS socks
Dress shoes
If you can’t afford a whole suit, fine. That’s understandable, but if you want to keep moving up the ranks, get one ASAP.
It’s that fucking simple.
Ladies, I’m going to turn you over to Caitlin for some tips:
Here you go:
1. Dress professionally. Don’t know what this means? Take a good look at a news anchor. She’s usually wearing a dress, pantsuit, blazer or nice looking cardigan. All of the above are fine.
2. A caveat for the above – make sure it’s conservative. If it’s too short or shows too much skin, it’s likely against the company’s dress code and it just doesn’t look professional.
3. Don’t dress overly trendy. Unless you’re applying for a fashion-y, trendy position, avoid an over-stated look. Prime example – the leggings and chunky sweater combo – cute for shopping, not appropriate for an interview (while you’re at it, avoid leggings altogether). When in doubt, make it a little boring. A professional, sharply ironed, “I really want this job” boring.
A word on shoes: you do not need to wear heels. If you cannot walk in them, don’t wear them. If they are shoes you’d generally wear on a date or clubbing, don’t wear them (you know – the super platformed tall ones). Pointy toes generally looks sharper than ballet and flats look a little more grown up (note: flat pointy toe shoes can be very comfortable and picked up at Target for $15-30). Never, under any circumstances, wear sandals to an interview.
Sample outfit:
Blazer
Blouse
Slacks
Pointy toe shoes
Or
Dress (with sleeves)
cardigan
Heels
General tips:
– Never ever take your phone out, even in the lobby. Leave that shit in your car, even. You don’t want to look like you have somewhere else you need to be, even if you do.
– Get an email address that is YOURNAME@gmail.com. BrosB4Hoes@Douche.com is not going to be getting a job offer in the inbox.
– Feel free to take a second to answer a question before responding with “Uhhhhhhhhh.”
– Don’t marinate in cologne or perfume, you don’t want to remind your interviewer of their ex.
– For fucks sake, make eye contact.
– Research the company, what they do, how they started, etc. I mean, you SHOULD only be applying to companies you like, but even if you just need a job, make them feel special.
– Set your Facebook/Twitter/Instagram accounts to private. They may well research you, you dirty heathen.
– Practice a handshake beforehand. NO FIST BUMPS. EVER.
– Don’t talk shit on your current boss, it’s basically like talking about your ex on a first date, it’s a pretty big turnoff.
– Wait until it’s your turn to speak, then speak with confidence.
– You have strengths, and you have weaknesses, you know damned well they are different, so don’t pretend that “being a hard worker is your biggest weakness.”