Recently, I had a phone call from Eron, the drummer from Hawthorne Heights. Yeah, we’re tight like that, so any of you 16 year old sluts on MySpace reading this, I know you totally wanna suck my dick.
Racket: Man, I couldn’t believe that chick from Victory. She told us to have a good time like this was a fuckin’ playdate or something.
R: So are you hyped or what?
E: I don’t know.
R: I gotta tell you dude, we’re the most awesome magazine in the world, so get pumped, ‘cause this is going to be the best interview of your life.
E: Uhh, yeah dude.
R: What brand of eyeliner do you use?
E: I don’t use any eyeliner.
R: You don’t use eyeliner? C’mon man, I’ve seen the press photos.
E: No, no, none of us need any kind of eyeliner or makeup. That’s not for us, man.
R: Alright man. Was there a lottery system to figure out who got which haircut?
E: (forced laughter) No, pretty much, we just go to the barber shop and tell them “make me look good,” and that’s about it.
R: So what, was it like Hair Cuttery or something?
E: Yeah, we don’t base our image, like a lot of bands do, based on what we look like, y’know?
R: Liar. So who do you think would win in a fight, Hawthorne Heights or Fall Out Boy?
E: Um, I think we would, if they didn’t have their security guards with them. ‘Cause, they’re all kind of small guys, and we’re all about six feet tall.
R: Which member of Fall Out Boy do you want to fight the most?
E: I don’t really care to fight any of ‘em. They’re all pretty cool guys.
R: Come on, look at Patrick Stump’s hair. I wanna fight the guy! You can be honest with me, man.
E: Uhh, yeah, I mean, I hang out with them pretty much every day.
R: Alright, I’m guessing you’re a coward. Who would win in a fight, Hawthorne Heights or a group of schoolchildren?
E: Well, um, how many schoolchildren?
R: We’re talking four to six 4th graders.
E: Fourth graders? I think we’d be able to whip their asses pretty well.
R: Would you use like metal rakes or knives and shit?
E: (more forced laughter) Yeah, you know, a knife or a metal rake wouldn’t be bad.
R: So this is going to be the lead quote in the article: “Hawthorne Heights: ‘We Will Beat Up Children!’”
E: Uh, ok.
R: Who’s your favorite character from Brokeback Mountain?
E: I haven’t even seen the movie yet!
R: Okay! Pick one: Jake Something or Heath Whatever.
E: Ummm, uhhh, I’ll, uhhh, go with Heath Whatever.
R: Who’s more metal: Phil Collins or Sting?
E: Umm, lemme go with Sting, ‘cause to my knowledge he hasn’t done any Disney movie soundtracks.
R: Alright, that’s pretty rockin’. Wrong, but rockin’. I hate poor people; what kind of people do you hate?
E: (awkward laughter) I hate just ignorant people that, uhh, think they know your band, everything about your band, and talk shit online.
R: Oh man, that was such a lame answer! Don’t you hate like Gypsies or blacks or something?
E: Uhh, no.
R: I’m talking of course what you do after 18. Anything you do in high school is up to you, man. You know, grass on the field and all that. You ever fooled around with any chicks on tour?
E: Definitely not. I’m married. I’ve been married for years.
R: Hey man, I won’t tell her! You can tell me. We’re cool. We’re tight. I’m down with the scene.
E: We’re all pretty lame when it comes to fooling around with groupies and all that.
R: What’s your penis’ nickname?
E: I don’t have one. I’m not that kind of guy.
R: So you wouldn’t call it, like, Rueben, or Orlaff the Destroyer or something?
R: Alright. So why write songs from the stalker’s point of view?
E: The stalker’s point of view?
R: Yeah, like why do you stand outside of that chick’s window, with your radio? That’s kind of creepy dude, I’ll be honest. I mean, I’ve been there, I understand it; it’s just kind of creepy.
E: We’d just been watching a lot of Say Anything, the John Cusack movie, when we wrote the lyrics to that song, and that’s how we came up with the lyrics.
R: Wow, I can’t think of a single band that’s done that lately. How many people have you stalked lately?
E: We’re not big stalkers, we’re not into really into hanging outside of peoples’ homes.
R: You’ve never gone through a chick’s garbage?
R: No?!? Dude, what a sissy! I mean, you gotta get out there, man! If there’s a chick you’re into, you gotta go through her trash and steal their phone records and peer through their window and stuff.
E: I dunno, dude.
R: Why scream so much? Are you sad?
E: There’s not so much screaming on the new record as there was on the old one, ‘cause it sounded forced on the old record. But it’s part of our scene; we like a lot of hardcore bands and wanted to bring that element and that influence into our music.
R: So would you describe your band as hardcore?
E: No. I would describe us as a “rock” band, but we do have emo influences, hardcore influences.
R: Do you ever wanna fight Chris Carraba from Dashboard Confessional?
E: Um, no, not really.
R: Come one, that guy’s a pussy! Just get a chain and go to town on him, man. You’d be doing culture a favor.
E: I haven’t wanted to fight anyone in a few years, ever since I graduated from college.
R: Who did you want to fight in college? Was the football team kicking your ass or something?
E: No one in particular, but I would definitely go to hardcore shows with friends, and inevitably, we’d get in a fight with someone in the crowd.
R: Did anyone ever try to grab your crotch while moshing? It happens to me all the time, and I just want to make sure it’s not just me.
E: I’ve never had my crotch grabbed while moshing. I think I might have accidentally grabbed while moshing. Yeah.
R: Have you ever drunk the blood of your enemies?
E: No, I have not.
R: Pussy. Why not, dude?
E: Uhh, I’m not a vampire.
R: Whatever. What’s your favorite illegal drug?
E: I don’t do drugs anymore. I smoked pot, so I’ll go with that one.
R: Is that all you ever did?
R: I’m telling ya man, you gotta try coke, ‘cause that stuff’s pretty bomb. If I were a rock star like you, I would be doin’ that every fuckin’ night. So, if you get a chance, *sniff, sniff*
E: I hear that, but, we’re not one of ‘em.
R: True or false: Gypsies only exist to make the rest of humanity feel better about itself.
R: Correct! You go home with the dinette set.
E: Alright. (laughs)
R: Have you ever freebased Viagra?
E: Hahahahaha, no.
R: No? I thought you were a rock star, man! I thought you were gonna be like Motley Crue, beating up strippers and the like.
E: No, we’re pretty lame.
R: What’s a typical night backstage for Hawthorne Heights?
E: It involves a lot of playing online and watching TV.
R: What do you guys play?
E: We’ve got a little Halo going on.
R: Is it like an Everquest marathon?
E: No, no. I wish I had time. I’m a big role-playing game nerd. Ever since I’ve been in a band full time, I haven’t had time to get immersed in that stuff.
R: What’s your favorite game of all time?
E: Final Fantasy, I think. I’m a big Dungeons and Dragons fan.
R: Who in Hawthorne Heights masturbates on the bus when they think everyone else is asleep?
E: Um, probably everyone in the band and the crew.
R: Is it one big circle, or is everyone in their own bunk?
E: Everyone’s in their own little bunk, and actually, we have a funny story about that.
E: Yes. Our one guitar tech, he had his light on in his bunk, and he was looking at porn on his Sidekick, and he didn’t realize that the screen on his bunk you could see through when the light was on, so literally, all of us, we’re just sitting outside of his bunk, watching him.
R: So Eron of Hawthorne Heights, you admit to watching a man masturbate?
E: Uhh, yeah. It’s pretty funny, y’know…
R: Do you think that if Hitler had gone to trial with Johnny Cochran as his lawyer, he could have gotten off?
E: Haha! Well, Johnny Cochran’s a pretty damn good lawyer, but the whole Holocaust thing, I dunno.
R: If the Holocaust does not fit, you must acquit!
R: Have you seen the pictures of Pete Wentz’s penis online? For a guy who’s as famous as he is, he’s got kind of a small wiener.
E: Yeah, we’ve all seen the pictures.
R: Was that what your roadie was looking at on his Sidekick?
E: No, he told us he was reading the Penthouse Forum.
R: Lame! Have you ever fucked on a pile of money?
E: No I have not.
R: Is that because you’re a virgin?
E: (testily) No, I’m not a virgin. I’ve just never fucked on a pile of money.
R: Alright dude, keep it gangster. Compton, WHAT?!?
E: West side!
R: Dude, that’s gay.
– By Matt Corbett.
Photo by Gene Smirnov