Well, I got to sit on the tour bus with Jess Margera (yes, Bam’s brother, no, I didn’t care, but I’m sure there are those that do.) and got to talk swords and booze. Pretty much everything good in the world.
The Emperor!: I didn’t come here with any questions, I didn’t read a bio, I don’t know much. I heard some of your songs. They’re really good. That’s really it. So I think the first question I want to ask, what really pisses you off?
CKY’s Jess: What really pisses me off? Um…L.A. traffic. [laughs]
TE!: Why is L.A. the worst fucking city on the planet, dude?
CKY: I lived here for a year and I couldn’t handle it. I was like “I gotta get outta here!” I moved out here because I was sick of taking planes every other week. So I was like, it’s just easier to live out there for a year while we do the album. And uh, dude, a twenty minute drive where I’m from is like two hours [laughs]. I just lost my mind over here.
TE!: I work in Arcadia and like even then it took me like an hour to get here and it’s only like ten minutes or ten miles away.
CKY: I was just ready to just get a fucking motorcycle or something.
TE!: So drinking and PCP, those rule, what’s the most drugs you’ve seen someone have in their system while they’ve performed?
CKY: Oh man, our bass player, Matt. We’re in Amsterdam and he went for it. [Laughs]. I don’t know what he took, but he was on the verge of cracking dude. Like by the end of the night, you could just tell that he was like having a million thoughts in ONE second [whispers] and his eyes were going all over and if you made eye contact with him, it freaked him out really bad. So I was like “Aw dude,” uh, you know, trying not to look at him like, “Hey Matt, can I get ya’ anything, man? Like you know, anything that will help you out? You’re pretty stressed, huh?” And he’s like, “ICE CREAM!” [Laughs]. So I was like, “Alright, man! Shit, I’ll get you some ice cream.” So I found some ice cream shop and he was just sitting there licking that ice cream cone with like such determination like “I’m gonna eat this! I’m gonna eat this!” You know? It was pretty funny.
TE!: What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream?
CKY: I gotta go with the cookie dough.
TE!: Cookie dough?
CKY: Fuckin’ great.
TE!: [Sighs] Are you one of those people that get like the cookie dough tubs and just eats that?
CKY: Naw, my wife, she was all about it when she was pregnant or whatever, so she got me turned on to it [laughs].
TE! So how many kids do you have?
CKY: I have two girls.
TE!: Two girls?
CKY: Yeah. 2 ½ and 8 months.
TE!: Are you stoked about having girls?
CKY: Yes.
TE!: Or did you want boys?
CKY: Uh, I’m fine either way, you know? As long as they have ten fingers, ten toes I’m psyched.
TE!: Are you gonna be the dad that has a shotgun with like the boyfriend’s name on it?
CKY: Dude, I have a sword.
TE!: [Laughs]
CKY: I bought a sword in this town called New Hope. It’s where we are recording our new album, actually. It’s just this small town in the middle of nowhere but they have all these medieval stores with like swords and just you know, D&D shit, like Lord of the Rings. But ,yeah, I, you know, took a break from recording and went to check out some of the uh… [Interruption!] What’s up Brocky?! [Emperor’s Note: Brockie = Oderus from GWAR.]
TE!: It’s cool.
CKY: I’m telling him about the sword that I just bought. [Pauses]. I bought a sword dude.
Brockie: A real one?
CKY: Yeah. For when my daughters get like, you know…
Brockie: [Interupts] Outta hand?
CKY: No, no.
TE!: [Laughs]
CKY: Yeah, right. [Sarcastically laughs]. When they bring their boyfriends, I’m just gonna flash my sword like “Have her home by eight,” you know? 8:01, you lose a finger. 8:02, you lose two fingers.
Brockie: I just spent half an hour talking to this dude. [Points to The Emperor] I can’t stand him anymore.
CKY: [Laughs]
Brockie: Just hanging later, signing Jack’s will together.
CKY: Oh yeah, dude! Isn’t that crazy?
Brockie: That IS crazy.
CKY: Tell ‘um, “flattering.”
Brockie: It kinda is man.
CKY: Thanks dude, yeah.
Brockie: I was like “What are you leaving me anyway?” He thought I meant he was leaving us as a manager. I was like, “No.”
CKY: [Laughs]
Brockie: What of your STUFF are you leaving me when you die? What about your car?
CKY: Yeah, I know, that Chrysler’s rad, dude.
TE!: Who’s will?
CKY: Oh, our manager is Jack Flannigan. He manages Clutch, us and GWAR and he’s doing his last will today for some reason.
CKY: He’s only like, 50 or something [laughs]. He told me and Brocky, aka Oderus from GWAR that uh, we have to sign the will together.
TE!: As witnesses?
CKY: Yeah, we’re the witnesses, yeah.
TE!: That’s bizarre.
CKY: I was like, what??? Flattering, thanks man. [Laughs].
TE!: I usually stay away from uh, recording questions ‘cuz everyone asks recording questions. But has there ever been a song that you have written or recorded that you’re like “Where the fuck did that come from?”
CKY: Yeah man, definitely! Plenty of times. Like, it’s like when we were younger, we used to record constantly, we’d just do albums in a week for fun, just on a four-track, you know? And we’ll just be like rehearsing and we’ll like dig out a riff that from ten years ago, then we’ll just make it into something. It’s really cool ‘cuz there’s so many songs that I’m so bummed to see that nothing turned out from that and then you know, for shits and giggles we’ll just kind of mess with it and then it’ll work out good…so…
TE!: Um, has there been any songs that you blatantly ripped off from someone else?
CKY: Um, there are songs that were definitely influenced by bands, definitely, like, we’re listening to My Bloody Valentine pretty much constantly when we did that song, “To All of You.” Dude we went through the whole tremolo guitar thing, you know?
TE!: [Laughs]
CKY: We did like, fuck, ten guitar tracks or something. Yeah, we just went for it and we just wanted a song that vaguely kinda sounded like My Bloody Valentine ‘cuz we were…you know, when that shit came out in ’91, like I was probably, what, fucking 14 or something and I’ve never heard anything like that record, you know? “Loveless” by My Bloody Valentine, like ’91 you know is just fucking Faith No More and all that which I love but that record came out and it was like, “What the fuck?!” This sounds crazy, you know? So we’ve been hooked on that; I still listen to that record once a week.
TE!: All the names blend together, I hate to say this but you have like My Bloody Valentine, Bullet from My Valentine, Bleeding through Winter’s Autumn, Bleeding Bloody Blood…
CKY: I HATE all that shit.
TE!: What’s the worst band name that you can think of?
CKY: Dude, there’s too many to pick from. Any metal core band’s name: The Autumn Effect, or the Burnt Leaves Bloody, Burnt Leaves Falling, Autumn Burns Blood…Red.
TE!: [Laughs]
CKY: That shit is so gay, dude. It’s a shame, man ‘cuz I hate to sound old, you know, I’m only 29, but I feel like the kids today are being fuckin’ robbed like they don’t have any good bands anymore like all that emo shit like…it sucks dude. It is TERRIBLE. It’s like they just started playing or something, I don’t know. I grew up with bands like Primus, they’re fucking insane.
TE!: Dude, they’re fuckin’ crazy!
CKY: Faith No More. All the very awesome musicians with awesome songs and it’s just, dude, I feel bad, dude. Blink 182 is a big influence apparently. [laughs].
TE!: [Laughs]
CKY: C’mon that band’s fucking terrible. God…
TE!: Has there ever been a musician that you wanted to have a guest spot on your albums?
CKY: Uh, this year, I called pretty much fucking every musician that I have respect for and told ‘um “Let’s record” so I did that. [laughs].
TE!: Who’s all showing up?
CKY: Uh, Neil from Clutch, a bunch of people.
TE!: So, what is your favorite beer?
CKY: Yuengling, like by far.
TE!: What’s that?
CKY: Yuengling [Emperor’s Note: pronounced Yin Ling], yeah.
TE!: I’ve never heard of it.
CKY: It’s a PA beer. It’s like, the best thing you could ever drink EVER [laughs].
TE!: Is that true?
CKY: Yeah. It’s the best beer by far, ask anybody dude. The Vein of Jenna, dude, the band that’s opening, they’re from Sweden and the guy’s like, “You know, I like your country but your beer fucking sucks.”
TE!: [Laughs]
CKY: What are you drinking? “This Budweiser shit.” And I’m like, “Yeah, that’s why,” and then I gave him a Yuengling and he’s like “See, this is fucking good!” You know, like because they got that Carlsberg and shit.
TE!: Yeah, yeah.
CKY: Yeah, that’s stuff’s good.
TE!: Agreed.
CKY: I’m a total beer snob, dude [laughs].
TE!: Oh, yeah, have you ever had a Gulden Draak?
CKY: What’s that?
TE!: Belgian beer.
CKY: No.
TE!: It’s like “Golden Dragon,” it’s like 11.8%
CKY: Yeah?
TE!: When my friends and I would get like a big bottle of it, we call it “Riding the Dragon” when we drink it.
CKY: Yeah?
TE!: There’s nights when we drink just to get as wasted as humanely possible.
CKY: [Laughs]
TE!: So we grab like a bottle of Merlot, chug it out of “frat boy” cups.
CKY: Oh god.
TE!: Just chug it and like 30 seconds a bottle of Merlot is gone and we gotta shotgun three beers.
CKY: Oh yeah?
TE!: To make up for that and one of them being you know, “Riding the Dragon.”
CKY: Well I’m deejaying tonight at Viper Room and we’re going to get fucking drunk as shit.
TE!: [Laughs]
CKY: You’re welcome to come.
TE!: [Laughs]
CKY: Dude, I’m busting out some shit for you, Chaddy boy.
TE!: [Laughs]
Chad: Stick away from the Ween
CKY: Yeah, I know. I learned that.
TE!: Are you and weed not friends?
CKY: No, WEEN.
TE!: Oh, Ween? Oh…[laughs]
CKY: I like that, I like that band a lot but, uh.
Chad: [Interupts] Oh, I was a fan for years.
CKY: Yeah, Chad’s a huge Ween fan until, uh…
Chad: [Interupts] Until Mickey and I got to know each other too well.
CKY: Are you sure you want to talk about this in the magazine?
Chad: No, it is just, I mean, Mickey and I got to know each other too well that’s all.
TE!: [Laughs]
CKY: We hang out at the same bar with the Ween guy, and one night, we just caught him on a bad night I guess.
Chad: That was it, just like, you know? Two of us got into a drunken argument, whatever…
TE!: What is THE worst question you have ever been asked in an interview?
Chad: That was it.
CKY: Yeah [laughs]
Chad: That was a good one.
CKY: Uh, damn, uh, “What’s the craziest thing that’s ever happened to you?” I hate that ‘cuz it’s just like I don’t fuckin’…I’ve been on tour for ten years, where do I start?
Chad: Toast that got burnt…
CKY: Yeah, yeah. Well somebody asked Brandon Deacon, remember that question, once? And he was like “Yeah, one time I micro waved this toast and it got all burnt.”
[Laughter]
CKY: The guy’s like “ah…” [laughs]
TE!: What question have you never been asked that you would really liked to be asked?
CKY: Uh, man I think I’ve been asked every question there is. Did you go on “Ask CKY” on our website? We answered 10,000 questions over the past, what? Six years or something?
TE!: Jesus Christ.
CKY: So I think we’ve answered every question there is [laughs]
Chad: We hold the Guinness Book of World Records for the world’s longest interview in text by the fans, answered by the band.
CKY: [Laughs]
TE!: Have they ever asked you…
Chad: [Interupts] Yup
TE!: Yeah?
CKY: [Laughs]
TE!: What Teletubby would you most like to get down with in the sack?
CKY: Uh.
Chad: Probably
CKY: Yeah. [Laughs] I think we did answer that.
Chad: Did we answer that? ‘Cuz there’s a search thing [laughs]
CKY: Teletubbies?
Chad: I know.
CKY: You know, those things freak me out because my two-year-old was all about it for a while and I was like man, these things are freaky, dude.
TE!: That sucks man, that’s gotta be the worst part of parenting is kids shows.
CKY: Yeah, well I can deal with fuckin’ Dora the Explorer and all that shit. I don’t know, something about Barney and something about the Teletubbies that I just can’t handle [laughs].
TE!: Um, to finish it up, does your wife enjoy your gnarly ass beard?
CKY: [Laughs] Yeah, she’s all about it.
TE!: [Laughs]
CKY: I was gonna grow it really long for Halloween, do like the Viking thing.
TE!: Oh?
CKY: [Laughs]
TE!: I found out that it is too soon, still, to put on a refrigerator box and put a plane sticking out of it.
CKY: Oh yeah?
TE!: Apparently it’s too soon for that.
CKY: [Laughs] Yeah. [Pauses] Wait a couple years.
TE!: Yeah, yeah. We’ll be good, we’ll be good. Alright, man.
– Jonathan “The Emperor” Yost.