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Holy fuck. I am turning 30. I’m pretty sure at some point I will need to be a full-blown grown-up. As such, I am going to put some pricey ass shit in here as I describe how I expect shit to go down as I celebrate turning the big 3-0.

First thing’s first, I am gonna need some booze. Wait, first thing’s first, I’m gonna need a camera to document all the cool things my REALLY cool friends are bound to get me. This will probably be the Flip MinoHD 8 GB video camera. 2 hours of debauchery captured in 720p HD? Awesome. I can easily capture all the drunken escapades that will make my parent’s be embarrassed to the max. This college degree is going out the damned window!

 

 

NOW it’s time for booze. I recently went to a tasting event presented by Bushmills and while it was an open bar there, I was unable to order any “to go,” which was unfortunate. Of the 6 different Bushmills brand they had there, hands down my favorite was the Bushmills 16 year. According to the master distiller, they age this one in barrels once used for sherry, so it gives the whiskey…uh…some sherry flavor or something. Now, I’m no professional whiskey taster, but I can tell you that this whiskey was goddamned tasty neat and wouldn’t mind a whole lot more of it. At about $70 a bottle, I expect all my friends to give me the finger and get me a $9 bottle of Kroger brand whiskey and tell me to deal with it. I’ll honestly drink either.

 

 

Once I’m good and trashed, probably from drinking straight from the bottle, and I’ll be seeing double, I’ll need something decent for my eyes to look at. Like dinosaurs dressed as motherfuckin’X-Men from Superhero Dinos! As I was always a big fan of Nightcrawler, get me that one and I will look at it as hard as possible. $20 is totally worth it. You know, $20 of YOUR money. But, wait, there’s more! We now have a coupon code to save 10%: RACKETGIFT


Is $20 too much? Asshole. Fine, but let’s keep with the dinosaur theme and you can get me one of THESE THINGS.

 

OK, by now, I’ll probably drink some more of that Bushmills that someone REALLY cool got me (or the Kroger brand gut-rot) and want to listen to something that’s going to REALLY freak me out. I may start off with this fancy re-release of Pink Floyd’s Wish You Were Here. Not only does this album kick ass on it’s own, but the cover was Christine Curry’s inspiration for our first Killer Sharks compilation. But, as the limitations of vinyl means that I can only trip balls for about an hour, and I’d want the vinyl edition, natch, I’ll have to whip out the Flaming Lips’ 6 hour opus “Found A Star On The Ground,” which will be housed in some kind of psychedelic light-based spirograph thingie called the Strobo Trip. Sounds about par for course for Wayne Coyne, who even said himself that he expects some people to drop acid and fuck with the thing. I’ll stick to booze.

 

Speaking of booze, by now my attention will have diverted back to drinking and I’ll be looking for some variety, and may well opt for some decent beer. For that, I’d request someone bring me the Shmaltz Brewing Company/Terrapin Beer Co. joint effort: The Reunion Ale ’11. Everything that I’ve had from Shmaltz has been delicious, and I’d love to get my hands on this as well. Buttloads of chocolate malts, cocoa nibs, vanilla and chilli pepper makes this a beer I can’t wait to get fucked up on.

 

About now I think it’s safe to say that I’ll also be needing some ibuprofen. Doesn’t have to be fancy, Target brand shit will suffice.

While pounding away at those Reunion Ales, I’m sure to want to start drunk cooking. Now, as much as I’d love to ask for fancy cooking knives or utensils, we all know that cooking while drunk should be simple. As simple as, let’s say…nachos. Chips, beans, cheese, microwave, add salsa and sour cream. Fucking nachos. Now, as I’ll be drunk, even this simple task will probably make a fucking mess, so I’ll need an apron to help keep myself presentable. This Batman one from Think Geek will suffice. Someone stop me if I try to make a grappling hook out of a fork and some kitchen twine. Unless you think it may work, then FOLLOW ME TO THE ROOF!

 

Now, I will wake up the next morning, not remembering that I went to bed, but being painfully aware that I did so alone. Which is good, because that Batman apron, while looking badass, was no match for me thinking my shirt would look “a lot more badass” with “Rambo-style” tears in it. Hopefully, someone got me that Threadless Comics On Tees 4 pack, so that I can make attempts to regain my dignity in style. I mean, they have fucking robots on them. COME ON! Now someone take me to get burritos, I’m gonna need hangover food like fucking crazy.

 

-Jonathan “The Emperor” Yost