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I mean awesome Australia cuisine………..sicko.

While you Americans chow down on your hotdogs and Oreo’s, we Aussies are somewhat more refined in the art of culinary. To educate you on countries outside of your own, I thought I would teach a lesson in Australian Cuisine. Crikey…

1. Pavlova: Who knows where this sweet delight started, but it is a definite fixture in Australian homes at Christmas time! It is basically whipped egg whites and sugar…yep…that’s pretty much it! “But isn’t that just an omelette with freakin’ sugar?” I hear you ask! No no, my friend, it is fluffy and pretty and like a little mountain, and you top it with cream and fruit and you serve it at birthdays and weddings. It’s a really fucking sexy tradition.

2. Vegemite: If you are a fan of Olivia Newton John, and let’s face it, what self respecting punk isn’t, then you will have heard of Vegemite. Vegemite has been the source of many marriage breakdowns between Americans and Australians since that little bitch sang about the spread back in the 50’s. I am not well informed enough to let you know her name or the actual song title, but trust me, this shit went down. Vegemite is pretty much the food equivalent to Henry Rollins. You either love it or you hate it. There is no middle ground here. It’s salty and black and sticky. You don’t smear it on thickly over your bread like you do with jam (oh, I’m sorry – I will translate – JELLY). To enjoy vegemite to its best you slather on more butter then in a pound cake onto your toast and let that melt, then you just dab a tiny bit of vegemite over it. Some people also use vegemite as a stock for gravy. But these people are usually rapists, so it’s best you just stick to my way. The high way.

3. Meat Pies I am sure you have pies in your country. And I will even venture to say yours could be a little cooler with your pumpkin pies and what not. But only in Australia can you buy a Four N’ Twenty meat pie and find a used bandaid inside. Oh the glory of the football games, you have your beer, your drunk as fuck and you take a big bite into your pie and a thick piece of used dental floss gets stuck in your teeth. It’s awesome! And BONUS, its not even real meat, its like grizzle and pieces of lung debris and shit. Kicks Ass!

4. Beer: Every country has beer. But not every country has the best beer. We do though. Whether is VB, XXXX or Toohey’s we know how to make beer and we know how to get annihilated and act inappropriately.  We know how to come across as Racist Bigots, get ourselves fired from our jobs and apologise to the nation on the 6 o’clock news for the text messages we sent. We are so rock and roll down here.

 

5. Weetbix and Milo: Ahhh. No Australian childhood is complete without Weetbix and Milo. Both cute animal names, these are actually nutritional foods for a well balanced diet. So the cartons tell us… Weetbix are made of, wheat I suppose. I could google it, but eh, who has the time. Everyone has their own way of eating it. Some drown it in hot milk and top it with brown sugar. Others use water to soften it and cover it in honey. Others eat it straight from the packet, hard and crisp with butter and vegemite or jam. This version actually leaves you really dry in the mouth – sort of like when you eat cotton wool – and you know what I’m talking about! Milo is the backbone of our culture. It’s amazing. It is chocolaty but oh so much more then that. It is the best hangover cure. Hot or cold. Mixed with Milk! Or you can have the milo -milo bars, milo balls, milo ice cream, or milo scoop shake ….ahh the list is endless. The milo bits float to the top of the glass and your job is to skull the whole thing before it just tastes like milk with a layer of milo at the top and cough up all the flyaway milo crumbs before they get lodged in your throat and hardens.

This is just a brief example of the culinary delights we have down here, I know your probably drooling at the mouth wanting to pack up and move here now and try our ‘roo meat! But get in line, half the world wants to live here too, and until we sort our shit out you all have to wait detained in cages in Western Australia with most of Asia till we let you out!  

By Al Tselios