Ah, the holidays. The time for everyone to bitch about Black Friday while simultaneously wanting to know what sweet shit they’ll get from Aunt Irene. You know what? I’m not above wanting shit, too. BUT, as I’ve grown and matured (read: got a job), I’ve gone from wanting stupid shit to good shit. From booze to art to tech, here’s a list of good shit I want.
Wild Turkey American Honey – $24.99
Turkey is prevalent during the holidays, as is whisky, and, I dunno, honey’s probably around somewhere. Who cares about this stupid attempt at a segue, this is some tasty stuff. Mixing actual honey into actual whisky makes it slightly less alcoholic, but a bit more palatable if hardcore cask-strength scotches aren’t your thing. It’s decent for sipping and shooting, but I’m sure you could mix it… if you are a terrible death-monster who hates flavor and freedom and America and everything good in this world. Soon to be available in spiceyyyyyy (American Honey infused with ghost peppers).
Herradurra Colección de la Casa, Reserva 2014 – Scotch Cask Finish Reposado – $89.99.
Tequila aged in scotch casks? I’m interested. Herradurra (God, that’s fun to say) tells me that it has some vanilla, honey, caramel, and butter tastes with a smoky aroma, but I’ll probably need a bottle to double check.
Wasmund’s Barrel Aging Kit – $50-$130
Speaking of barrel aged… While you can get this as a single charred American oak barrel (in 2L or 3L) and age whatever the hell you want, you can also get it with a couple bottles of Wasmund’s Single Malt or Single Rye spirits. The unnamed spirits need to spend a few months in the barrel to become whiskey, but to me, that’s a waste of having your own barrel. Just buy the final product if you’re not going to fuck with it. Throw a home-brew in there, or, if you ARE going to buy their pre-made spirits, add some weird shit in there, too. Chuck a few vanilla beans or some jalapeños or something. Me? I have a stout recipe that would LOVE this shit.
Creepy fucking Alf art – $15 – 46
Just saw it online. Hillary White’s creepy as fuck art has a very special place on the wall. The wall in the garage. My wife wouldn’t let this shit in the house in a million years. Obviously I need it. (I’ll take a medium, please.)
Funko Pops – Prices vary, but generally pretty cheap.
I have a few of these, Beetlejuice, Venkman, The Iron Giant, but they’re like Pringles, once you pop, you can’t stop! Whether you are into video games, movies, TV shows, hell, even the NFL, they have a big-eyed POP! just for you. I might as well just adjust my direct deposit info to their account. Gremlins POPs!? GIMME.
Meridian Line Yosemite Valley Print – $34.95
I had the good fortune to marry a woman who loves the outdoors. She took me to Yosemite and I was blown away. After four days in the park, I still hadn’t witnessed 1/10% of what John Muir used to convince the US government to create the National Park system. Just seeing the map makes me want to go back immediately. Gimme gimme.
Threadless – Whatever V-Neck – $25
It’s a sloth doing sloth stuff and trying to convince me to do sloth stuff. Into it. XL, please, I’m tubby.
Olloclip – $79.99
I’ve seen a bunch of hipster nerds use these lenses on their iPhones for fun fish-eye and wide angle effects and I’ve finally gotten over my condemnation of using add-on lenses to a cell phone. That, and I hope that the hipster nerd’s beard thickness wears off on me. Seriously, what is that, 400 follicles a square inch? IT’S A HI-RES BEARD.
Peak Design – Cuff™ – $19.99
Until I get a fancy schmancy Olloclip, I’ll stick with my heavy duty DSLRs. Luckily, Caitlin got me a really rad American flag strap for one of them, but when I’m double-fisting cameras at a show, I’ve often thought about how easy a shorter strap would be for one of them. Enter the Cuff from Peak Designs. It latches onto your normal strap loop, but isn’t forty fucking feet long.
Smith and Wesson Border Guard knife – $39.99
I always wondered why so many people had pocket knives tucked into their pockets, then I got one for work and haven’t looked back. I’ve gone through a couple of them; broken screws, jacked up blade, confiscated by the Mickey Police at Disneyland, but the best one I’ve found is the Border Guard from Smith and Wesson. I have no idea why it’s called the Border Guard, cuz I sure ain’t gonna use it on any of my neighbors to the south. Unless it was one of them that broke into my car and rummaged through my gym bag. WHOEVER IT WAS, FUCK YOUUUUUUUU!
Evernote Moleskin – $34.95
Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am, Hans Blix?! I have a day job with tons of shit going on, Racket, and a mothafucking life. To make sure I don’t miss any open bars, a planner with both daily and weekly tabs wouldn’t hurt. And, it turns out you can digitalize this is with the Evernote productivity app, which is pretty cool, too.
Sonos Play:5 – $399
I suppose this marks a point in my life where I go from a shit stain on the corporate welcome mat to a fully bourgeois consumer, but that’s how it goes. $400 for a single speaker that just sits there may sound pricey, but after I snagged a Play:3 on clearance a few months ago, I haven’t stopped thinking about getting the Play:5. While it’s a bit bigger than my Play:3, what I want is that damned aux cable input to bump Netflix.
Ayoade on Ayoade – $15
The man who portrayed an awkward IT professional (read: IT professional) apparently just interviews himself a bunch of times and turned it into a book. That sounds like it could be funny as hell.
Lego – Creative Suitcase – $59.99
Look, I just want to play with some legos. As I saw the intense series that Lego’s running (Marvel, The Hobbit, Lego Movie, some weird purple things, etc), I missed the safety and calm of the Shell Station I had back in the 80’s. This bad boy has 1,000 pieces, including some wheels and random parts that truly rely on your imagination. I mean, if you got me some the Hero Factory ones, I wouldn’t be upset.
Star Trek The Next Generation Hoodie – $59.99
Started watching Star Trek: Voyager just to have some background noise on while I studied, but got hooked. Again. Now that I got myself a shiny new master’s degree, I just want to finish it up so I can get back into the remastered Star Trek:TNG episodes. GAH! DAMMIT, JANEWAY, GET HOME ALREADY!!! I’ll take a red one, please. Why? BECAUSE I’M A BOSS.
Dubs Earplugs – $25
Years of metal and punk shows have left my ears broken and battered. If they looked like a person, it would be Keith Richards. I try to help mediate any further damage through those shitty little foam things, but we all know they suck. Bad. Dubs are designed (with help from a dude who used to work at Sonos) to help reduce the frequencies that can REALLY jack you up while still letting you enjoy your jams. Plus, this turquoise is a pretty neat color.
Klingon Blood Wine – $19.99
Apparently Klingon Blood Wine was made of Malbec, Syrah, & Petit Verdot. I don’t know what the crap Petit Verdot is, and but I want to try this because I AM A WARRIOR.
Calvin and Hobbes Complete Collection – $99.99
Why wouldn’t you want the best gifts? Calvin and Hobbes are the best. Therefore, I want Calvin and Hobbes as a gift.