- Illustration by Josh Sullivan – joshcomics.com
Feb 14th is Valentine’s Day, or as it’s known by sexual meteorologists, “The Hottest Day of the Year”. For those with a bold spirit it can be the perfect opportunity to swoop in and win over the heart and pants of that sexy special someone with only marginal credit card debt and a dash of charm. Sure, some jaded souls may say Valentine’s is just a holiday made up by corporate America to sell cards, but for those who want to avoid the wrath of a lover expecting to be showered with gifts, it is very real blackmail. Going into it guided only by your heart, unarmed with a game plan can be dangerous. How can you stand out from the droves of admirers and convince a skeptical mate that you are the sexual stud they are destined to be with? Racket is here to help.
Valentine’s is a time to make those you love feel appreciated and special, by giving them generic gifts like everyone else. Nothing makes a girl feel like a lady more than the heady glamor of experiencing a glimpse of the life of a high-priced hooker for a day. With so much pressure, the whole experience of the holiday can seem a bit overwhelming. Here is our handy guide to help you find something to stand out and make a statement, without going too far.
A Gift in Good Taste
A night at a romantic restaurant or a sexy gourmet dinner for two prepared by you wins points but getting reservations and having to deal with all those dishes in the morning can be a hassle. A cozy picnic can be nice, but there is always concern about roving packs of wolves, and public decency laws. Still, everyone knows the stomach is the quickest way to the heart. For you ladies, why not enchant your man with a stack of raw t-bone steaks?
Racket’s Choice: Chocolates in a box with a red bow is all well and good, but if you’re going to make your girl waste an entire spin class, you might as well go for broke. Three words: Giant gummy bear.
The Sexy Gift
I know what you’re thinking- Bulk buy condoms. After all, nothing says “commitment” like 3lbs of Trojans. But if you don’t want to put too much pressure on your lover or make them feel inadequate for not having genitalia that are naturally fruit flavored, you might want to consider substituting with a traditional gift set of aromatic sensual massage oils or perhaps a tasteful negligee. While it may seem more personal and thoughtful, it may be best to reconsider giving them that DVD you made from covertly taken video surveillance footage of them sleeping, even if it’s set to their favorite song.
Racket’s choice: A commissioned full-size nude portrait of yourself holding a strategic can of Vienna sausages.
Thrill and Adventure
Whisking your woman off on a romantic getaway can be just the ticket to ignite the spark in a relationship. Will it be a trip to Europe? A charming bed and breakfast? An exotic backpacking adventure? A cruise? One thing is certain, whichever road you choose, they all eventually lead to her pants.
Racket’s Choice: Rent a bounce house. Have sex in it.
The Personal Touch
The handmade valentine is always a classic, your partner will love the sentiment and the time and effort you put into it. Just remember though, homemade isn’t always a golden ticket, chances are reactions will be less enthusiastic toward say, macaroni art fashioned into the likeness of your beloved. Home crafts can easily go too far. On paper it may seem sweet to combine the cutesy appeal of a personalized printed t-shirt and a plaster-cast hand-print keepsake by creating your own custom molded sex toy with your face on it, but in real life it is terrifying.
Racket’s Choice: Avoid hot glue gun injuries with these unique but charming Valentine cards from Nedroid. Is it a bear, is it a potato? It’s a Beartato.
No matter what you choose to go with, we here at Racket wish you all a sexy Valentine’s Day!
-Laura Gaddy