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ucp29-001-mf_medium.jpgThis is one of many interviews I just found after believing them to be lost forever- I had assumed that my tape recorder had freaked out and deleted them all. Apparently I had put them on a flash drive which, until last week, was lost in the abyss of the Racket office. Bust! This interview was conducted just before Katy Perry’s album One of the Boys was just about to be released, and I suck at not getting this to you, our illustrious readers, earlier (nor to Katy’s really hot publicist). But, it’s still good; I don’t think the five second rule applies to interviews. Here goes.

The Emperor!: So, when you’re doing all the promotions and radio shit, do you ever get tired of hearing your own music?
Katy Perry: No, not at this stage, not at all. I’ve been making this album for five years, and every other year I was told it was going to come out, so I’ve been disappointed. I’m glad that everything worked out for a reason, and I’m ready for my shot. It’s like the kid in little league who’s been waiting on the fucking bench and finally has his chance to bat. You know, dude breaks his leg and it’s your chance to bat. I’ve been practicing, and I’m ready. I’m so ready to go and I’m so happy, you know?

TE!: Fuck that kid who broke his leg.
KP: FUCK THAT KID!

TE!: What do you do with yourself when not doing music?
KP: I like to do all kinds of things. I’m one of those girls who, if I’m in the middle of nowhere, I’ll flip a coin to see if we’re going to Vegas. If we’re in the middle of butt-crack America, and the funnest thing to do is go cow-tipping, I’m going cow-tipping. I like to do anything that’s going to get a good laugh and get a good laugh out of people.
TE!: I’m not too sure I’ve ever touched a cow, let alone tipped one over.
KP: I haven’t either, I can’t wait for the day.

[Editor’s note: I have yet to have someone prove to me that this actually exists. Keep in mind that my mother grew up on a dairy farm in the Midwest. We know about cows. – Cait]

TE!: I’ve seen you wear some ridiculous shoes, what are your most comfortable pair?
KP: My most comfortable pair of shoes?
TE!: Yup.
KP: My Amy Winehouse satin pink slippers. I understand why she wears them all the time, now.

TE!: Interesting. Have you ever gotten make up tips from a dude?
KP: Oh, sure.
TE!: Was it Pete Wentz?
KP: I think I’ve gotten more maintenance/plucking tips for my eyebrows. Or like, “This is the best Chapstick or lipstick to wear”. If I ever needed Chapstick, or something to moisturize my lips, I definitely had a boyfriend who had to have it on him at all times.

TE!: That’s kind of awkward.
KP: I’m actually into the metrosexuals, which is why I continue to date them and am left heart broken.

TE!: My ex had a bunch of girly make up and body things, and she had this Burt’s Bees lemon scented cuticle cream…
KP: YES!

TE!: Well, it smelled amazing…
KP: There’s nothing wrong with that!

TE!: I’m not saying there is, what was wrong with it is that I thought maybe it tasted as delicious as it smelled… [Editor’s note: Boys are stupid…]
KP: That’s the number one rule of thumb: the vanilla bean lotion does not taste like vanilla beans.

TE!: I didn’t know that, but I know now that the Burt’s Bees lemon cuticle cream does NOT taste like lemons. It actually tastes like ear wax.
KP: No, it doesn’t taste like lemons, but do you know what does?

TE!: Lemons?
KP: The Bonne Bell LipSmackers. They all taste like they are labeled.

TE!: Yea, they had that Dr. Pepper one. Enticing.
KP: Exactly! Except I’ll eat that! I’ll like it.

TE!: That and the French Vanilla one lead to plenty of make outs. Going back to your metrosexual boyfriends, is that what you look for in a guy?
KP: What I look for in a guy is a really great sense of humor, someone who’s not afraid to be himself. And if they can sing or play music or write a song… if they write a song about me, it’s so happening.

TE!: What if they write an article about you?
KP: Then you can have me forever.

TE!: Awesome. Done and done.
KP: Done and done! Just someone who’s poetic. I miss chivalry and I want a boy to open my door and not feel bad for making him do it.

TE!: I can do that. Easy. I rule at opening doors.
KP: I was in the South, and it was so strange, these guys would stand up every time I left the table and every time I came back. I was like, “What are you doing?” It was really cute; it was like a respect thing.

TE!: D’awww.
KP: I know, I was so happy

TE!: You should be.
KP: I am so happy!

TE!: I know, you said that already.
KP: I AM!

TE!: Favorite Adam Sandler movie?
KP: Happy Gilmore.

TE!: Fantastic choice. I also would have accepted Billy Madison.
KP: Waterboy. The farmer guy who just speaks nonsense? That was the most brilliant part. I laugh for days on that.

TE!: I still laugh on the Rob Schneider bit in Big Daddy when he was trying to say hippopotamus. “Hip. Hip Hop. Hip Hop Anonymous? You always give him the easy ones!” Brilliant. Have guys ever used you as a spy into the mind of girls?
KP: Oh, for sure, they do that all the time.

TE!: What are some common questions that they ask?
KP: Well, I try to tell them the honest-to-God truth, I’m a bit of a brutally honest person, and these guys don’t like to be pushed around. I don’t think some guys don’t have fucking emotions like girls do. They’re like, “She either really likes me or she doesn’t.” I’ve done some spying. If the girls are my friends, I won’t do it, but if the guy’s my friend and I don’t know her, then I’ll do it. I’m a pretty good Sherlock Holmes. I can definitely take someone’s name and figure out their life history. Just Google them with quotations.

TE!: I did that once for my own name, and the number one link was a dude who had been convicted of sex crimes. And I never got caught, so run my Driver’s license or social, not just the name.
KP: I’m sure it’s still you.

TE!: No, no, different middle name. No, I arrest people, I don’t get arrested.
KP: What?

TE!: Yea, that’s my day job, I arrest shoplifters.
KP: You do?!

ucp29-003-mf_medium.jpg TE!: Yea.
KP: Are you serious?

TE!: Yes… I’m very serious.
KP: That’s the most awesome job ever; it’s like being the hall monitor.

TE!: It’s getting paid to play cops and robbers. I get paid to walk around in my normal clothes and wait for people to steal.
KP: What’s the most ridiculous thing someone has ever stolen?

TE!: These frozen TGIFridays potato wedges.
KP: That’s awesoooome!

TE!: They stole some coconut shrimp too, and then tried to claim that they were homeless. And I was like “These are frozen, and that would mean you have no oven to cook these in.”
KP: Dude. Where are you going to find an oven under the freeway?

TE!: Yea, I’ve seen some pretty ridiculous stuff.
KP: I used to be a klepto.

TE!: Did you?
KP: When I was really young, then I got caught, and now I won’t steal a toothpick.

TE!: Yea, I got caught stealing a Hot Wheels thing when I was six, and my mom caught me and made me go back and apologize.
KP: And you never touched Hot Wheels again, you went straight to Barbie.

TE!: I mean, if you’re gonna call a Transformer a Barbie, then yes.
KP: Transformers are just the next level of Barbies. That’s what we’re all going to be in another life.

TE!: I really hope that happens. But, going back to the girl-spy question, why don’t girls have a steady of stock of magazines in their bathrooms?
KP: I think sometimes there is a stack, and sometimes there’s not. A) if a man reads Cosmo, he’ll know everything he needs to know about women for the rest of his life. B) if you are reading a magazine while using the restroom, the sanitation of the magazine is probably really bad.

TE!: Ugh, girl logic.
KP: Girls are trying to be sanitary.

TE!: Got it.
KP: But we have like potpourri and candles on our counters.

TE!: You know what, I’ve been to the dentist, I’ve read Cosmo; that magazine is ridiculous.
KP: It is kind of ridiculous.

TE!: It was like, “Ten Places He Wants You To Touch Him” and goes on about the back of the knees. What is that?! I don’t give a shit about the back of my knees!
KP: Maybe you just never been touched on the back of your knees.

TE!: Granted, that may be true.
KP: Granted, it IS true!

TE!: OK, OK, shut up, shut up. Where do your normal conversations take you?
KP: Hmm, what are you wearing right now, what are you taking off…

TE!: Interesting conversations…
KP: I dunno, you know?

TE!: I’m wearing pajamas.
KP: Pajamas with monkeys on them?

TE!: No… they’re just black, but I did get drunk and paint a bathroom with them once and I painted male genitals on them…
KP: Shut up!
TE!: Seriously, and I didn’t realize it, and I left the house in them to get the mail, and I was talking to my neighbor and she kept looking down and trying not to laugh and I didn’t realize that I had a dick on my PJs.
KP: That’s hilarious.
TE!: It was good times.
KP: Do you want to talk up the record?
TE!: Umm. I suppose. Between “I Kissed a Girl” and “Ur So Gay”, it seems like there’s a lot of homosexual tendencies in your song writing.
KP: That’s because I am gay- just kidding! It’s so ironic, I never imagined that when I was first coming out, my look would be that way. I’m happy, “I Kissed a Girl” is definitely about curiosity and the fact of the matter is, male or female, if Natalie Portman or Angelina Jolie came into the room and said to pucker up, we’d probably kiss.
[Emperor’s Note: Dur.]
TE!: Absolutely that would happen.
KP: Absolutely! There’s no denying the beauty of a woman, especially one of that strong gorgeousness.
TE!: Do your parents ever come to your shows and be all embarrassing in the back?
KP: No… my dad’s hilarious. My dad has tattoos all over him, but he has three of them that say Jesus. Both of my parents are traveling ministers.
TE!: Oh, that’s fun.
KP: Yes, totally. Terrible! They are very cool and they love me and I respect them. They’re excited that I’m not doing drugs and running around naked.
TE!: What kind of rock star are you, not doing drugs or running around naked?
KP: I’m a good one! I’m all about the music.
TE!: Uh huh.
KP: Trust me, come out, some shit’s gunna go down.

–Jonathan Yost