Emanuel. Another band I have never heard, but judging by the people who tell me “Oh my gawd, they rawk, and they’re so hawt!” I thought I would hate them with a fiery passion. Turns out, even after interviewing these guys on their supersweet tour bus that’s loaded to the brim with malt liquor energy drinks and fruit loops, I still haven’t heard them. It was a good interview with the entire band and cameos by random people in Protest the Hero and some guy named Steve. Here goes:
Racket Jonathan: (To Protest The Hero’s Tim): That’s some serious hair. My hair can only aspire to be the scene-fro. True or false: a band is terrible if they have any of the following words in their name: “ashes” “autumn,” “bleed,” “bleeding” “Hawthorne,” “pale,” “my love,” “I,” or if their name is a complete sentence.
Emanuel Matt (Two Ts, vocals, EM2T): Mostly.
Emanuel Mat (One T, guitar, EM1T): Unless your band started more than three years ago.
EM2T: From Autumn to Ashes is safe because they’ve been around long enough. They’re at the forefront of crappy band names.
RJ: Agreed!
Emanuel Anthony: They’re sort of the trendsetters.
RJ: OK, so they started the “shitty band name movement.” What’s your favorite movie involving animals?
Emanuel Brian: Milo and Otis.
EM2T: Jaws. I enjoyed Jaws quite a bit.
RJ: Has a waiter ever ignored you at Denny’s?
Emanuel Devin: Yea, definitely.
RJ: Why do you think that is?
ED: Because they’re miserable.
EM2T: Yea, they work in this 24 hour place…
RJ: Dude, they don’t work for 24 hours!
EM2T: No, but when I’m there, they’re dealing with the scum of the Earth.
RJ: So, you’re saying that you are the scum of the Earth?
EB: Yea, self-hater!
EM2T: I’m just there when the scum is, so they lump me in with the scum, but I’m not scum.
RJ: Wishful thinking. Have any of you had sex in the back of a moving vehicle?
EM2T: Yes.
EB: I had sex in the back of our van on the way home from a show.
ED: Me, too.
EA: I’ve also had sex with my girlfriend in the back of the van.
RJ: How does it feel to be part of the 9” high club?
EM2T: Feels great!
ED: It’s a very elite club.
RJ: Are you an OG?
EM2T: Oh, yea.
RJ: How do you think Rick Rubin got so fat if he won’t eat animal byproducts?
EM2T: That is unexplainable.
EA: I think he is a robot.
RJ: If Turbonegro rocks against ass, who do you think rocks for ass?
EM2T: Emanuel rocks for ass.
ED: Emanuel rocks for ass, yea.
RJ: You’re on the toilet taking a liquidy dump. You’re out of toilet paper, and the only two magazines you have in the bathroom are Nietzsche and Kierkegaard. Which do you use to cleanse your ass of fecal matter?
EM2T: That’s a question for Steve, you’re a big Nietzsche fan, aren’t you?
Random Steve: Yea, I’d have to go with Nietzsche, it’s reliable.
RJ: Say one positive thing about the Bush administration.
EM2T: It’s almost over.
ED: Dude’s funny.
RJ: Good for you. How do you eat Oreos?
EM2T: I fucking hate Oreos!
RJ: You hate Oreos? Are you some kind of commie?
Random Steve: That’s un-American.
EM2T: They’re too dry.
RJ: Dip them in fucking milk.
EM2T: I hate milk, too.
RJ: You are a communist! What constitutes breakfast for you? I usually drink beer, eat fishsticks and masturbate.
ED: Biscuits and gravy are the ultimate.
(Tim for Protest the Hero pulls out a box of Fruit Loops from nowhere!)
EM2T: Belgian Waffle.
RJ: Did you know that the Internet has juggalette porn? 
EM2T: ICP?
RJ: Yea, these bitches get clown make-up on, dress like bro-hoes and spray Faygo on their tits. All because two jackasses wear clown make-up, rub up on each other in their backyards, and fucking rap about soda!
EM2T: Wow.
EM1T: We actually started the Americans Against Juggalos. The AAJ foundation.
RJ: For some reason that reminds me of Guts. I was watching that shit the other day. Dude. The Agro-Crag.
EM2T: We talk about the ‘Crag all the time!
RJ: Really?
EM2T: Yea, any type of obstacle or mountain is referred to as the ‘Crag.
RJ: On a scale of 1-14, how racially prejudiced would you say you are?
Tim PTH: What? 14? Oh, wait, these guys!
ED: Yea, answer for us.
TPTH: Umm, 13? I’m a 14, and they hate minorities slightly less than I do. So they’re around 12-13.
EM2T: They have an Iranian in their band, too. Protest The Hero hates minorities, though.
RJ: Douchebags. Are you a closet snow fan?
EB: I’ve been known to licky boom boom down.
(At this point, someone started rapping Informer under their breath. No one claimed credit for it.)
RJ: Repeat after me: “Racket Magazine is the best magazine in the world, ever.”
EM2T: Racket Magazine is the best magazine in the world, ever.
RJ: Why, thank you!