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For reals.

As I sit here at a sports bar eating happy-hour nachos (the ENTIRE reason I am at a sports bar to study) and glancing up at screens showing UFC fights, motocross and… I’m not sure what the other screen’s showing, right now it’s a Geico commercial. I have a two-hour break at my day job to study for a class (which, I am obviously NOT doing right now) that I don’t really want to study for on top of working 11 hours today. While staring vacantly at the plethora of sports programming, I notice the plastering of corporate logos EVERYWHERE. The dirt bike helmet, the bloody blonde dude’s shorts, the “presented by Visa” commercial on some college sport; everything’s sponsored.

Visa, Monster Energy, Nike, Honda; all of these companies shell out shit tons of cash to people doing glorified bunny hops and punching each other. Hell, doesn’t Viagra have it’s own NASCAR hood? As I watched this I thought, “I should get some company to sponsor me while I spend the next 15 months in school.” So, here’s my offer:

I will offer sponsorship packages to the companies I like to help pay the fees that advanced degrees offer in exchange for repping their gear, including mentioning it during class, putting stickers on my car and first dibs on hiring me for their public relations teams. I’ll take cash and/or product donations in my quest to show that these companies not only support expanding athletic talents, but intellectual ones, as well. You give me money and/or stuff, I stay above a 3.7 GPA (currently at a 4.0). Ideally, I’d like to get the following companies involved:

Subaru, meet Gozer and Turbo.

Subaru: I have a Nissan Sentra right now, and it’s solid, but I call it Daryl. Now, Daryl is very sensible and very reliable, but he’s not the guy you call to pick up chicks. That’s the GTR, which I’ve named Trent. I loved having an Outback until some insurance-less Jersey Shore reject douchebag rear-ended me before skipping town, along with his Elvis-impersonating father (I’m not making this up). When a teacher mentions that I’ve had perfect attendance, I can reply with “Well, it’s not hard to be reliable with such a reliable car. Subaru’s all-wheel drive system helps me get here with style.” Also, I have two awesome dogs now, so I would help represent their dog-owning niche.

Monster: I’ve had so many of their “Import” and Dub-Edition “Baller’s Blend” since I started my program that I should be dead. I’ve barely started and still have a while to go. I’ll never almost-fall asleep in class again should they find it in their hearts (and wallets/shipping centers) to help me out.

Dr. Pepper: “I like to think that I am worthy of a soda with a doctorate while I get my MA.” I would, however, like to think that “Mr. Pibb” has gotten an MBA.

Penguin clothing: I go to school right after work, and am most definitely the only person that has shown up dressed up and am often told “I like your bowtie” and “That’s a nice hat.” If Penguin hooks it up, I can say dumb shit like “Why thank you! You, too, can have this fresh style by heading to your local Penguin shop.”

Canon: Imagine this: “Jonathan, the pictures you had in your presentation were AMAZING!” “Thanks, Prof, they were taken with the Canon 5DmkII with an amazing Canon 24-70 2.8L lens.” “YOU GET AN A+!!!” CAN YOU IMAGINE!?!

Mead: I could REALLY use a Trapper Keeper. Do y’all still make those? Don’t give me no Lisa Frank one. It better have a dragon or a wizard or something awesome. Cute puppies are also acceptable.

Pilot Pens: I already speak exceptionally highly of my G2 pens. Too highly, probably, as they are constantly going missing.

Panera Bread: You’re right up the street from my school, I’ll make sure to sit in the front of the class and bring a delicious Thai Chopped Chicken Salad or Chipotle Chicken Panini, making sure everyone can see (and smell) me open that delicious dinner each time.

Capital One: You guys have a lot of money and a decent sense of humor. I have little money and a sense of humor. I’ll invite Alec Baldwin and/or the Vikings to my graduation, just think of the viral videos that could be made there!

Target: You guys seem like you like smart people, what do you say? I shop in your store all the time, as it is.

Oprah: That chick always has the best stuff to give away.

Special thanks to Kingston Digital for hooking me up with an SSD hard drive that allows my papers to be safe and secure. They obviously care about education. And downloading (legal) movies in hi-res.

Now, while I would say that’s my dream team, I’m definitely open to other inquiries. Please excuse me, I need another Dr. Pepper refill…