How to not suck as a human being may seem like common sense to most. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there running around sucking. Here’s a brief guide on how to keep your sucking potential to a minimum.
Keep Your Head in the Game.
- Head’s up, Asshole! If you tell someone you’re going to do something, do it. Get to where you’re going on time, and quit acting like the world is against you. Hammer down and get something done with your life, you loser.
Don’t Be a Social Idiot.
- Don’t name drop. Don’t intentionally speak loudly so those around you will hear and hopefully be impressed. They won’t, and everyone will punch your face.
Don’t Be a Dickfart Music Snob.
- Just because you found an import single with the B-side you can only get in Taiwan on a Thursday from some band that you only like because no one outside of northern Poland has ever heard of them does not make you sexually attractive.
Look, my favorite bands come from Scandinavia and/or Norway and England. This is because I like them. They could have come from Burbank and been played on KIIS FM 20 times a day. It doesn’t matter. Listen to what you like because you like it because you think it’s good no matter what the end.
Don’t Be Jonathan Yost.
- Because he doesn’t pay me to write this garbage and I’m broke.
Don’t Be a Republican Douche-Bag.
- You stuck up prick. See, Republicans are unlike other political parties in that they adhere like Hepatitis to Mexico to the first idea they were taught, regardless of what “facts” or “circumstance” may dictate. There’s nothing worse than someone with a complete disregard for alternate ideas, and nothing epitomizes this more than a lock-step conservative.
Don’t Be a Liberal Douche-Bag.
- Because you are worse than a Republican Douche-Bag. See, Republicans and Democrat’s true difference is that where Republicans believe only the first thing they were taught, Democrats believe only the second thing they were taught. Just because it’s not Fox News doesn’t make it true, you’re not going to start a revolution, and your “Not My President!” shirt only makes me think you’re a Canadian. If you take anything as doctrine without critically analyzing its opposite, you are worse than Darth Vader. So do like me, and register to vote as a Jedi. Long Live the Republic.
Listen to Turbonegro.
- Because they are the best rock band alive.
Don’t go to one of those bars that has 50 beers on tap and order a Coors Light.
- It’s called Belhaven. There’s also Boddingtons, and the blood of Christ itself, Guinness. Quit drinking sucky beer.
Don’t Wear Muscle Shirts.
- ESPECIALLY if you do happen to have the muscles to pull it off.
Sumo Wrestle.
No Goatees.
- Goatees are 4-sided dick-ticklers that make you look like a jerk.
EXCEPTIONS:
Long moustache and chin hair, to increase “Pirate-ness”. Always awesome.
Matt Corbett.
Don’t be Matt Corbett.
No Open-Mic Night Elliott Smith Covers.
- No matter how talented you are, you will completely annihilate “2:45am”. If you attempt “Needle in the Hay”, I will brain you with a broken pint glass, go straight home, eat some ramen, and sleep like a baby. Not even your parents will miss you.
Watch “Attack of the Ninja Zombies 3”. My movie. Myspace.com/attackoftheninjazombies3.
Ask me for one, and it’s free.
Don’t whore out your lame crap on Myspace.
- Whatever.
Andy Warhol Sucks
- He may have had a good philosophy, but that is not what he is known for. He is known for taking multi-colored pictures of soup cans. Real edgy. The day he got shot was the same day Mickey Mouse started to smile. True story.
Skateboard While Drunk Often; Preferably in the Rain.
- The resulting complications will make your friends laugh, and this is a good thing.
Heroes are Great, But You are Not Your Heroes.
- ‘Nuff said.
Hopefully this article will alleviate some of the sucking I see on a day to day basis. We’re all guilty of at least one thing on this list; I’m guilty of four or five. Whatever. As long as you don’t have a goatee or a muscle shirt, be who you are and listen to Turbonegro. You should be fine.
Michael Gunther
mike@racketmag.com