What We Do Is Secret
PeaceArch Films
8.5/10 

 Let’s start with I did not want to see this movie. Eff Shane West as the new Darby Crash for one reason: fake glass. 2006 Warped Tour. So stoked to see that the Germs were playing. Booked out of some interviews to utilize my fancy pants press pass to get a solid view from the photo pit. Racket Mike was up first, and he comes back after a song and a half, tells me to put out my hand, which I do. I then see him shove a broken piece of glass into my hand, which immediately falls apart. What the hell? Stage glass. Fucker tried to imitate a man who would cut himself on stage by hitting himself in the head with a fake beer bottle. Digression!

All this made me froth at the mouth at the mention of Shane West and the bastard offspring of The Germs. So when a lovely young lass from another magazine (conspirator, I know) asks you to go see the jerk wad in a movie about one of the bands that made me who I am today, you go. Equal parts attractive and rad. The lady, not the movie. The flick, and it pains me to say this, is fucking solid. I wanted to hate it, I wanted to come out of the theatre vindicated and kicking and cursing Pat Smear for having anything to do with this blasphemy. But, it’s probably one of the best biopics I’ve ever seen.

Rick Gonzalez (dude from Biker Boyz and Old School) is fantastic at showing how boring a guitarist Pat Smear is to watch, Bijou Phillips was smokin’ as Lorna Doom and Noah Segan (Days of Our Lives?!) makes me want to punch Don Bolles…or maybe give him a hug. One of the two.  The soundtrack made me dig up some oldies but goodies,  fucking Germs, David Bowie, X and the Weirdos are all making me want to shun my apathy and break something.And finally: Shane Fuck West. I thought he did a bang up job.  I really did. Darby Crash was a very smart dude who knew exactly how to fuck with people. West portrayed that with the utmost realism. And I hate that I fucking loved this flick. Goddammit

-Jonathan “The Emperor” Yost 

Lagwagon
I Think My Older Brother Used to Listen to Lagwagon
Fat Wreck
7.00/10.00

So Lagwagon released a new album. A bit of a preface here, I have never really cared for Lagwagon. They have that similar sound, you know? That usual ‘Fat Wreck’ sound, a sound that Fat Wreck has dealt with criticism in the past.

I don’t dislike that Fat Wreck sound, honestly, and it isn’t even a bad thing, not whatsoever. But something about Lagwagon has always struck me as, well…just kind of bland. And not bland as in untalented, but bland as in by the time I discovered Lagwagon, I’d already heard what they were playing a hundred times over.

So with the release of Lagwagon’s new EP, I Think My Older Brother Used To Listen To Lagwagon, I thought, well…it’s a Lagwagon record I’m not going to care about. I really respect and like Joey Cape though. I do. The guy is charismatic, seems genuine, sincere and is obviously very talented. All of Lagwagon are talented musicians.

And with I Think My Older Brother… they really show their diversity. The EP starts out a bit slow, with “B Side”. It wasn’t necessarily bad, but it had the same trappings of a Lagwagon song. What was really cool though, is the several time-changes in the beginning. “No Little Pill” never really picks up (even though it’s well written lyrically) but just kind of bland. “Errands” is feels almost forced in the intro, but theres a guitar solo in this song that is amazing. But by the time it comes back to the original tempo the song never achieves what it has the potential for.

But after the first three songs, which felt a bit…middle of the road, Lagwagon comes strong and they come correct. “Memoirs and Landmines” is so fucking catchy, it should be illegal. Heroin isn’t even this addictive. “Fallen” offers a major deviation from every track prior, and fully embodies the depth of musical capabilities each one of the respective members of Lagwagon. It compliments Capes vocals perfectly. “Live it Down” strikes me as something that could have been on Bad Astronaut (from the last album), but by God, that is not a bad thing whatsoever. When the tempo picks up, it hits the mark dead on and the passion heard in Capes voice is so believable, I found myself pausing the CD momentarily to let it all soak in.

The album closes out with “Mission Unaccomplished.” The track is tight, and versatile. It’s a perfect closer.

In conclusion, “I Think My Older Brother…” is the first output from Lagwagon I ever felt I could connect with. The lyrics are great, and each song is well written (both lyrically and musically). It starts off a bit slow, and at time it truly does feel somewhat lackluster, but right around the fourth track something clicks. When the gears start turning the machine becomes unstoppable, and you feel yourself not wanting it to ever end. For a band nearly twenty years in, it’s surprising that even with the obstacles they’ve faced, and the success of their side-projects, it wouldn’t be a far stretch to assume that their hearts would no longer be in it. But, rest assured this is a band that still feels passionate about what they do. Give it a chance.

-Aaron Hale

This is what happens when The Emperor heads down to an interview of an artist I’ve never heard, with no questions, and no real concern for the subject’s thoughts or feelings. In the alley behind the Glasshouse, I opened Dan of PlayRadioPlay’s eyes to the joys of dumpster diving and we discussed a mutual love of $2 Sammies and a mutual ignorance of sperm donation standards.

The Emperor!: What bodily fluid can you just not stand?
PlayRadioPlay Dan: I think I’m down for all bodily fluids.
TE!: Really?
PRPD: I love them all, yea. I don’t discriminate. I’m trying to think of what, but snot and pee, it’s like whatever.
TE!: But puke’s gross! If I got pee on me, I’d be like, whatever, but if someone puked on me…
PRPD: Puke is worse than feces.
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Now, I know that this is boring, but the very attractive ladies at Capitol asked me to do this, and I have no shame doing things for pretty girls. This is what happens when you do an email interview with a guy who comes off as thinking he’s better than you.

The Emperor: How do you pronounce your name- spell it out for me phonetically.
Ferras: Fur-oss.

The Emperor: What movie quote do you overuse?
Ferras: I’m not that lame.

The Emperor: Using movie quotes is NOT LAME! Has any of your friends told you that they hated your tunes?
Ferras:In a nicer way… Sometimes a friend will be like, well, I like _______ (A different one of my songs) better. I know that means their perception is that it’s rubbish.

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Nerf Herder is an amazing entity, that’s right, entity. It’s more than a band, it’s a political powerhouse, a multi-national economy, and…well, a decent pick up line, it turns out. Well, here’s what happens when a weird excuse for a journalist meets with a weird excuse for a band.

The Emperor!: Well, shit. I have two pages of questions here, I’m trying to figure out where to start.
Nerf Herder Perry: Want me to pick one?

TE! No, no, I got this. Who would you rather bang, Chyna or Xena?
Nerf Herder Charlie: Xena.
NHP: Chyna has a nice condo. Did you see her on that Cribs episode?

TE!: That One Night in Chyna thing? I don’t think that was a Cribs episode, hombre.
NHP: Was it filmed in her condo? It was a nice condo, those wrestlers must get paid a lot of money.

TE!: Have you ever seen a fan and were like, she’s kind of hot, and when they turn around, you realize it’s a dude?
NHC: Not one of our fans.
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Ahhhhh, Comic Con, how I missed you. And how I both love you and loathe you. My first Comic Con was but five years ago, helping my buddy Josh Sullivan out in Artist’s Alley. It was a glorious time, filled with hope and wonder, but not so many people. Artist’s Alley was almost a ghost town, with Josh’s booth damn near the back, 30 feet from the nearest booth. What a topsy turvy world I entered on the first day of Comic Con! What was once a ghost town of starving artists was now a mecca of artists and illustrators from the big names like Marvel and DC, and what I refer to as the little big names like IDW, Top Cow, Slave Labor and more. What it didn’t have as much, were the assholes working three jobs so they can afford to go to Comic Con so that they could sell some comics, doodle in people’s nerdy little autograph/sketch books. Now we have artists charging $150 for a fucking sketch. Now, I understand that there are people out there that may very well pay that shit…I am NOT one of them, and I am pretty sure none of our esteemed readers are, either. If you’re selling books, prints, posters and tons more, there’s no need to charge that much for 2 minutes of your time.

Comic Con has changed. And not for the better. Comic Con International is a non-profit organization dedicated to spreading the art of comics, comic books, graphic novels and the like. I love the MythBusters, I really do, but there was no reason for them to be there to sign autographs. None. Not at all. Erik Estrada, in all his Ponch-y glory, had no business being there. Street Fighter 4 video game? Nope. Ghostbusters game? Nuh uh. With all this crap clogging up the lanes, The Racket crew, which consisted of Patrick, Caitlin (AKA The Hotness), The Good Reverend Rex Worth and your humble (and awesome) Emperor decided to check out the independent press/illustrator/artist area. So glad we did. Just as Coachella was too big to go at it in full paragraphs, here is but a schimdgeon of what we did during our four days at Comic Con.
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The Dark Knight
Warner Bros. Pictures
9.8/10

Well, shit. I went into this thinking it was gunna be a solid flick, I did not know I would end up impregnating my jeans. You know what, that’s it. That’s the fucking review. If you haven’t seen it, go now.  -The Emperor 

I Want To Be Your Joey Ramone
Stephanie Kuehnert
MTV Books
8/10

If the author is anything like lead character Emily Black: dibs on Kuehnert. Dibs so bad. Basically, Kuehnert makes me feel like a pervert for a few chapters by writing about some hot punk chick fucking punk band members because she wants to feel the raw energy she felt in the crowd, but, you know, between her legs. Then she starts a band with her friend and her friend’s soon-to-be boyfriend. Somehow they become huge. Tours, stadiums, and fucking lesser band frontman with a rip off of the Sid Vicious moniker of Johnny Threat.

Oh, yea, and her mom left her when she was younger because she killed a rapist, blah blah blah. Her dad is supportive, though he doesn’t see his daughter as ultra-mega slut. Relationship issues make her bounce, stereotypical drug use blah blah blah. Breakdown on stage, blah blah blah. Big emotional ending and huzzah! The ending is open but hopeful. This book could be any real band’s Behind the Music, but Kuehnert creates some realistic characters that drag you down past reading it on the shitter. Congrats, Steph, you got me to read a whole fucking book for once. Solid writing, Ms. Lady. You come to SoCal, look me up.

-The Emperor!

For our first interview with GWAR, we were on the phone, safe from the clutches of Oderus’ slimy fingers. It’s a whole new world sitting right next to him, scared that you may start to look like a blue whale. Or Jim Henson. Watch what happens when you suck up the fear and go balls to the wall with Muppet fucking your first topic.

The Emperor! - So let’s start off with the hard hitting questions: which Muppet would you most like to fuck?
Oderus Urungus - I don’t FUCK Muppets. I FUCK animals, and I don’t fuck anything I rape ‘em. So don’t fucking ask me any more questions about any fucking stupid Muppets. Cause people call me a fucking Muppet sometimes, I’m an animal rapist, I’m not a lover, I’m a rapist, I’m not a lover. But if I had to fuck…a Muppet, I’d fuck…Jim. Jimmy Jim. (Humping noise in background) Jim Henson, the faggot Muppet master. Cause I heard he’s a fucking fag, that FUCKING HOMO! I’d rape his ass, but it wouldn’t be rape with him he’d be like “Oh, Oderus, fuck me in my big fucking blow-hole yarn-surrounded ass.” That’s how he got AIDS. AIDS infested yarn fell off his Muppet making bench into his gaping asshole that he’s shoving poached eggs into. NEXT QUESTION~!
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Damiera
Quiet Mouth Loud Hands
Equal Vision Records
6/10

Well, I’m used to either complete crap, or tunes that kick my ass. So, when I get middle of the road, I don’t-really-care-one-way-or-the-other albums, I don’t really know what to say. I have no strong feelings one way or the other, There’s times when my ears perk up a bit as they get what sounds like a long-lost At The Drive In riff, but go limp RacketAaron’s dick when they hear some weird and spastic garbage. Umm, you know what, I’m not going to tell you not to listen to this. Go and try to figure it out on your own.

-Jonathan Yost