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The Doll UndergroundThe Doll Underground
Vivid Alt
8/10

Well, I have to admit, reviewing a porno, or is it “alt-porno?,” is far more difficult than I thought it would be, and for several reasons. One, I didn’t know porn movies were more than 15 minutes long. I always thought they were to be used as sleep aids, with the end result taking place shortly after the process starts. Two, ummm, watching people do it for an extended period of time, and fully clothed, is well, awkward. Don’t get me wrong, Eon McKai (NOT Ian MacKaye of Fugazi/Minor Threat fame!) picked some effing hot chicks for this bang-a-rama, but it’s two hours long. Apparently “alt-porn” means it has the kinds of chicks I see at shows that are way too hot to talk to. The lead “character” is Dorn Adorn (wtf?,) played by the exceptionally hot Pixie Pearl, she leads this here Doll Underground.

Apparently, and this is attributed more to what I learned on the cover that in the flick itself, Ms. Adorn is leading some hot chicks to rise up from their oppressive “owners” and…fuck, I dunno, bang some dudes or each other to teach them a lesson? I’m not really sure how much of the alleged plot is actually delved into, other than this weird, reverb-heavy dispatches from Adorn that tells the women to rise up against their cookie cutter houses. Also, it’s weird to see the T-Mobile Sidekick make an appearance. Littered with bizarre 60’s stock footage and grainy images, the DVD shines through with more uber-hot chicks. This Lexi Bell chick is smoking hot. Pale skin, tattoos, and short, pitch black hair makes this thing perfectly suited to my likings. This is not the same porn that I remember first seeing: bad haircuts (both upper and lower,) hairy dudes, bad camera work and has a slightly better plot than the pizza delivery guy showing up at the horny middle-aged woman’s house.

Pizza Guy: Did someone order a cheese pizza?
Pseudo-milf: But I ordered a sausage!
Pizza Guy: Oh, I got a sausage for you! (Enter wah guitar and sick bassline.)

Another difference: DVDs! And with that comes special features. A whole other disc of them. Some random set shots and a useful silkscreening tutorial are pretty sweet. There’s also a commentary if you are into that. Added bonus: a CD of the soundtrack that is far less wah-wah and far more electronic ambience that would give Thom Yorke a stiffy for days.

Mom, if you’re reading this, I made it all up, just like a majority of my highschool book reports and that “fake” story of how I used to ditch school. I love you, don’t hit me.

Jonathan “The Emperor” Yost (loves his mom)