The most jaw-dropping news of the week concerns Miley Cyrus. Apparently, someone likes her enough to stalk her. I am just completely perplexed by this. Someone can actually enjoy listening to her voice that much? Her stalker, 53 year-old Mark McLeod was arrested at his home in Georgia…oh that explains it. I guess his cousin already got married.

Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan are hanging out again. There goes Britney’s undies and Lindsay’s sobriety. It was nice knowing you.

Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt are back together. I guess they figured out that they need each other. One B-List star and one D-List star equal a C-List star, after all. Plus, research has shown that herpes is a possible cure to chylamidia. Now they definitely need each other.

Drew Barrymore and Justin Long are also back together. Again. They make me sick. Eventually he’ll wake up and see that I’m the girl for him. You gotta kiss a lot of uglies before you find your true love.

Paula Abdul quit American Idol. Guess her medication wore off and she just now realized that she adds absolutely nothing to the show. She is rumored to be joining Dancing With the Stars. Please, the woman can hardly walk, let’s not even talk about dancing.

Heidi Montag-Pratt-whatever she calls herself (personally I just stick with Ugly) has released her photos for Playboy. What a waste. She kept her fake boobs “tastefully” covered. Does she not realize that her body is the only thing going for her? Brain-less, personality-less, and beauty-less. Take off your damn clothes already!

-Cortney Long