I’ve been single for over two years now after 10 years with the same person, and the stories I have are probably better described as folklore… it’s all, umm, bullshit. The quality out here just…. isn’t.
Most women I’ve talked to have healed through trauma and are constantly working on becoming better versions of themselves. On top of that, modern women were raised to be completely independent as opposed to prior generations (raised to be our own daddies). Arguably due to the dating climate, some of the biggest trends you see on social media are single heterosexual women committing to celibacy while dating and drowning their urges in smutty books to fill the gap – me included (by the way, the first book of ACOTAR was not as spicy as I was counting on).
Despite women doing the work, most men still seem stuck…
You’re going to hate this, but let’s get started. How can you be less shitty at dating women, no matter what your dating goals are?
1. Stop hating women
This first one may be going too far. It may be way too much to ask. What does hating women less look like?
- Not being afraid of feminine things.
- Not needing to play into stereotypical gender roles.
- Not feeling undermined by strong women.
My favorite insult I’ve picked up from an ex of mine is “emasculating c*nt.” AND LET ME TELL YOU – if a woman makes you feel less masculine? Maybe you weren’t very masculine to begin with.
To be completely honest, nearly every guy I’ve dated in this two-year period has said something negative about women or the feminine. I don’t even think I’ll get into a whole story about this one… let me just list some of the comments.
- The guy who described shows geared towards women as “bitch shows.”
- The guy who was worried about wearing shorts to work out because it made him “feel feminine.”
- The guy who was shorter than me declaring he’s “bigger” than me.
- The guy who said if he had a son who was feminine that it would just “never happen” because his hypothetical son would be raised differently than a daughter – essentially a less emotionally available life surrounded by man-things.
- The guy who said wine is a woman’s drink.
- The guy who, after just expressing interest in me for the first time, asked me how I delivered my children.
- The guy who described a weekend away with his friends as “annoying” because his friends invited “girls” (women).
Hey guys! If you don’t like women, try dating men.
2. Don’t lie so much
Or better yet, be transparent.
I feel like men still believe they can get away with this, but I hope sooner or later you understand that everything will be known. It will come out.
I was casually seeing a guy one summer. A few months into dating him, he asked me if I was seeing anyone else. I told him I wasn’t but if he wanted to keep me around that he had to step it up, because I don’t do casual long-term – so, he stepped it up within the next few weeks and assured me I was also the only one he was seeing. Then I went out of town off and on for a few weeks.
Once I got back, the communication dropped off. We didn’t meet up for 2-3 weeks after I got back because he was so “busy.” When we met up, he gave me the impression he was using me – super affectionate and asking me for big favors. I ended up cutting things off.
A few months later, someone posted him in a popular local group on social media to get the tea on him. I commented on the post that I had dated him that summer – then ANOTHER WOMAN mentioned she dated him that summer too. It turns out we overlapped a bit, which lined up to the last week I was out of town and communication dropped. Predictable.
Surprise! She and I are still friends on social media rooting for each other (because women help women), and he still tried to meet up with me again months later.
Moral of the story is – don’t mess with women.
Other golden examples of lying:
- A guy telling me he’s turning 30 soon when he was turning 29 – like I wouldn’t find out on social media?
- A guy who would lie to me any time he felt insecure – I honestly should have ran, but I stupidly excused this as “working on himself” every time he admitted to lying.
Nonetheless, QUIT LYING. It’s not serving you. It’s not serving anyone. And why lie about details about yourself? If someone isn’t going to like you for something true about you, then you probably just shouldn’t be with them.
3. Seek SOME sort of connection
I’ve entered all sorts of dating connections with different intentions: casual, intentional, casual to intentional. But what I’ve realized in all of them is that you really do need to connect in some way.
There needs to be time spent and conversations had. If you’re not at ease with someone or find them attractive on a mental or emotional level, the excitement of the physical fades quickly. If there’s no sexual tension built, there’s nothing sexy about it. I said what I said.
There was one guy I entered a mutually agreed upon casual “thing” with. The first time we hooked up, OF COURSE IT WAS EXCITING. We’d known each other for years, it felt taboo (it kind of was taboo…). A few days later, he said he was going to come over and hang out. When he came over, he suddenly didn’t have time. He wanted to hit and leave. It was terrible and honestly felt like a giant waste of time. I need that Feyre and Rhysand level of sexual tension (The second book of the ACOTAR series. Please keep up).
After several months of hearing nothing from him aside from our typical communication, he tried to come over again. As I’m wrapping up this final draft… guess who reached out again super early this morning? Can I tell you how easy it was to turn him down? Too easy. I’m good. Move along.
4. Save the paragraphs
Swinging wayyyyyyyy over to the other direction: do not curate connection via texting.
I realize this might be an unpopular opinion, but if you depend on constant texting, you are seriously missing out on a key component of connecting with someone and you’re likely spending your energy on someone you might not even be into.
One of the first guys to show interest in me when I was newly single was a huge texter. We knew each other from a professional-type relationship. He would send me paragraphs upon paragraphs of texts all day every day. It may have been exciting at first, sure, I was getting attention (stupid, naïve Damara). He didn’t have a lot of free time, I didn’t have a lot of time, so I played along.
Finally, we were able to meet up, and he tried to kiss me right away – WHAT. We sat and talked for a bit, and I was feeling more at ease. When he tried to kiss me again, it was soooo bad and uncomfortable. Don’t do this. Anyone reading this, just don’t do it.
Nowadays, I legitimately tell men I don’t need to talk all the time. Constant communication is weird… don’t you have stuff to do?
5. Please, please, stop with the manipulation
Holy crap. I cannot list enough examples of this.
- The guy who wanted to be my errand boy in exchange for feet pictures – you gave me a choice. If I turn you down, please just stop telling me what a good deal it would be.
- The guy who called me at 3am for a booty call – calling me “beautiful” and telling me how much more comfortable you would be with me than at home isn’t going to help. I already said “no.”
- The guy who called himself my boyfriend then asked me to buy him a phone on my credit promising to pay me back monthly. Do people fall for this?
- The guy who, our first time hanging out, started telling me how I was going to meet his dog and how much time I was going to spend at his apartment complex’s pool – I thought we were hanging out as friends for the first time (joke was on me)… and you have our summer planned?
- Or even just love bombing, like the guy who literally told me I was soon going to have a ring on my finger (among other things), and then he was gone. *poof* disappeared.
Each of those 5 examples are different men. No repeats.
This is unstable.
If I wanted to be manipulated, I would just pick a guy and roll with it. Getting a man isn’t difficult, but finding a quality man is.
6. Do NOT introduce a vibe you cannot maintain
Do you text “Good Morning” every day? Don’t stop.
Nightly calls? You better at least check in if you’re busy.
Nice dates? Sweet, continue.
Random flowers? Beautiful. In fact, ramp it up.
You’re setting the bar for yourself when you do these things – but I hope you know everything I listed above is bare minimum for a woman you’re actually into. If you cannot maintain little things like that, just don’t date.
Above all, if you establish what you want out of dating someone and you suddenly switch up? Don’t be surprised when the woman leaves feeling whiplashed.
Early on into dating a guy, he was getting inconsistent, so I suggested we end things. He responded by telling me he isn’t good with communication in dating, but he really wants to be – because he wants to end up with someone like me and I “checked all his boxes.” He told me he wanted me to communicate with him with how I felt any time I felt unsure. WHOA – green flag, right? Wrong.
Because a month later, I tried opening up to him about how his inconsistency was making me feel during a period I was struggling with some major outside issues… so he told me he couldn’t give me what I deserve.
Whiplashed.
There’s a lot more to that dating story – I suspect he wasn’t being truthful – but then let’s reference number two again.
Concluding thoughts…
There are sooooo many other things I can list here, like:
7. Please don’t look for another Mommy. I don’t know how many times men ask me if I can cook… Barf. (I love to cook, but don’t make this an early talking point.)
8. Don’t neg a woman – if you call us trashy and expect us to sleep with you, please dismiss yourself.
9. If you’re trying to chat with us and we turn down your date offers and/or seem disinterested… Please don’t try again every few months. We’re not waking up one day to suddenly be like, “You know, I never really gave him a chance!”
10. Have a plan – I swear, if one more man asks me where I would like to go on a date, I might self-destruct.
Before this comment section blows up into accusing me of man-hating, let me tell you what some of these men were doing right and what you should do too:
- Let a woman do her background check on you. In fact, make sure she does – ugh, so hot.
- Be honest about your intentions – pleeeeeeaaaase. This is not weird.
- Work around her schedule – *swoon*.
- Encourage her hobbies and express interest in them – especially if she puts a lot of time into them.
- Be her safe space – women like to talk. Be confident enough in your own skin that her backstory won’t make you squirm. Then ask questions! Active listening is a valuable skill.
- The art of noticing – Such as cleaning up after you cook dinner together. Is her sink slow? Fix it! Does she love wine? Show up with a bottle.
If you didn’t finish this article feeling angry and attacked – perhaps you’re leaving with some slight introspection and reflection into your own dating stories – CONGRATULATIONS! You’re not emotionally stunted, and you may be almost ready to reach your dating goals after all.
Also, call me if you’re an attractive man and can pass my guidelines laid out above.