Mother’s Day got your girl’s biologic clock in a frenzy? Ready to knock her up? You gotta do that shit proper, man. Your future monster isn’t gonna want to hear how you knocked up his mom in the back seat of your Subaru outside Applebee’s, but you’re going to tell them about it anyways, aren’t you. You’re a bastard. If you gotta make a nice date out of the matter, we’re here to help. Here at Racket, we’re all about helping you get laid, and hopefully we’ll branch out to some hardcore republicans with encouraging you to, err, create a life. Just kidding. Please use birth control, I hear it makes Glenn Beck cry.
Roller Derby
“Well, little Timmy, with all the girls smashing the opponents into oblivion, we couldn’t wait to get home and have a little (2-minute) jam session by ourselves.”
See what I did there? Oh. You don’t? Go to the game, then you’ll know.
Well, whether you want to make a baby or not, the Angel City Derby Girls’ Hollywood Scarlett’s are gonna take on the Wasatch Roller Derby’s Midnight Terror on May 19th at 8:00 PM. No, I have no idea where Wasatch is, either. I assume they’re foreign or something.
The main event (well, and the mini-bout they are planning before the main event) will be held at the Culver City Veterans Memorial Auditorium, 4117 Overland Ave, Culver City, CA. Tickets are $14 for general seating, $25 for VIP (better view of the carnage.) Get tickets here: http://acdgmay2012-es2.eventbrite.com/?srnk=1
Bowling
“Her legs did a 7-10 split, if you know what I mean.”
Bowling’s the shit, and if the girl you’re seeing says otherwise, kick her to the curb. Not literally, that’s assault. Bowling is the great equalizer in the world of sports. The octogenarian league and the nineteen-year-old screamo kids who can’t get into a bar are both as equally adept to lay down some turkeys, which is probably also how the elderly refer to those shitbags in skinny jeans. I love bowling alleys. They offer a plethora of services under one roof.
You have the actual bowling alley, the snack bar, which somehow REALLY knows how to rock some solid french fries, the arcade (hopefully yours also has that sweet Jurassic Park game), and the bar. I mean, how great is our country where you can grab a pitcher and pound it while hucking 14 pounds of urethane down a lane? USA!
Anyways, bowling offers couple-y fun, or rage-inducing competition, both of which can lead to make outs and baby-making.
A trip to the Cabazon Dinosaurs.
“Turns out a creationist bought the place, so we created some sex.”
This is probably the cheapest fun there is to be had. Unless you stop by Casino Morongo and blow your would-be kid’s college fund on keno. You show up, take pictures of each other, cleverly making it look like the T. Rex is high-fiving you and grab some Burger King. It’s not a classy date, but it’s fun as fuck.
-Jonathan Yost