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Herald of CleanlinessBetween two cats (Junior and Bragnadarr The Trolleater) and two dogs (a beagle named Turbo and a husky named Gozer The Destructor), I deal with my share of pet hair everywhere. Most specifically, deeply embedded in my shitty, shitty carpet.

Because I’m an obsessive pet parent, I will now regale you with moderately detailed biographies of my furry compatriots, in order of who leaves the most DNA evidence around the house.

Gozer Enjoying the Mojave Desert.Number one offender: Gozer. I honestly don’t understand how he’s not bald. He sheds hair nearly constantly, but never has a bald spot. I don’t know if there are any unethical genetics specialists out there reading this, but you may want to look at husky DNA if you are looking for a cure for baldness. His white and red fur adorn every belonging I have, from the carpet, to behind the toilet, to even in my laptop bag. He’s a a fur-centric Johnny Appleseed.

I'm telling you, he's dumb.A close second is Bragnadarr the Trolleater. What this cat has in beauty, he lacks in brains. He is the dumbest cat I have ever met. Trust me, I LOVE this cat, even standing between a boxer intent on eating him and Bragnadarr. Of course, he repaid my bravery with bestowing upon my gut three awesome scars. An aspect of his stupidity that pertains to this, however, is his preference for being pet with feet rather than hands. While adorable, you are generally left with an orange and white shadow of where he was on the floor. Jackass.

Turbo is a little judgemental.Third on the list is Turbo. His fur comes out less frequently, but the exceptional thickness of each strand ensures that my previous vacuums clogged. And clogged. And clogged. I attribute his minimal shedding to the fact that he loves to sunbathe. In the dirt. All damned day. While not contributing as much fur to the rag that pretends to be our carpet, the dust, combined with his course hair, and the fur from the above mentioned fuzzballs, helps create this gross layer of gunk across the flooring.

Junior, the only innocent in this.Then there’s Junior. This grey goon is probably the only one who doesn’t add to the mess. Apparently shedding isn’t his style. Good work, Junior.

So, now that the scene is set, you can imagine how lesser cordless vacuum cleaners would fare against such a tempest. The Eureka lasted about a month. The Hoover? Nearly six. The only thing that wouldn’t clog was my little Shop Vac, which was not ideal. The suction kind of sucks, pun intended, but it doesn’t clog and it picks up just enough hair to make our house presentable. Enter the Bissell Pet Hair Eraser. Investing in a vacuum steam cleaner combo can also keep your carpets clean and looking new.

Like man being handed fire by Prometheus, I looked at the new vacuum with a mix of awe and worry. Worry that I would break it. Immediately. So, I took the Shop Vac to the living room first, to sort of ease the Bissell into its duties. The Pet Hair Eraser was having none of it. It pulled dirt and hair out of the carpet that was probably from the Jurassic Era. I had to empty the canister after about eight square feet. I removed it (by hitting one button), took the canister outside (an attempt to empty the Hoover canister indoors was a complete shit-show), and emptied it. Also with one button. But, without the plume of disgusting cloud of fur, dust, and probably mite carcasses.

It was beautiful in not only its simplicity, but in its efficiency. A few more canisters later, my carpet was cleaner than it ever was through the efforts of our previous dirt-suckers. And it wasn’t just the carpet. The arms/sides of the couch and chairs: clean as can be. Unfortunately, none of the pets were interested to see if the Bissell Pet Hair Eraser would double as a SuckCut, but I’m exceptionally pleased with this bad boy, anyway.

Note: I was supplied this bad boy from Bissell, but I guarantee that all curse-laden opinions are my own.