Insane Clown Posse Presents: A Family Underground DVD
Psychopathic Records
0/10

Who the fuck sent this to Racket? If you and I have a solid working relationship, I am sorry for what is about to occur. But, on the other hand, I think you sent this to me because you hate me.

This has got to be one of the worst things I have ever seen in my life- but in the amazing, now-you-feel-better-about-yourself kind of way. Thousands of people in face paint, white contacts and shitty flat-tops turned into braids prevailed at the 9th annual Gathering of the Juggalos. The Psychopathic Records logo is all over the damned place, but no place made me sadder than on the arm of a chubby British dude. He and his wife forked over their life savings to come to America to attend the Gathering (not say, their children’s college fund), though they lucked out and had a very romantic wedding led by non other than face-painted soda-rapper Violent J.

Highlights (lowlights?) included juggalos hitting each other over the head with a speed limit sign as hard as they could for no good reason, a montage of people tripping something fierce, and a dude telling his very pregnant girlfriend he was going only to have her respond in tears… because she couldn’t go.

Almost as popular as Insane Clown Posse, was Faygo, the soda with one of the worst possible names to have around malicious school-aged children. There was juggalette Faygo wrestling (it was NOT as good as I had hoped. Chubby chicks choking each other is not so sexy), Faygo squirt guns, and even a triumphant Faygo montage of ICP’s hype-clowns spraying down the crowd.

The acts included actually legit rap artist Ice-T, lisping Psychopathic artist Any Body Killer, handkerchief mafiaosos The Rydas, and of course, the Insane Clown Posse. I will apologize to my friends, loved ones and God right now: I used to listen to Insane Clown Posse in 9th grade. Then again I was a little douchebag in 9th grade. I have reformed, and now understand the gravity of my errors.

The juggalos were out in full force, yelling “Whoop whoop,” throwing up “Wicked Clown” gang signs and drinking shitty beer. I don’t think I saw anything higher up the beer scale than a King Cobra 40 being consumed by One Hit Wonder Afro-Man. Some choice quotes from juggalos throughout the film:

“I’m crazy, take your panties off and throw them at me.”
“We’re laying it down clown style, fuck your face, fuck your mom.”
“I want that autograph so bad and shit.”

So, between the metal midget, his retarded henchman brother, and the golf cart jumping a pile of dirt into a juggalo’s car and juggalo jail, I can guarantee that I never want to go to the Gathering of the Juggalos. Except for one of the state troopers- Officer Nice- they interviewed was hot. We did end up changing my dumb cat’s name for the night from Bragnadarr the Troll Eater, to something that showed a bit more “clown love”: Tubbee 2 Short.

–Jonathan Yost, with additional mockery/excitement by Brandon Kelley.