After having to deal with one of the self-serious assholes from Hawthorne Heights, I was expecting whatever random member of New Found Glory that Geffen decided to spring on us was going to be a shants/Hurley-wearing version of the same. However, bassist Ian Grushka ended up being more fun than I expected. In fact, he seemed like the kind of dude I’d want to go get a beer with. It’s too bad that I’d rather jack off to Holocaust footage than listen to his band for more than five minutes. Still, a funny fat dude is a funny fat dude, no matter which way the cheese is cut. Also, I’d like to point out that I ask better questions than the nostalgia addicts at Rolling Stone and Spin, so I’d like to know why I get fifteen minutes on the phone and they get an afternoon in person. The only difference between me and Rob Sheffield is that I can still get an erection. Anyway, a chugged 40 of Icehouse and a phone called from Geffen later, here’s where we are:
Racket: Hey dude, how ya doin’?
NFG Ian: Good. How you doing?
R: I’ve got a boner, but it’s from Eva Angelina. What happened to Old Found Glory, and also, is your glory still new and/or found?
NFG Ian: Wow. That’s a heavy one. I think for us, we’re still the same band that we were when we started out. Obviously, we’re a little older. Everyone gets older with time. We still love what we do. We still love touring and playing shows and writing songs that we love, you know? So for us, it’s like, for especially this record, it feels like it’s been, like, a circle, like it’s almost like a fresh start for our band. ‘Cause we’re doing something so new, like, the music is a lot different than from what we played before. It’s actually more mellow, I think, like our first full-length, Nothing Gold Can Stay, so it’s actually like a full-circle. Uhhh, if that answers the question.
R: Okay, no media training there. You said everyone gets older with time. You have any studies backing this up?
NFG Ian: That everyone gets older with time?
R: Yeah! What proof do you offer of this bold statement?
NFG Ian: Proof? Uhh, well, I’m able to grow a full beard now, so I’m guessing I’ve had to have aged somewhat for that to have worked out.
R: I know, man. When I got pubes, that was a big day. I felt like the coolest 11-year-old in the world. What are some other things NFG could stand for? I was thinking No Fat Girls.
NFG Ian: That’s been said before.
R: What about Nasty Fart Gas?
NFG Ian: NFG could also stand for No Fuckin’ Good.
R: On The Adventures of Pete and Pete, which brother was your favorite?
NFG: Ummm, I never watched Pete and Pete.
NFG Ian: I don’t even know if I’ve heard of that.
R: Okayyyy, dude. Is “straight edge” just another word for “underage?”
NFG Ian: *laughs* I wouldn’t say that. I’m not straight edge myself, but I think our guitarist is straight edge and I definitely respect him a lot. Ummm, to be straight edge takes a lot of morals – no drinking, no drugs, a lot of stuff that goes along with that [ed. note: I guess he means fucking] – so I have the utmost respect for people that are straight edge. Buttttttt, on another note, is it just another word for being “underage?” A lot of people, if they’re going to drink or whatever, they’re going to do it before they’re of age.
R: Alright. So is NOFX like your Led Zeppelin?
NFG Ian: Umm, my Led Zeppelin would probably be more along the lines of a Phil Collins or a Lionel Ritchie.
R: Excellent. Good stuff. I love Phil Collins, myself. I think Genesis was way better after he joined.
NFG Ian: I agree.
R: So who in the band does the most drugs?
NFG Ian: Wow. That’s a heavy question.
R: What, is there like a competition? Is it hard to tell who does the most?
NFG Ian: I don’t know if anyone in our band does drugs, ya know? I mean, besides smoking’ a little pot here and there for some of the members, and maybe a drink occasionally…compared to bands that do like heroin and stuff, I don’t think anyone in our band does drugs at all.
R: So no cocaine rodeos?
NFG Ian: No, none of that.
R: What’s your favorite dead baby joke?
NFG Ian: I dunno if I have any.
R: No favorite dead baby joke? Aren’t you a rock star?
NFG Ian: Where are these questions coming from?
R: I have a very active imagination.
NFG Ian: *laughs* What’s your best one?
R: My best dead baby joke? Ummm, what’s black and blue and doesn’t float?
NFG Ian: What?
R: A baby that drowned two weeks ago.
NFG Ian: Ohhh, that’s rough.
R: So who would win in a fight, Slayer or Godzilla?
NFG Ian: Oh, Slayer. No doubt.
R: Good answer. What’s your favorite way to kill a prostitute?
NFG Ian: With a donkey punch.
R: That’s awesome. Have you ever done an Abe Lincoln?
NFG Ian: No…
R: You know what that is, right?
NFG Ian: No, I don’t.
R: It’s when you knock a girl out, jack off and jizz on her face, then you shave her pubes and sprinkle them on her face, giving her an Abe Lincoln beard.
NFG Ian: *long laugh* That’s amazing.
R: Now I gotta ask you about your new video, “It’s Not Your Fault.” It’s got a mostly naked chick in it, which is awesome – I love a nice set of ta-ta’s as much as the next guy – but then throughout the course of the video, she gets less naked. What the fuck? Whose idea was that?
NFG Ian: Well basically, the video is like the movie Memento. It starts off at the end, and then it goes back. And that’s the way we could have had her in her underwear for the longest amount of time.
R: Hahaha, good plan. What socially irresponsible rap music do you support?
NFG Ian: Ummm, 2 Live Crew?
R: That’s the best you can do?!? What about NWA or the Geto Boys?
NFG Ian: I’m from Florida! I gotta support Miami!
R: Is your friend still over you?
NFG Ian: Um, I dunno if it’s the friend over you. It’s like you choose your friends over some person. It’s always bros before hos.
R: Or chicks before dicks if you’re a woman, I guess.
NFG Ian: *laughs*
R: Do you refer to eating out a menstruating girl as “Manhattan Clam Chowder?”
NFG Ian: No dude, that’s your red wings.
R: *laughs* What is it like when doves cry?
NFG Ian: Boring.
R: Are chubby girls in white belts a forbidden fruit of which you have tasted?
NFG Ian: Not at all, but that sounds scrumptious. I’m quite fond of fat chicks in flip-flops, as well. Or fat chick in spandex, for that matter.
R: *laughs* Then you need to go to a comic convention or something. You’ll get laid left and right. Now, do you prefer your gash spruced or all Jumanji-like?
NFG Ian: *lonnnnng pause* What was that one again?
R: Your gash. You like it spruced?
NFG Ian: I’m confused. This is all over my head.
R: Okay, to put it another way, do you prefer shaved vagina, or do you prefer the wilderness?
NFG Ian: Oh! Shaved!
R: Why? Razorburn is a real concern.
NFG Ian: So you don’t get any pubes in your teeth.
R: *laughs way too hard* Alright! We’re cooking with gas, now! Do you think AIDS is a government conspiracy or the unintended consequences of hot monkey love?
NFG Ian: Umm, I would say it’s got something to do with the government.
NFG Ian: Why? Umm, I dunno. I don’t have proof towards either one. If I had to lean towards one or the other, I would say the government because of population control.
R: Do you think George W. Bush doesn’t like black people? [Or puppets, for those Arrested Development fans out there]
NFG Ian: I don’t really think he likes anyone to be honest with you. I don’t think he cares about anybody but himself.
R: How has emo influenced your day-to-day life?
NFG Ian: For me, I don’t think it’s influenced me at all, because I don’t like wearing tight clothes.
R: Come on, dude, you gotta put your girlfriend’s pants on! All the cool kids are doing it!
NFG Ian: I’ll wear my wife’s skirt before I wear her pants…There’s nothing wrong with playing a little dress-up, dude.
R: This was more intended for other members of the band, but what the hell is that in your ears?
NFG Ian: Uhhh, I guess you’re talking about Jordan and his plugs.
R: Yeah, it looks like he was in a hockey accident.
[It was at this point that we were interrupted by Michelle over at Fanscape. I guess twelve minutes of immature jokes wasn’t enough to promote the record, so we had about three minutes to wrap it up, I was informed]
R: Why did you violate the sacrosanct rock ‘n’ roll rule about not having a fat bassist? Do you think you’re the Adolescents?
NFG Ian: Umm, well I’m the fat bassist that you’re speaking of…
R: That’s why I asked.
NFG Ian: I think every band has to have a fat guy that does the spin kicks.
R: My beautiful friend Sammy Adolfo wants to know, does flicking the bean make the burrito better?
NFG Ian: …dude, I don’t understand the question.
R: It’s simple. Does flicking the bean making the burrito better?
NFG Ian: You mean, like, rubbing one out onto someone’s burrito?
R: Hey, you interpret however you want, you pervert.
NFG Ian: *laughs manically* I have to think about it.
R: Is the addition of keyboards to your sound a desperate plea for relevance?
NFG Ian: [Due to shitty phone connections, he garbles something about it being the first record, yadda yadda yadda. Whatver.]
R: You know how at the end of Super Mario, the higher you jump, the more points you get? Well, do you get more scene points the higher you jump with a guitar?
NFG Ian: *laughs* Yeah, I think. As long as you’re not doing the spin kick.
R: Haha, that’s too hardcore, man. You gotta throw in the floorpunches.
NFG Ian: Haha, yeah, I like the floorpunches. As long as you’re not doing the guitar spin that’s like a fuckin’ karate kick, you’re good to go. You get negative points for those.
R: Okay, last question. I heard that [guitarist] Steve [Klein] got kicked out of the band once for not being able to tune his guitar. Is this true?
NFG Ian: For one practice!
R: Has he figured it out since then?
NFG Ian: Yeah, he’s fine. Plus we have enough money to pay for a guitar tech no