Most everyone there will be wanting to get into your short shorts, but there are some cues you can give to let people know that you are willing and able to make a baby on your new friend’s chest.

The first and foremost cue is the most practical, zinc sunscreen on the nose. Not only will it keep your schnoz from peeling, but it will alert the ladies that you may not take yourself seriously, but you mean business. And maybe they had a crush on Ug from Salute Your Shorts.

Another solid choice is to have a beard. Coachella chicks want a guy who doesn’t need societal constraints like “hygiene” in their lives. Your disregard for cleanliness will lead potential desert-suitors to believe that you must have some kind of artistic job in order to look like that and still be alive. You should probably just lie and say that you’re in Bon Iver. Pussy City, USA, Population: You.

If you aren’t interested in hobo-chic, you can go one of two other routes: entice through technology or through eccentricity.

If you want to play it off that you are a hyper-modern rich boy, the best way to fake your way into the pants of a trust-fund baby is through your phone. And by “phone, “ I mean “iPhone 4S.” Do NOT come rocking your 2G and expect to get to be helping to donate some fluids to some dehydrated Danes. BUT! You have to have a case for it that makes it “retro” or some shit, like one of those ones that looks like a cassette tape or a Game Boy or some shit.

If you want to go the eccentric route to get bobbing to the backstage beat, you have to do something particularly outlandish, like walking around on stilts for no good reason or wearing a fucking horse head for no good reason. Don’t believe me? Look at DeadMau5. Dude wears a silhouette of Mickey Mouse and gets massive amounts of play.

If you’re not interested in actually putting forth the effort to get laid, but still want to get laid, just show up, it’ll probably happen anyways.

-Jonathan Yost

Skiba’s become the Wooderson of punk bands; he gets older, but his lyrics stay the same age. I mean, I love me some Alkaline Trio, but “Luciferian Blues?” “Angel of Deaf?!” What is that? Are you 17? Come on Skeebs, please stop playing Magic: The Gathering while in the studio and get some new material.

That said, me from 2001 loves it. I mean, it’s Alkaline Trio without Dan Adriano balancing out Skeebs’ attempt to CHANNEL HIS INNER ADAM ANT. The Sekrets (WITH A K, MATT?!) are probably his biggest enablers, with AFI’s bassist Hunter Burgan and Jarrod Alexander, the drummer from My Chemical Romance, giving him product recommendations. As ridiculous as I think it is, I can’t stop listening to it. I suppose there’s a lesson about not judging people on what they look like or something, but I don’t care to go searching for it.
-Jonathan Yost

Joyce Manor, whatever will I do with you? You’re so good, but such a tease. 9 songs? I know it’s a punk record, but COME ON! Clocking in at a whopping thirteen minutes long, this record was twice as long and twice as hard as my last hump session. But unlike the lady involved, OATIWSGT leaves me wanting more. Good work, fellas.

-Jonathan Yost

Photos by Chris Lopez

This Valentine’s Day, Lucha Va Voom at the Mayan Theatre is where you two lovebirds should be, in-between watching sweaty men in masks beat each other up, there’s burlesque stripteases by some of the finest ladies in the biz, including the lovely Michelle L’Amour. While there MAY be some explaining to do on why you had a hard-on even when the stripteases were going, the obvious plan of attack is to body slam your lover…on to the bed. ¡OLE!

Tickets available at ticketweb.com and our outlets:
Wacko, 4633 Hollywood Blvd
BRAT, 1938 14th St, Santa Monica
Garage Pizza, 100 1/2 West 7th Street, Downtown LA

http://luchavavoom.com/
http://twitter.com/LuchaVaVOOM
http://www.facebook.com/LuchaVaVoom
http://www.youtube.com/LuchaVaVoomVideo

With that said, 2011 was actually a bang-up year for the world of comic books. The San Diego Comic Con has not yet been relegated to the Hell that is Anaheim (despite persistent rumors), cinema and video game production studios continued to suck at the proverbial teats of Marvel, DC and Dark Horse, and the tried-and-true paper books made a somewhat successful leap into the digital realm. As a self-professed geek (but I’m cool now, because comic books are cool now. Right, guys?) and hoarder of geek treasure, I’m here to give you new fans and old a rundown of the best comic book things that happened this year.

MOVIES:
It’s almost as if Marvel apologized for the Hulk movies, the mediocre X-Men sequels and the Daredevil/Elektra fiasco with their releases this year. Riding on the coattails of the “Iron Man” franchise’s success with both critics AND fanboys, we seem to have entered a new era of anti-suck for the Marvel silver screen with Captain America and X-Men: First Class. Admittedly, even “Thor” was (at very least) better than okay. Seemingly intended to further bridge the gap between the more militant fanboys and the regular public, plotlines walked tightropes of origin stories that new fans could enjoy without getting lost in the intricacies of parallel story arcs. Fanatic or now, how could you not enjoy the exploration of the complex relationship between a young Xavier and Magneto, set against a backdrop of 1960s political turmoil? And let’s not forget the stellar “updated” visuals; I am definitely not complaining about the Captain America costume redesign. I thought that it was the perfect realization of a superhero getup without being too cheeseball “Batman and Robin” (the Batman movie of which we do not speak.) My point being, let’s hope this wave of better-than-average cinematic adaptations continues, given that we’re staring down the barrel of a 2012 with even more comic book movie release dates. Do not disappoint me, Avengers.

VIDEO GAMES:
Okay, let’s all agree that 2009’s “Batman: Arkham Asylum” beat the piss out of any and all LEGO Batman video game. Are we all on the same page now? Good. So, who didn’t expect the world out of this year’s Batman: Arkham City follow-up? Damn skippy—we all did. I’m happy to say that DC delivered in a big way and I’ll say it as politely as I can: Arkham City is the tits. Earning 4 of Spike’s illustrious VGAs (that’s Video Game Awards for everyone who thought that was a naughty acronym for something else) including Best Xbox 360 Game, Arkham City went above and beyond as a sequel. And, in case you live under a rock or still use dial-up or something, the Internet is positively buzzing with hinty-hints of another sequel, Arkham World. Google it if you don’t believe me—I’m not gonna do everything for you, jeez. Somewhat less kickass but still pretty awesome was Marvel’s weirdly-timed Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3, which stayed under the radar for the most part, due to the earlier release of Marvel vs. Capcom 3: Fate of Two Worlds. Really, they were 9 months apart. WTF is that?! Anyway, Ultimate boasts new characters and *some* fixes, and has met with a generally lukewarm reception. Although, if you’re like me and remember the days of actual arcade games with wistful sighs and nostalgia, Ultimate is definitely worth the $40 price tag.

CLASSIC BOOKS:
In a ballsy move to re-“kindle” (that pun is gonna get charmingly clever in a sec) the romance between people and comics, DC did a big thing in August this year and launched the New 52—reissues and new numberings and entirely new directions for their biggest 52 superheroes and superheroines. This gives new fans a chance to jump in on the ground floor and start picking up books numbered 1 and get invested so that you can be cool in the future, like the rest of us comic geeks. Additionally, the New 52 can be purchased digitally, and with the Kindle Fire color e-reader out now (and cheaper than iPads), I anticipate that digital comics will get much bigger in the coming year. (If you’re looking for a decent cheap starter, I suggest the 99-cent per issue Arkham Unhinged series, delightfully spun-off of the Arkham Asylum VG. Simple plots with familiar characters and really beautiful artwork!) Now you don’t have to purchase additional “bags and boards” to keep your pages pristine and thumb-smudge free. Seriously, keep your Cheetos-fingers off my latest issue of The Goon.

Tangentially, DC’s done a great job of drumming up support for less-than-popular series, such as the sorta wimpy Aquaman who suddenly kicks ass and Animal Man, who now has a storyline that people find interesting. Other big hits include the much-lauded Swamp Thing and the places that the Batman empire is going, most notably, to Africa with Batwing. Hopefully now there will be a little more cohesion with the writing in the Batverse.

This year also brought the announcement of Marvel’s upcoming Avengers vs. X-Men storyline and a really great Guillermo del Toro/Dark Horse horror book, The Strain, which has a lot of merit, given that the vampire comic is so played out, no one can even hear the word “vampire” without waves of Twilight-induced nausea. Additionally, issue #1 of The Strain retails for a dollar, which is the same price of a cheeseburger at McDonald’s, and The Strain (probably) will not give you diarrhea.

WEB COMICS:
I know I’ve been sticking with Marvel, DC and little Dark Horse in this list. I also that there is a whole world of other publishers, big and indie, and that they also have worthwhile things going on this year and next. For the most part, I’m covering the biggest of the big happenings, but that in no way should discourage you from finding and loving comics that are not from the Big Three publishers. To get you started, if you’re unfamiliar with some of the best web comics ever, at least know that we now have real, honest-to-Zod paper books to peruse from favorites The Oatmeal and Hark! A Vagrant, which both hit stores this year. Their websites have been around for a while, but there is this new trend in web comics-turned-books that I’m loving (I’m looking at you, too, xkcd and Hyperbole and a Half) and it saves me the trouble of printing out extra-hilarious pages to look at when my eyeballs start to shrivel up from staring at the computer too much. I don’t even have a lot to add to these, because they’re both clever and hilarious and you really just need to go love them. NEW BOOKS, GUYS! EVERYONE LOVES NEW BOOKS!

AND IN OTHER NEWS, COMICS COULD MAKE YOU RICH AGAIN!
Comic books are, and have always been, the coolest “investment.” Stamps are for mailing things and coins are for buying things, like comic books. (See what I did there?) I can prove it to you with these bits of news: this year, there were some more record-breaking price tags for the favoritest and famousest “Action Comics #1” (first appearance of Superman) and “Amazing Fantasy #15” (first appearance of Spiderman). How rich could you be if you stumbled onto one of these rare books? Well, the discovery of an excellent condition first appearance of the Man of Steel could net you $2.16 million like it did at auction this year, while the first Spidey book earned $1.1 million. And, if digital is the new, uncharted territory of comic books, I wonder if print versions will start to dwindle. Time will tell. The interesting thing is that these sales broke records in an economy full of people that still don’t have a lot of spending money, which says to me that there will always be value in art. Personally, I think $2.16 million is a LOT for Superman, but I guess if I had money to kick around, I would probably be shelling it out for the $110,000 first issue of The X-Men from 1963, so no judgment here.

As I said before, 2011 was good to comic books. Unfortunately, that just means that we’re all going into 2012 with high expectations and we all know that satisfying the fanboy (and fangirl) is a Herculean task. (I mean creatively, not sexually.) So, here’s to 2012 kicking ass and taking names. Happy Holidays, nerds.

- Sierra Christman

The event will be raising money for Cinefamily’s amazing programming. Help support them by becoming a member or by donating today! The more money they get, the more cool shit they can keep doing. Do it now!

Come on down and be part of the studio audience and see it live and be part of the awesome! If you can’t make it down, all of this will also be streaming free on their website. Wow!!

-By Laua Gaddy

Kauz Bots:

Give the gift that gives to others! Adorable robots programmed for a better world. The proceeds from each sale help go to support a targeted cause of your choice. These soft plush robots are irresistibly kuddly and kute, adopt one to bring home today and make someone else’s holiday a little brighter too! Kausebots.com

SNAP Ginger Liquor:

Nothing says the holidays like the spicy fresh-baked scent of gingerbread on a cold morning, except maybe getting drunk. Now you can have both at the same time!  Experience the yummy full bodied flavor of ginger and black strap molasses in classy booze form. Delicious! Just imagine what Santa will bring if you leave him some of this instead of Granny’s ginger-snap cookies….

SNAP. Also available in RHUBY and ROOT from Art in the Age.

Hark a Vagrant! and TopatoCo:

Hark a Vagrant! has been making history awesome since 2006! Pick up a “Shut Up About Babies”  tee to wear to your next holiday gathering and avoid boring small talk about tiny people before it begins or start your day off right with a David Bowie “Glam Breakfast”  or “Hunks”  mug. These and products from other favorites like Dinosaur Comics , Nedriod, Axe Cop, Brandon Bird, Exploding Dog, White Ninja Comics, and more available from TopatoCo!

Mod Cloth:

Shop and vote for vintage, indie, and retro items in this interactive storefront that changes its stock and evolves selection to suit your fashion tastes. Free ground shipping. Visit Modcloth.com.

Thierry Poncelet Regal Dog Portraits:

Give a present with pedigree and sophistication. These classy fine art paintings are perfect for the dog lover or archduke on your list this year. A master of canine portraiture, Thierry Poncelet’s work will amuse and delight, turning even the dreariest foyer into a regal reception hall.

Available here. For 20% off your order type “HOLLYS” at checkout.

Poketo:

Stylish gifts and signature featured artist wallets. Visit poketo.com.

Lost at E Minor:

Bringing you the finest hand-selected finds with a slant toward creativity, pop culture, art, and lifestyle.  Free shipping.

Venture Bros Action Figures from Adult Swim:

These Venture Brothers action figures from Adult Swim are the man-doll must have of the holiday season! Collect all your favorites!

Dr. Venture- For X-Mas this year, give God’s gift “The Ladies”. This svelte silhouette of broken dreams and male pattern baldness comes dressed for success in a stylish custom-fitted 100% genuine cloth super-science jumpsuit.  Orphan heart not included.

Also available: Relive painful childhood traumas with this Boy Rusty and Father set, stylishly packaged in an official lunch box. Xanax sold separately.

Hank Venture- Do clones really have a soul? We may never know, but for this mass-produced genetically perfect replica of your favorite home-schooled kerchief wearing teen, the answer is clear: No, they don’t.

The Monarch- Lovingly assembled by children in Taiwan, this colorful gem is perfect for use in Voo Doo rituals, kink fetish dioramas, and awkward community puppet shows about metamorphosis. Warning: Keep eyebrows pointed away from face.

Gallery Nucleus:

Gorgeous art originals, prints, and products from visiting contemporary exhibitions and beyond. Visit gallerynucleus.com.

Amazing Everything by Scott C. 

Amazing Everything is the latest book of art from Scott C. the man behind Zombie in Love and Great Show Downs. The perfect gift for the person who wants everything! Available at pyramidcar.com.

Cartoon Network:

Get all your Swag and DVD’s from your favorite fever dream inspired cartoons like Adventure Time! What time is it? Time to get some rad presents.

Prehistoric Puppets:

Take a bite out of time with this highly articulated prehistoric chomp monster. This detailed dino puppet comes in one of two colors and is made of super soft molded vinyl. Turn your hand into a deadly T-Rex and rule the past! From Puppetoys.

Spy Net: Spy Strike Laser Dueling System:

Lasers you shoot at each other! I don’t know about you, but it’ll be hard not to blow my spy cover by making pew-pew sounds and spouting one liners as I riddle my enemies full of light. Get it here.

That wraps it up! Happy holidays from Racket!

-By Laura Gaddy